Disclaimer: This is another satire/parody piece I wrote for entertainment, inspired by the trending topic on Twitter based on megachurch Pastor Lewis’ comments. It’s meant to be funny, don’t take it too seriously. I’m not making malicious fun of any religion, it’s just another crappy post that has a few good-natured jokes. Chill and don’t read it if you’re easily offended. Fair warning. :)
…on a particularly hot day after a humble lunch of figs and dates
Judas: Dude, I heard there’s this place in New Gomorrah where the womenfolk have melons the size of mountains, wanton enough to do anything for a piece of silver.
Simon: NO WAY!
Judas: I speak truly, there’s even plenty of drink, and none of that watered down wine crap we get here either. Also, stuff to smoke that makes you feel like you’re in frolicking in the Garden of Eden!
Simon: Fuckin’ A! Let’s go book our camel tickets right away!
Judas: You got moolah? I’m a bit short this month…you’ll have to extend me a loan, brother. Pay you back later. I swear to God.
Simon: Aww man, I forgot, the big guy took all my money when he told me to put down my fishing net and become fishers of men. I thought the boss meant women as well. You know what they say about assumptions. Ass. You. Me. Oh well.
Judas: No worries, I got a plan bro. Why don’t we sell it to senior management as…a trip to convert these heathens? We’ll call it…missionary work. Evangelism. Nice ring to it eh? Helping the Gentiles get into the Kingdom of Heaven and all that.
Simon: Wow man, I don’t know. Will it work?
Judas: Only one way to find out.
Two weeks later…
Parchment from Jesus:
Brothers Simon and Judas,
I have considered thy proposal and prayed for divine guidance on this matter. It warms my heart to see my disciples showing initiative and foresight. I can visualize how this would work to spread the Word of God around the world.
Brother Simon, thy request has been approved. I hereby dub thee Simon the Rock and thou shall go forth with my blessings and make believers out of the Gentiles. Please find attached 30 pieces of silver to cover thy expenses on this trip.
Brother Judas, I regret to inform thee that I cannot justify sending two of my disciples on a missionary trip. Thy have always had a way with words. I like the term “evangelism”, it’s very catchy and I have need of people of thy skills by my side. I would appreciate it if thy can start writing about mine deeds. It shall be called The Gospel according to Judas and it would please me if thy can spearhead this important task.
Love (agape, phileo, but not eros),
Judas: Fuck that shit man, it was my idea. I’m going.