Eat clen, tren hard and accept no subs

I haven’t updated my blog in a long time and I want to start off the cycle by writing about something I’ve always felt the need to hide. I’m not even sure why besides a vague sense of it being right, and I’ll explain that the best I can now. I have had problems with substance abuse in the past and I’ve let my misadventures with methamphetamine, heroin and other fun and interesting chemicals define me. I’m the guy who was all for “better living through chemistry” and I wasn’t afraid to say it out loud to everyone who wanted to hear (and the ones who didn’t as well).

However, as I have grown older, I found myself looking askance at people like that. Admittedly there aren’t many people like me, and even less who has built up such an impressive chemical resume as I have. But the ones who have told me straight out that they’re users, I find that I tend to judge them a little. Even though I used to in the past? Especially coz I used to. I knew what kind of deviant I was and I’ll have no part of that. Now that I’ve quit for so many years, I find myself wanting to dissociate myself with other drug users.

My point is, most people have something against substance users, no matter if it’s recreational or a dependency. It speaks volumes about your character that you’re not willing to make your personal life private and maybe that’s why I stopped divulging so much. It doesn’t matter if you pop MDMA once a year or you’re shooting up smack every morning and lunch in the toilet. People don’t need to know.

There is an odd comfort in being truthful though, as long as you’re not shoving your personal politics down people’s throats. I’ve stopped using all illegal drugs for many years. However, a lot of my legacy is still there. I’m still on buprenorphine (Suboxone) and benzodiazepines.

Suboxone

I’ll talk about Suboxone first. It’s a very, very expensive and legal opiate substitute that the government has been pushing for several years. Government? So it’s free then, you say? No, it’s not. It costs RM 40 per 8 mg tablet and I take 2 per day. I used to run up RM 80 daily, RM 2,480 per month, RM 29,200 annually. RM 30,000! 30 fucking k per year! It was ludicrous.

I got on Suboxone as a legal way to get off OxyContin in 2012. I had a HUGE oxycodone problem. I was a monster. I would take 280 mg per day. That’s 14 tablets (one blister pack) of 20 mg OxyContin. It was, strangely enough, about the same price as Suboxone and offers a much superior high. However, it wasn’t legal, since I obtained them via doctor shopping, and that’s why I ultimately chose to switch over to the government Suboxone program. It was expensive but it was legal and I could travel all over the world with my prescription (except Singapore, who considers buprenorphine a Class A drug).

I was happily on Suboxone for several years before I realized I was hooked on it. Yes, that’s how buprenorphine works, it has a STRONGER binding affinity to your opiate receptors, that’s why you don’t crave other opiates like oxycodone. It’s not very pleasurable, but it’s good enough to prevent you from seeking other MORE pleasurable opiates like heroin. The buzz is acceptable, and it staves off withdrawals. Many Suboxone users already know this but I bet the general public doesn’t. Suboxone works by making you dependent on it. That’s why you don’t get withdrawals, it’s coz you’re still on opiates. In other words, you become addicted to Suboxone.

Quitting was hard. It was harder than OxyContin due to the longer half life of Suboxone. I tried once with the help of my better half and I’m not ashamed to say that I tapped out after 4 or 5 days, just when the withdrawals hit me really hard. I’m not embarrassed coz with my life experience now, I know that you’ll know when the time is right to quit. It’s when you want to, above all else, without any other reason, no pressure, no one to nag you, no guilt. You quit coz you want to be rid of it. That’s when you succeed.

I tried cutting down and I got down to 1 x 8 mg Suboxone tablet per day. After a few weeks, I cut it down to 1/2 then 1/4. It’s hard to get rid of that final bit, the “boost” you need each morning and which comforts you, but when you cut it out of your life, it’s a lot better. I wonder why I didn’t do it sooner but I know the answer to that. It was coz I wasn’t ready to.

The same thing with benzodiazepines. This is the most insidious drug I’ve ever taken. Not worse than meth, methamphetamine is the worst thing I’ve ever taken, all in all. But I personally think benzodiazepines are more insidious than opiates. You know why? There is no honest “value proposal”. I took benzos for fun at first, then to help with the come downs from meth, then I obviously got addicted to them. The one time I tried to quit was cold turkey, in drug rehab, coz the sick sons of bitches at the center didn’t know anything about benzodiazepines or how dangerous it is to quit cold turkey.

