Guide to marrying the right person

You’ll all heard of my disastrous relationships. This makes me somewhat of an expert in these things if you follow the logic of what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. smirk

guide pea

I have devised a rather ingenious method based on countless personal encounters to qualitatively research and determine if the girl you’re with is:

  • Just a tiny annotation in the tome called Your Great Journey Through Life


  • The princess you’ve been looking for all your life. You want to marry her and live happily ever after till-death-do-you-part-amen.

It involves a pea.

baby peas

Step 1

Buy some frozen peas from your local supermarket

Step 2

Insert pea under the bed

Step 3

Wait and see if the girl comments on it

Specifically, the fairy tale calls for your princess to be able to feel the pea under a mound of mattresses but since that would be logistically difficult to pull off (who sleeps on a stack of mattresses anyway?) – just chuck the pea under your bed.

princess and pea

The height required would be well fulfilled by the empty space below your bed.

Trust me. I have tried this numerous times before. The conversation in bed the first time usually goes like this:

Her: Hmm…that’s a very small pe…
Her: Baby, I don’t want to offend you but I can barely feel it.
Her: Is it in yet?
Me: My princess! <3 Works like a charm. Of course, I'm still single but... Oh, wait. Damn.

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48 thoughts on “Guide to marrying the right person”

    • Cheers bro!

      Glad you liked it! I haven’t written a post like this for a while, it’s fun to mix things up once in a while. πŸ™‚

  1. Bro .. One of the best short whimsical posts I have read for quite a while … Makes me think differently of you … In a nice manner *wink*

    Hey you coming to the event after this ?? Call you later …

    • Heh! Thanks bro! I write stuff like this for fun.

      Glad to hear that mate!

      Hey, unfortunately I can’t make it tonight due to family obligations, please extend my apologies and I’ll be sure to come to the next one.

      Cheers bro! πŸ™‚

    • Thanks Sharon! πŸ™‚

      Yup, I’m sure it’s healthier. It certainly tastes better too!

      I didn’t buy the peas, I specifically went to the frozen vegetables section yesterday to take a photo.

      I prefer eating peas in a pod anyway. πŸ˜€

    • Haha! Yeah, that’s basically it, but before she could say it, the guy assumed it was a pea.

      I just wrote this for fun btw, filed under Satire/Parody and my whimsical and completely nonsensical Guides. πŸ™‚

  2. I guess the people who don’t get it have never been read the fairy tale as a child πŸ˜‰
    I thought it was completely hilarious, your spin on the old story πŸ™‚

    • Yeah, I would have thought it’s a very common fairy tale!

      The Princess & The Pea.

      Thanks Sue! Appreciate the kind comments. I was lying in bed yesterday morning and this story came to me, progressed to a variant and I just had to write about it. It sounded funnier in my head.

      It’s good to hear from you again! Have a great week Sue! πŸ™‚

    • Haha! Thanks Aud! πŸ˜€

      I actually wrote three versions of this – had a different start each time before finally settling on this version. I even had a dictionary but left it out. Here’s the original bit:

      Qualitatively: Requires a real effort in your suspension of disbelief
      Research: Pulling numbers out from where the sun don’t shine
      Determine: Making leaps of logic which would confound Einstein

      I love writing one of my inane guides and FAQs.

      When inspiration strikes for a nonsensical guide, I just *have* to write about it. πŸ™‚

  3. Re: Peas under the matress

    Thathas got to be the worst thing I have ever heard, if the bitch cant sleep because of a pea, how the hell is she goinaa go through life? Oh the sun is too bright, the air is too warm, oh i am too fucking lazy to wipe my arse. hell no, send her packing already.

    how was your trip to HK? Good shopping? All the big brands without the big price tag.

    • Heh! I didn’t mean it literally bro, was referencing the fairy tale.

      Hong Kong was good but I didn’t go there to shop – went to experience the culture. πŸ˜€

    • I hope that never happens. Haha!

      It was a twist on the classic fairy tale…events not inspired by real life. *cough*

      LOL! I’m serious, nothing like that has happened to me. πŸ˜‰


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