I realize that I value my personal time a lot…and as it currently
stands, I have fuck all. I was about to make the chicken rice post,
re-sized all the photos and started uploading them. It’s 9 pm and I
haven’t eaten dinner and it’s such a small matter…we needed to walk
down and get some stuff. I was a little unwilling because it takes time
and time is something I don’t have with this job…I wake up at 6:30 am
if I want to catch the bus/LRT (and I have to if I want to live on my
1.5k salary) and by the time I get back (using LRT/bus again) it’s
usually 8:30 pm earliest, and usually it gets to be much later coz even
though official working hours is 8:30 am – 5:30 pm, sometimes we need
to stay back to finish up.
Which brings us back to the personal time question again. I have
none, not during work days. Just now, as we were about to eat, my gf
started being pissed off at me coz I was (admittedly) taking my work
stress out on her, grumbling about having to sacrifice even more
personal time to go out and she walked away without eating the stuff I
tapau and well…I must have had a lot of pent up anger coz I just blew
up on her…in front of all our housemates. I started enquiring (in a
volume that wasn’t suitable) about why she didn’t want to eat blah blah
blah and yeah…
I suck, it’s all this stress and nights without sleep and anxiety
about work security and the pressure to perform faster, stronger,
better than everyone else and the realization that I hate coming home
and having to go to sleep right away to get enough sleep, that or stay
up with assistance and weeks and months pass and you wonder where the
fuck your personal time went coz you sure as hell don’t remember shit.
I should not have taken it out on her, I’m such a terrible bf…I’m going to apologize now.
Fuck this shit man..all this even after 2 mg sublingual
lorazepam…I had wanted to talk about this to her too, about whether
working in KL is what I want and whether I would be more comfortable
working in a low paying but lots of free time ie teaching in a school
but fuck it, forget it, back to the daily grind.
Well then…this is quite a personal post isn’t it? Now, I’ll sit
here and wait for the masturbatory “oh, you just haven’t gotten used to
working life” comments to come in. See! Now I’m taking it out on my
readers…