I seized in the jail cell while my ankles were shackled and my hands were handcuffed. I cried, I had multiple seizures, I thought I was going to die, and I wept again. It was a fucking nightmare, going from 10 mg clonazepam (Rivotril), 2 mg alprazolam (Xanax) and 20 mg diazepam (Valium) in a day to complete zero, cold turkey, back in 2007. I’m not sure if I can do it a second time. That’s what I thought for the next few years anyway, since I started taking them again after rehab.

However, and I’m really not sure what the catalyst is, I somehow decided to take less and less starting from last year. I was on 2 mg clonazepam (Rivotril) daily for many years and then I decided to start taking 1/2 of the tablet. Thus, I was on 1 mg. It felt better, and my head was clearer and I was feeling a lot more emotions and I thought that was good. It was. I cut again to 0.5 mg of clonazepam (which is 1/4 of the tablet).

One day, my doctor said he ran out of clonazepam and it’ll take 2 weeks to get the new stock so he gave me diazepam (Valium) instead. It was a 10 mg pill which is about equivalent to 0.5 mg of clonazepam (don’t look at the mg, trust me when I say these two doses are “similar” – think of clonazepam as being 20 times stronger than diazepam) but it wasn’t. I felt significant amount of anxiety and had mild panic attacks but I liked the clarity. Clonazepam has stronger anti-anxiety effects but it’s not as hypnotic as diazepam. I felt sleepier and I hated it coz it felt like I was “going back” on my progress.

I didn’t want to let myself acclimatize so I cut it again by 1/2 to 5 mg. I cut it again the week after to 1/4 of that and within a week I titrated the dose to 1/8, 1/10 and 1/12. Then I switched to 5 mg Valium (diazepam) – it’s half the amount of my previous 10 mg tablet so it’s easier to split for a smaller dose. The doctor didn’t have 2 mg ones. I then started splitting the 5 mg pill to 1/20 until I had to pinch just a bit. It was effectively nothing coz it was about 1/30 of a 5 mg pill – or 0.16 mg daily. Most people take 5-10 mg and I managed to cut it down to zero with my own super fast taper plan. I was essentially clean. The last bit to get rid off was more psychological than anything.

It wasn’t pretty but it wasn’t as bad as when I kicked it cold turkey in rehab. I kinda like the new clarity. It gives me purpose. It also made me feel bad about the time I’ve spent “under the influence” (kinda). Now, this is not medical advice, everyone is different and you should never cold turkey quit benzodiazepines coz you might die of a seizure.

However, I have grown to belief that it’s more like US FDA precaution. I’ve done plenty of things which should have killed me. I’ve taken things which I KNOW as a fact that’s over the LD50 (lethal for 50% of the population – everyone is different) many, many, God so many times and I’m still alive. There’s nothing wrong with being on benzos, some people need it for anxiety.

I just didn’t want it anymore. It was a personal decision.

This is probably the last thing I’m going to write about drugs. I’ve said I was off all illegal drugs. Well, now I’m off it all – legal and prescription included. I don’t want it to define me anymore. I just want to write an appendix for the blog. This is it.

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23 thoughts on “Eat clen, tren hard and accept no subs

    • Yup, it’s just interesting that I took so long to get rid of Suboxone and benzos.

      It really felt hard when I tried last time. Insurmountably hard. However, it was surprisingly easy this time around. I actually started reading about CBT (Cognitive Behavior Therapy) and realized their tenets are what I had used on myself without knowing it was CBT. I didn’t see a therapist or have a structured CBT intervention, I just unknowingly used similar techniques to get through it. It’s very helpful for addiction and other similar issues. It’s just a different way of looking at things.

  1. Our mistakes would always guide us to be better people in our present and future lives, HB.

    That’s why I like reading your post – you’re always truthful.

    • Thanks! I really appreciate your kind comments!

      I find that behavior, thought and feelings are intertwined but I never did realize just how much until I recently read more about CBT and found out I’ve been using the same techniques on myself. Instead of thinking “Oh, I’m hurting all over and sick with opiate withdrawals from quitting Suboxone plus I’m anxious, my heart is pounding and my palms are sweaty from quitting benzos” I think “Okay, so my mind is clearer now. Sure there’s some anxiety but in a way, it’s kinda like drinking a ton of coffee, so I’ll just ride along and at least I save on Starbucks”.

    • Thanks mate!

      I have read reports that it does help, but I didn’t use it myself and I went on a very rapid taper. I knowingly tricked myself, in a way. When I switched from the blue 10 mg Valium pills to the yellow 5 mg diazepam, I told myself, the two are the same and kept taking the same amount e.g. I took 1/2 of a 10 mg, so I’ll take 1/2 of a 5 mg pill which in essence is cutting down my dose by HALF! I told myself it was the same, or won’t make much difference and rode out the few days of hell. I know it’s different of course, but little “tricks” like this help you in two ways, not just the obvious one but also as a plus, it kinda gives you a sense of accomplishment that you’re able and willing to ride it out.

