Look, there's the guy that fucked up

Hello everyone. I’m having a really bad time now. I feel like i’m
going crazy. Before any of you make any presumptions, no I’m not on
drugs and yes, i did take my benzos like a good boy. i came into work
and i realized that all i have been doing is data entry for the past
few weeks (months?). i’m not a programmer, please change my job title,
i’m a simple data entry clerk. not tha t there’s anything wrong with
that, but i was doing programming for my own project (pengsan.com) and
i realized how i missed it, because it was fun.

i came in work today. it’s a holiday but i have unfinished work. on
opening my inbox i received a deluge of emails from the person i liase
with in another company for more data entry work. i looked at my
outstanding work and it wasn’t a lot, just need to do a mass replace on
ids, prob take 4 hours max. but i couldn’t touch it. i couldn’t look at
it.

i guess some of you would say i had a panic attack. but thats
improbable because i’m on a high benzo maintanence theraphy for my
anxiety, social phobia and panic attacks. you know the drill, i
couldn’t breath, i felt like i was going crazy, there’s sounds that
makes me jump, i can’t breath i feel like i’m having a heart attack, my
heart is jackhammering and i want to hide from i don’t know what but i
feel like my mind is ripped apart and i can’t escape, please help me
god!

it slowly passed and i guess you could say it was a panic attack but
like i said, i’m on benzos already. i’m also not taking drugs if anyone
is thinking along that lines. though the bad part passed and i felt
better, i still couldn’t do the work i came here to do. i took a walk
and came back and still couldn’t do it. i thought about a lot of things.

i felt like calling it quits but i don’t want to fuck up. its
chinese new year soon and i don’t want to go back to the family reunion
dinner with my parents and aunties and uncles and grandma and cousins
and all the other relatives without a job. i’ll be the one that fucked
up. they won’t say it of course, i’m sure they’ll be supportive or not
mention it but i know what all of them would think

he couldn’t take it. he cracked under pressure and he’s a jobless bum.

and i am. am i not? if i quit, that’s what i am. a fucking jobless
loser who couldn’t take it and quit. that’s all i am and that’s all i’m
going to be so i might as well just fuck off from the gene pool and
make the world a more productive and reliable place.

i don’t want to quit. i don’t think i can either, its understaffed
at the moment and contract says 1 month notice. i haven’t cashed in my
paycheck but i don’t think they’ll allow me to give it back in lieu of
one months notice. i’m afraid that there will be consequences from bad
feelings too. and thats not to mention the big fucking smear on my
resume from quitting on my first job and getting a bad reference. in
the current situation (overabundence of it grads), i’ll be lucky if i
could get a job ever again. there’s two million people waiting to
replace me who would be more than happy to have a job and more than
happy to accept my salary and do repetitive data entry.

but the most important thing is i don’t want to quit. i’ll fuck
myself up. and i don’t want everyone to talk about me and be known as
the person who’s WEAK and COULDN”T TAKE IT and CAN”T HANDLE PRESSURE
and QUITTER QUITTER YOU FUCKING LOSER!Q!!!

i don’t want to disappoint my parents and i don’t want to go to the
chinese new year reunion jobless and see what they think in their eyes
even though they won’t mention it.

i don’t want to quit but i don’t know if i can take all this data
entry work much longer.i can’t look at it. yeah i bet some of you would
think i’m weak but you don’t know me, you don’t know my psychiatric
history, you don’t know how many hours i put in recently and how many
hours i sleep and the most important thing is, i don’t give two shits
about what you think, sorry for disapppoiting you. like i siad, i’m
just worried about what my family (inc. extended) and gf and gf’s
family would think.

or maybe i’m just saying that coz i did mention that i don’t want to
be known as the guy who fucked up so maybe i do care about what you
think and i’ m just lashing out as a defensively.

i don’t want to quit and be know as the fucking loser quitter good for nothing piece of shit fucking loser.

i don’t want all that. what should i do?

i can’t look at the work i’m doing anymore. i’ll take the lrt back
now and sleep on it. i’ll see how it goes tomorrow, perhaps i’ll feel
better and come in and do the repetitive data entry but it disgruntles
me coz i’m not learning and updating my skills in programming at work
and i don’t have time at home. this is not to be seen as a critisism of
my company of course, i willingly accepted more work during a meeting
last time.

i’ll just go back and sleep and see how it goes tomorrow.

i don’t want to quit. what should i do?

i don’t want to be the loser in the reunion dinner. the weak one who broke down and quit his job, that loser.

what should i do?

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