boracay white beach sandcastle

After a long day diving and ATV riding at Boracay, we walked to White Beach to catch the sunset and I somehow managed to get my trusty flip flops stuck in the sand and the right pair finally gave out.

white beach sand

I could still use it by stuffing the bit that got loose back in – this pair has actually been relegated to my balcony back home, but it’s at best a temporary fix. It would come apart again at the slightest provocation, such as walking on the beach, or even sneezing for that matter.

I figured it was time to get new flip flops.

biggest pair of shoes in the world

The first shop I went to had one I really liked but unfortunately they were not for sale. It’s a display only item and anyhow, it was soooo large that I could practically *sleep* on it.

giant joke flip flops

I managed to get a pair for 400 pesos (about RM 30) at the next outlet but after I got back to the resort, I realized a little too late that it was slightly too big for me. :(

smirk

Posted: 9:50 am Boracay time (GMT +8)

Did you know that Jo Kukathas is female? She’s the person that plays a grossly inappropriate and stereotypical YB (Yang Berhormat) while Carmen Soo looks on. This was the best skit I watched last night at the Boh Cameronian Arts Awards 2012.

yb1

yb2

yb3

yb4

yb5

yb6

The photos I took of YB’s range of emotions and gestures is ripe for an exploitable, like the scene where Hitler completely loses it in Valkyrie. Heh.

Here’s a short video clip that had me in stitches. Hilarious.

Betrayal 1

Betrayal
The story of the little gangster that could

Betrayal 2

Homo Ahbengus
Native to: Malaysia, Singapore
Mating habits: Often and indiscriminate
Social behavior: Hunts in packs
Sanctuaries: Sibu, Kuching, Miri, Klang, Cheras

Ultimate goal in life:

Betrayal 3

To own a semi-automatic handgun (preferably wrapped in newspapers, the classic but rather cliched method of concealment).

Job description:

Betrayal 4

Loan shark. Getting usurious money lending interests or gambling debts by property destruction, kidnapping, intimidation of the borrower, family and extended family (and pets if they have any).

Betrayal 5

One day, after getting a RM 3,600 interest from a borrower, his IQ 64 brain creaked and slowly came to the seeds of what he thought was an ingenious idea.

I’ve got it!”, he exclaimed after 3 solid hours of hard thinking as the sun began to set in the horizon, still holding on to the wad of money.

Several startled birds flew off at his personal eureka and a couple who was doing the horizontal boogie in the abandoned car park furtively looked up and started quickly dressing.

He has worked long and hard to become the right hand man of the boss. General consensus was that he’s an asshole (which makes him Employee of the Month material in this line of work), just not very bright.

The latter was in fact the primary reason his boss trusted him with a handgun, though he did not know it.

Betrayal 6

Thus, when he concocted a cock and bull story about how one of his borrowers ran away to the freezing wastelands of Siberia and left only a RM 10 note, it was not altogether surprising that his boss looked at him in increasing incredulity and growing annoyance.

Betrayal 7

The boss expressed that annoyance in very reasonable discourse…using his fists.

Now, our protagonist did not think that was right. He has worked hard and risked his life (or so he would like to think, his victims were mostly degenerate gamblers who cringed when he raised his voice) and made his second intuitive leap of the day.

Betrayal 8

He thought it would be nice to be the boss for a change.

Betrayal 9

He slowly walked towards his boss as he slipped a very sharp knife out. He has a gun but unfortunately no bullets to go with it. His boss, being a little bit smarter, had only given him 3 bullets and he had used them all in a previous assignment. There was a gang war then and come to think of it, he didn’t think it was an accident that he walked into a room with four armed men and a gun with only three bullets.

Betrayal 10

He mulled on that piece of information as he stabbed, slashed and generally butchered his (now deceased) boss.

Betrayal 11

Then, he shook a cigarette out and smoked it ponderously as he thought about how wonderful it is to be the boss with a large gang beneath him. As I have previously mentioned, he is a bit slow.

Thus, when a random police patrol passed by two hours later, they saw a man sitting on top of a dead man, both of whom was very well known around these parts largely due to their criminal enterprises.

Betrayal 12

The man was covered with blood and appeared deep in thought.

________________________________________________________________________________

Notes: This was a photo shoot I did over two days during Chinese New Year. Willie of I-Concept Event Agency introduced me to Jason, who runs Jasongs Photography. I’ve known Willie for years (he’s Jeanie’s brother) and when he asked if I could do him a favor by being a model in a photo shoot, I was happy to help out.

Jason and Willie just got into a partnership and they do a lot of wedding photos and family shots. They wanted to do a high pass shoot – there was a lot of fake blood (which is permanent if it gets on your clothes), location scouting, multiple flash units to light everything up and early mornings. That is not a real gun – it’s a Beretta 92F replica. It was a lot of fun to do and we found this really cool abandoned house which would be great for photos.