      Let me know if you want to ask anything about quitting benzodiazepines and I’ll be happy to help.

    • Thanks Mun!

      It requires quite a lot of commitment to life changes though. There were many days (and weeks) of hell when I tapered down both Suboxone and benzodiazepines. It’s my body (and mind) acclimatizing to the new dose, but I try not to think of it as “hell” but rather a personal challenge, a course for self improvement. I don’t think I would have been able to do it years ago, but I did manage to do it now. I want to say that it’s not that hard, but truthfully it probably was the same “difficulty” as last time. I was just better equipped mentally to deal with it now.

  2. Bro good to hear you can quit

    I am spending almost the same amount of money you spent everyday, on Meperidine 300-600mg/day which is more than LD50

    Dependant to this for over 7 years now. Every dose cost me around rm40-60 DAILY EVERYDAY and imagine how much money I WASTED. That money can buy me a house already

    It is hard for me to quit not just because of the eutrophic but my chronic pain required me to use it else i will be in pain.

    I try to quit but it only gave me another problem when i switch to oxy. Oxycontin/oxynorm is a devil in disguise. Giving me the worst withdrawal and made me suffer from panic attack

    I quit oxy but pethidine will stuck with me for some time

    • Sorry to hear that mate!

      I think you should seriously look into Suboxone. I’m not sure if there are any participating clinics in Sabah but I believe there should be. Otherwise, you can get an appointment in KL/PJ and fly over once every 3 months since tickets are not very expensive nowadays. You’ll be paying the same price or slightly less for Suboxone than what you’re paying now for Demerol.

      Yeah, OxyContin is more for fun than for maintenance. It’s ultra pleasurable but the peaks are TOO high and the lows are WAY low. Same thing with pethidine. That’s why buprenorphine works so well. Suboxone gives you at least 24 hours of the same constant level of pain relief and comfort from withdrawals. That’s why it’s legal, it’s a long term maintenance drug which is “good enough” to make you stop seeking other opiates.

      Do give it a try if you can’t quit pethidine. It’s legal. However, I have to add that Suboxone is one of the hardest things I’ve ever quit. It’s a nightmare, honestly, it was worse than benzos sometimes. The half life is sooooo long that you actually don’t get withdrawals until 3 days AFTER you stopped cold turkey. You have to power through 3 MONTHS of withdrawals unlike the usual 2-3 weeks on OxyContin. It’s possible to quit though, and if you just want to be on it for maintenance forever, at least it’s legal. Get in touch if you want my doctor’s details.

    • Thanks Michelle!

      It was hard but I’m glad I went though it. I think I’m better prepared nowadays to face it, compared to last time. Getting older and everything, gives me a different perspective on life.

  3. HB, in your opinion or experience is that a way or is there a better way to convince or allow your younger generation to be aware and never even wanting to experiment these drug despite curiosity, peer pressure or puberty.

  4. This feels like reading the final chapter of a very good book. I remember I was still in secondary school, curious about the world when I stumbled onto your blog. It was an interesting gateway to a world I know I will never have the balls to venture into. Anyway, I’m glad that it’s all behind you now.

  5. This is the greatest post of all, HB. Congratulations for coming through this far and great work at closing this chapter. Great job for not giving up during the lowest point and striving through to where you are now.

    Everything else will be good for you from this point onwards. Enjoy your new world and live life to the fullest with your loved ones :)

