I am going to start a new religion tentatively named “For Whom The Bell Tolls”.
We believe in the mortality of the human body and in accordance to that, our “communion” is to ring a huge ass bell 66 times to symbolize the average life span of a person.
The Bell (TM)
This bell shall not exceed 5,000 meters in diameter (although larger bells will be considered on a case to case basis and will likely be approved with a wink).
Said bell must have the acoustic capacity to wake everyone up within a minimum radius of 2 kms.
We believe in one true God. Monotheistic religions generally are tax exempt so I’m going to explain this exceedingly difficult to understand (but not as complex as 3-in-1 Father, Son, Holy Spirit, inseparable) concept.
Our one true God is called Substances.
There are many manifestations of substances e.g. ethanol (alcohol), MDMA, benzodiazepines, (insert your favorite).
This Man (or God) of Substance, as it is, is to be worshipped at exactly 3 am in the morning since it’s after party hours and you’ll have to go to bed after.
Every practitioner of For Whom The Bell Tolls is expected to reflect on what they did that day and how they could have helped themselves or their fellow man better.
I could have drank more so I won’t be dead sober now
I could have helped my friends be in a more cheery mood if we had more hydroponics
Upon said reflection, you’re expected to ring the bell 66 times, waking everyone up before showering (optional) and passing out.
We do not believe in donations. We do not believe in calls to prayers. We do not believe in evangelism.
However, we strongly believe that all true adepts in our religion should purchase their own bell to the specifications above.