The real reason Judas betrayed Jesus (and how evangelism started)

Disclaimer: This is another satire/parody piece I wrote for entertainment, inspired by the trending topic on Twitter based on megachurch Pastor Lewis’ comments. It’s meant to be funny, don’t take it too seriously. I’m not making malicious fun of any religion, it’s just another crappy post that has a few good-natured jokes. Chill and don’t read it if you’re easily offended. Fair warning. :)

…on a particularly hot day after a humble lunch of figs and dates

Judas: Dude, I heard there’s this place in New Gomorrah where the womenfolk have melons the size of mountains, wanton enough to do anything for a piece of silver.
Simon: NO WAY!
Judas: I speak truly, there’s even plenty of drink, and none of that watered down wine crap we get here either. Also, stuff to smoke that makes you feel like you’re in frolicking in the Garden of Eden!
Simon: Fuckin’ A! Let’s go book our camel tickets right away!
Judas: You got moolah? I’m a bit short this month…you’ll have to extend me a loan, brother. Pay you back later. I swear to God.
Simon: Aww man, I forgot, the big guy took all my money when he told me to put down my fishing net and become fishers of men. I thought the boss meant women as well. You know what they say about assumptions. Ass. You. Me. Oh well.
Judas: No worries, I got a plan bro. Why don’t we sell it to senior management as…a trip to convert these heathens? We’ll call it…missionary work. Evangelism. Nice ring to it eh? Helping the Gentiles get into the Kingdom of Heaven and all that.
Simon: Wow man, I don’t know. Will it work?
Judas: Only one way to find out.

Two weeks later…

Parchment from Jesus:
Brothers Simon and Judas,

I have considered thy proposal and prayed for divine guidance on this matter. It warms my heart to see my disciples showing initiative and foresight. I can visualize how this would work to spread the Word of God around the world.

Brother Simon, thy request has been approved. I hereby dub thee Simon the Rock and thou shall go forth with my blessings and make believers out of the Gentiles. Please find attached 30 pieces of silver to cover thy expenses on this trip.

Brother Judas, I regret to inform thee that I cannot justify sending two of my disciples on a missionary trip. Thy have always had a way with words. I like the term “evangelism”, it’s very catchy and I have need of people of thy skills by my side. I would appreciate it if thy can start writing about mine deeds. It shall be called The Gospel according to Judas and it would please me if thy can spearhead this important task.

Love (agape, phileo, but not eros),
JC

meme mashup

Judas: Fuck that shit man, it was my idea. I’m going.

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15 thoughts on “The real reason Judas betrayed Jesus (and how evangelism started)

    • Haha! I haven’t written pieces like this for a while, my satire/parody category is woefully lacking.

      I somehow got inspiration for this one from the pastor that’s been trending on Twitter. Meme mashup! :D

      Cheers Kim! :)

    • Heh! Glad you liked it Irene! :)

      I enjoyed writing it too, just couldn’t resist. The idea got into my head and I had to write it.

      Have an awesome weekend! :D

    • Haha! Well, if you like Biblical parody, you gotta watch this movie called Year One starring Jack Black.

      That’s the funniest movie I’ve ever seen – it has Abraham, Cain and Abel etc etc. The times are messed up of course, but who are we to say the people who wrote the accounts in the first place was correct? ;)

      Glad you liked it bro!

    • Heh! Indeed! :)

      Thanks for reading Jothi, I sure had fun writing it.

      It’s been a while since I had an idea playing through my mind, expanding inside until I had to rush to boot up the notebook and write it. :D

    • Heh! Well, all I gotta say is I’ll like to think God has a sense of humor. ;)

      It’ll be rather droll in heaven if he didn’t. :)

  1. you see, when you write stuff like this about Christianity, the Christian will just laugh over it, forgive and forget. but if you do likewise with our national religion, be prepare to be called by the local Mufti, JAIS, MAIS and probably SYURA too…

    • Well, I used to be a Christian, which is why I’m familiar with the Scripture and Protestant doctrine.

      I write about what I know, I don’t know other religions like Buddhism or Islam so I can’t really write about that since I’ll have no clue what I was talking about.

      I’m now an agnostic atheist though, left the church quite a long time ago.

  2. “It’ll be rather droll in heaven if he didn’t”

    So…what makes you think you will make Heaven?, that same idea that inspired you to write your parody?

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