  6. well my old friend.
    firstly , praise to u from the bronx new york.
    ……
    secondly , we have even more in common than i had thought .
    yeah as u know….
    i was a meth and ya bah freak for a couple years back in the dayz . . . when i read your old awesome sixthseal entries.
    i loved reading sixthseal on dxm…or meth ..or crack….or coke….or after a trip or flip ….
    and i used 100 other drugs too .
    the funny thing is i havent used any drugs….. for fun…… in ages.
    now it s a clonny …broken jnto quarters .
    which is much less annoying than valium and i have
    by my own choice reduced the clonny my dose down by half and half again just like you just described
    but there on that smallest dose have i come to roost for 12 months
    anytjing less is “subclinical”..
    and
    by way of psoriatic arthritis making all 10 toes barely able to bend
    and to hurt so sharply i have to take oxy.
    well now
    on opana…..
    i really prefer opana
    because i dont FEEEL druggy or high at all …..just not in huge pain.
    also when i realized my dr had stepped me way up to junkyworld i chose to reduce my Opana ….first by half. then half again .funny thing ….to be honest i am only in about 20 % more pain daily than wehn i was all junked out on the bigger dose of oxycontin and then
    bigger dose of opana.
    as for honesty …
    i have gotten back in to bicycling. i bike hard. i am 52 but my legs outdo 20 year olds…
    on every hill in the bronx.
    truth tho? ……
    i am
    finally feeling my age and
    i turned to two steroids.
    these are from a DOCTOR.
    no joke.
    so they are not some dirty horse injectables in a dirty locker room lol.
    one is primabolen . you inject it in your ass muscle 3 x a week.
    and other is anavar
    a 3 x a day pill for 20 days then STOP.
    WHAT do they do.?
    why are they safe?
    why do i not fear them?
    well if you had my job for 17 years you wouldnt f….
    no wait
    wrong anzwer.
    here:
    they are the baby aspirin of steroids ….
    these are given to underweight people
    newborn
    premmies
    and
    AIDS AND CANCER patients
    burn victims
    etc
    so they can put on lean healthy muscle mass.
    your body gets harder.
    you LOOK almost the same.
    you feel almost the same
    but to the touch you feel harder not mushy.
    and ..
    if you exercize…
    you get better results !
    thats all.
    also no more
    effexor
    that stuff is b.s.
    what a placebo .
    wellbutrin gave me 7 happy post -meth years yes…
    but then bottomed out and did nothing .
    it was like being on a tiny dose of meth every day….
    then
    dunk! nothing.at.all.
    recently Dr said youve been on every anti depressant but effexor
    so i tried it for a year.
    bah !
    i replaced my antidepressant with a very broad spectrum probiotic from healthfood store.
    containing
    in particular
    lactobacillus (sp?) infantilis..
    these allow your gut to fillllll with serotonin.
    this feels 100 times
    more efficient than
    effexor ….
    the fact that u are truly going to be 100 % drugfree MIGHT inspire along in that direction if not for my
    arthritis being excruiciating ….and my anxiety causing nightmares sometimes so dark and disgusting it is feels gross to know my brain created them .
    peace Bro
    d

    i wil try entering a fake email below . hope that works

  7. Congrats HB, you come a long way baybeeeeeeeeeee!
    On my trip out to Vancouver Island From Toronto in September 2015, I left the last and smallest of all my addictions – codeine – in the Pacific Ocean. I’m 46, and it’s amazing that now if I get a headache I can take a couple of 500 mg acetaminophen and they work! Crazy! Lol
    Good luck on the next chapter in your life! <3

  8. Nice one HB. your blog is the epitome of transparency.

    how do you cope up with insomnia and anxiety when you stopped benzos?
    urge for relapse is strong…did you throw away ur stash?
    hows ur kidneys and liver doing?
    were you able to quit smoking too

  9. I’m a follower of your old posts. Glad that you’ve kicked it, and hope you’ll have an as exciting life as before in front of you. You are legendary bro!

  10. Wow congrats.

    Ironically I went on Suboxone just 3 days ago. I was taking Oxy, Hydro, oxymorphone, dillys, actually anything I could get. My habit was costing me about $100 USD a day over the last many many years. It was getting worse too as the $100 was what it took just to feel semi normal.

    I am still adjusting to the subs but so far so good and ZERO cravings for the other opiates.

    One note: My doc put me on two 8/2mg tablets a day. I had read that I might be able to start on about 4mg a day and did. It works and I feel I am ahead of the curve and the eventual taper. From what I have read a good taper is to reduce the dose by 25% every 4 days. If you feel horrible go back, get 4 days under your belt and try again. At some levels you may fail a few times but will get there. .

    Anyway I have enjoys ALL of your Blog not just the drugs :)
    Keep at it,
    Best..

  11. Hello..This time i ve decided to drop a comment since i found out yer blog a couple of years ago.My first entry to yer blog is about “paralgin forte” ,you got nice story line about “counter recreational stuff”.Its seems like you have an easy way to get all those stuff here in nation called “Bolehland”…Any tips to share,Sir?Do we need to get a cool dress code to enter any of pharmacy here in K.l that for me practicing double standard.Since the Health Ministry and National narcotics swing to new law and controlled over those drugs,its like “Mati hidup semula” ,i cant get it..some of local pill poppers turn to black market stuff which we dont know how do they produce the stuff with..its getting more tough and fu**ed..Paralgin forte + ephidrene+ promethazine is pretty nice too in case we couldnt found the codeine phosphate or hydrocodone..Like yer blog,Boss..Cheers

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