I wrote this tongue-in-cheek post when I saw the photos just now. I agreed to help with the captions so I have an alternate post on Facebook with completely different text. It’s more serious and gritty, you can view and read the photo story here. Let me know which one you think is better. :)

macau ferry

Board ferry from Hong Kong to Macau

new world first ferry

Puke on the ferry

macau immigration

Spend 2 hours clearing immigration

macau complimentary shuttle

Get accosted by representatives of various casinos and board one of their free shuttles

macau casino

Lose an insane amount of money

pork chop bun

Eat a pork chop bun to try and cheer yourself up

senado square

Walk aimlessly around Senado Square

grand lisboa

Contemplate suicide, settles for shaking fist at Grand Lisboa

hong kong

Return to Hong Kong

You’ll all heard of my disastrous relationships. This makes me somewhat of an expert in these things if you follow the logic of what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. smirk

guide pea

I have devised a rather ingenious method based on countless personal encounters to qualitatively research and determine if the girl you’re with is:

  • Just a tiny annotation in the tome called Your Great Journey Through Life

or

  • The princess you’ve been looking for all your life. You want to marry her and live happily ever after till-death-do-you-part-amen.

It involves a pea.

baby peas

Step 1

Buy some frozen peas from your local supermarket

Step 2

Insert pea under the bed

Step 3

Wait and see if the girl comments on it

Specifically, the fairy tale calls for your princess to be able to feel the pea under a mound of mattresses but since that would be logistically difficult to pull off (who sleeps on a stack of mattresses anyway?) – just chuck the pea under your bed.

princess and pea

The height required would be well fulfilled by the empty space below your bed.

Trust me. I have tried this numerous times before. The conversation in bed the first time usually goes like this:

Her: Hmm…that’s a very small pe…
Me: OMG! YOU FELT IT?
Her: Baby, I don’t want to offend you but I can barely feel it.
Me: IT DOESN’T MATTER! DON’T YOU SEE WHAT THIS MEANS? WE’RE MEANT TO BE TOGETHER! :D
Her: Is it in yet?
Me: My princess! <3

Works like a charm.

Of course, I'm still single but...

Oh, wait. Damn.

Disclaimer: This is another satire/parody piece I wrote for entertainment, inspired by the trending topic on Twitter based on megachurch Pastor Lewis’ comments. It’s meant to be funny, don’t take it too seriously. I’m not making malicious fun of any religion, it’s just another crappy post that has a few good-natured jokes. Chill and don’t read it if you’re easily offended. Fair warning. :)

…on a particularly hot day after a humble lunch of figs and dates

Judas: Dude, I heard there’s this place in New Gomorrah where the womenfolk have melons the size of mountains, wanton enough to do anything for a piece of silver.
Simon: NO WAY!
Judas: I speak truly, there’s even plenty of drink, and none of that watered down wine crap we get here either. Also, stuff to smoke that makes you feel like you’re in frolicking in the Garden of Eden!
Simon: Fuckin’ A! Let’s go book our camel tickets right away!
Judas: You got moolah? I’m a bit short this month…you’ll have to extend me a loan, brother. Pay you back later. I swear to God.
Simon: Aww man, I forgot, the big guy took all my money when he told me to put down my fishing net and become fishers of men. I thought the boss meant women as well. You know what they say about assumptions. Ass. You. Me. Oh well.
Judas: No worries, I got a plan bro. Why don’t we sell it to senior management as…a trip to convert these heathens? We’ll call it…missionary work. Evangelism. Nice ring to it eh? Helping the Gentiles get into the Kingdom of Heaven and all that.
Simon: Wow man, I don’t know. Will it work?
Judas: Only one way to find out.

Two weeks later…

Parchment from Jesus:
Brothers Simon and Judas,

I have considered thy proposal and prayed for divine guidance on this matter. It warms my heart to see my disciples showing initiative and foresight. I can visualize how this would work to spread the Word of God around the world.

Brother Simon, thy request has been approved. I hereby dub thee Simon the Rock and thou shall go forth with my blessings and make believers out of the Gentiles. Please find attached 30 pieces of silver to cover thy expenses on this trip.

Brother Judas, I regret to inform thee that I cannot justify sending two of my disciples on a missionary trip. Thy have always had a way with words. I like the term “evangelism”, it’s very catchy and I have need of people of thy skills by my side. I would appreciate it if thy can start writing about mine deeds. It shall be called The Gospel according to Judas and it would please me if thy can spearhead this important task.

Love (agape, phileo, but not eros),
JC

meme mashup

Judas: Fuck that shit man, it was my idea. I’m going.

Okay, check this out! I was pretty impressed by this music video made by The Promise. They based it on this post of mine. It’s basically a satire/parody thing that they’re doing for bloggers. I like how they customize each of their videos to the personalities of the blogger.

The Promise is a band that’s trying to raise awareness of the safety of online shopping. Surf over to the We Promise You site for more details.

I have to say, it’s a great initiative by both The Promise and Text100 Malaysia. I’ve always thought Text100 was one of the best PR companies I’ve ever seen and here’s an example of it – they actually make the video before contacting you and asking you for permission to post on the site. Now that’s initiative – actually doing stuff instead of calculating ROIs and all that. It’s the only way to go for the digital front. :)

The video is hilarious, check it out! Heh!

I am going to start a new religion tentatively named “For Whom The Bell Tolls”.

for whom the bell tolls

Doctrine
We believe in the mortality of the human body and in accordance to that, our “communion” is to ring a huge ass bell 66 times to symbolize the average life span of a person.

The Bell (TM)
This bell shall not exceed 5,000 meters in diameter (although larger bells will be considered on a case to case basis and will likely be approved with a wink).
Said bell must have the acoustic capacity to wake everyone up within a minimum radius of 2 kms.

Our Creed
We believe in one true God. Monotheistic religions generally are tax exempt so I’m going to explain this exceedingly difficult to understand (but not as complex as 3-in-1 Father, Son, Holy Spirit, inseparable) concept.

Our one true God is called Substances.
There are many manifestations of substances e.g. ethanol (alcohol), MDMA, benzodiazepines, (insert your favorite).

This Man (or God) of Substance, as it is, is to be worshipped at exactly 3 am in the morning since it’s after party hours and you’ll have to go to bed after.

Every practitioner of For Whom The Bell Tolls is expected to reflect on what they did that day and how they could have helped themselves or their fellow man better.

Example:
I could have drank more so I won’t be dead sober now
I could have helped my friends be in a more cheery mood if we had more hydroponics

Upon said reflection, you’re expected to ring the bell 66 times, waking everyone up before showering (optional) and passing out.

We do not believe in donations. We do not believe in calls to prayers. We do not believe in evangelism.

However, we strongly believe that all true adepts in our religion should purchase their own bell to the specifications above. smirk

taking the piss

I don’t. I can piss anywhere. In full view of incoming traffic. At the urinal while chatting with the guy beside me (much to his discomfort, I’m sure). Hell, I’ve even let loose from a penthouse suite in the balcony once in Melbourne. Contrary to popular belief (as most Asians who haven’t truly met Caucasians and think they are the epitome of the Son of God incarnated) it’s quite common to take a leak in an alley. It’s not “an uncultured Malaysian thing” (sorry to disappoint you girls, you just haven’t met that many Caucasians if you think that) but something that happens all over the world.

However, do you think it is culturally acceptable over here to piss like a racehorse when there are no toilets in sight?

Fret not, comrades! I’ve come up with an FAQ for this extremely common accident!

faq hole

Q: OMG! I just stepped on a stray electrical socket adapter while going to the loo in the middle of the night! Help! What should I do?
A: Don’t panic. Turn on the light and inspect the damage. Did you step on the white part (good) or the yellow part (bad)?

faq good

Good

faq bad

Bad

Q: How do I know if I’ve stepped on it on the face side up or prong side up?
A: It’s easy. If you stepped on the electrical socket adapter on the face side up, it would most likely twist or warp the contraption with no ill effects to you.

faq shatter

However, if you stepped on it prong side up, you will most likely feel a sharp pain followed by a string of profanity consistent with Tourette Syndrome. You will also notice some bleeding on the soles of your feet.

Q: Phew! I’ve stepped on the white part. What do I need to do?
A: Nothing. Just get another electrical socket adapter if you need it.

Q: How can I prevent occurrences of stepping-on-electrical-socket-adapters in the future?
A: This is a no brainer. Most people won’t them lying around in likely paths of foot traffic in your house…so don’t!

faq hide

Q: What if I’m not most people?
A: You’ll need to consult this guide frequently and often. It might also help to keep some disinfectant in your house e.g. Dettol.

Q: What if I don’t believe in disinfectant?
A: Sure, I understand you just want to go back to sleep after taking a pee. It’s all good. However, be prepared to walk gingerly for the next 2-3 weeks, depending on how hard you stepped on it, which is in turn dependant on your body weight.

Q: 2-3 weeks? Are you kidding me? Does it take that long to heal?
A: As a rule of thumb, yes. Wounds in movable parts of your body (palms, wrist, soles) takes longer to deal due to the constant friction and contact you make with various external objects during the course of the day.

Q: Do I have to see a doctor?
A: Most people won’t have to. However, if you’re a pussy or suffering from haemophilia (which causes your blood to not coagulate properly), it might be a good idea to consider heading over to your GP. At least for the latter.

Q: What’s going to happen to the poor sole of my feet after 2-3 weeks?
A: Well, you’ll form a hard callus where the point of injury occurred. You’ll notice that the skin is significantly thicker and rougher. It’s no big deal.

Q: Okay, what if I still want to leave random items lying around the house and walk around in the middle of the night with no lights on?
A: I strongly suggest snapping off the Earth prong. It’s the one that sticks up the most (the longest one) and from previous experience, it’s the one that causes the most damage. You can also opt to snap off all three for good measure.

faq dismantle

Q: Okay, I’ve done just that. Will I still get injured when I step on it in the middle of the night?
A: Nope, it has now transformed into a nice, benign surface with no pointy bits. It’s perfectly safe to step on, kick around, hide under dirty articles of clothing or anything else you leave around without causing any more harm to unsuspecting nocturnal creatures.

Q: Will I still be able to use the electrical socket after that?
A: Hmm…you can try. But how are you going to plug it in without the prongs?

faq plug

?

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