Time flies when you’re having fun…

it really does. I can’t say I had fun in the exact sense of the word
today, but even though people think that today is a beautiful day to
die, I will not kick the bucket today, so that’s a cause for
celebration if anything. πŸ™‚

Hey, look at me, I did not buy the farm, it’s nearly 12 AM! I told
ya, que sera sera and all that since the prognosis for an ICH
(hemorrhagic) stroke isn’t exactly very promising. πŸ™‚ Don’t ask me why
I’m quite sure it’ll be this variant that hits me, I’ll just say
predisposing factors and leave it at that. I made sure that my wishes
for a DNR was clear after the first incident (self diagnosed as TIA)
happened. I’ll state it again, I have strong feelings about it, so in
the case of severe neurological damage, Do Not Resuscitate. Thank you.

Anyway, I can’t answer any questions about why I have conditions of
these nature at a relatively young age. I’ll just say I’ve been
stressing my cardiovascular system for a long time now, and I don’t
mean exercise if you catch my drift, and it’s not very happy at me. πŸ˜‰
I also have hypertension, highest recorded was over 220 systolic in ER,
but usually 145/100 (measured with those portable units instead of
hospital grade equiptment though). Blah blah, will update again later,
I’ve been feeling less than optimal for the whole day.

Also, no lectures about not going to a hospital please, for reasons
of my own, I do not want to check in unless the big one is definately
impending and even then, there’s no point since well…my brain would
probably be ravaged before the ambulance arrives when that happens, and
the doctor would be all “Hey, your son’s prognosis doesn’t seem to
good, and er…oops there goes his brain, slippery fucker, the
cerebellum just herniated, now that’s not good…no sir, that’s not
good at all…”. πŸ˜‰

Its funny huh, how I always fear losing my cognitive abilities more
than anything else. I didn’t even give much thought to the delibitating
chest pains, even though it was, er…theoretically capable of
making grown men with high thresholds of pain accidentally produce
moisture in the ocular region and also gave them an urge to lie on the
ground, though the person in this example insists he did not collapse
in pain, but merely felt like sitting down. He just sat down a little
faster than usual. *cough* So there.

Do you people get this? I mean caring more for your gray matter than
anything else? I had the time of my life (heh) this morning, the
headaches and “pressure” around my head was killing (pun not intended,
but the previous one was) me and to top it off my body thought it would
be nice to shout me some malignant hyperthermia, how nice of him. Oh
yeah, if any of my housemates reads this, don’t eat the ice in the
freezer, I made batches to “agressively” reduce my core body
temperature (brain damage = bad) by putting ice cubes in my groin area.
So yeah, it probably won’t taste all that good with coke after I was
done with it. πŸ˜‰

Anyway, some doctors seems to suggest that ice bags in the groin
area to dissipate heat works better than a full on ice bath or a cold
shower in some cases, like mine, where cardiac complications were
present. Which reminds me of something funny, now my sister has just
graduated not too long ago, so she’s a “real” doctor now, but her
knowledge in the areas of this particular medical emergency and
biopsychiatry disturbs me quite a bit. The second bit is
understandable, since I’m…well, rather familar with the issues and I
have a personal interest in it as well.

However, her suggestions for managing the unfortunate morning
incident should it repeat itself seems to be less than optimal, no
offence intended of course. She knows more about other fields while I
just read about what would affect me and things I’m interested in. She
doesn’t think that hyperthermia is related even after I told her
(legal) sympathomimetic substances were involved. She’s going to kill
someone one day, hyperthermia is usually present in cases of excessive
consumption of sympathomimetics. πŸ˜‰

Disregarding that fact, that leaves the two possiblities – either my
thermometer broke down sometime between last night and this morning but
yet managed to get consistant records, or the readings are somewhat
accurate (it’s a first aid kit supply, so it’s not exactly industrial
quality, but it’s rectal, which should be more accurate). It’s 51 C
btw, my body has a golf player’s mentality…always seeking the perfect
high score and beating previous records.

[Note: My sister states that it’s its not possible to survive
that reading, and since the thermometer is working perfectly, and
barring devine intervention, the logical conclusion would be human
error – I must have misread the temperature in the confusing mental
state during the incident. I measured it again now (3:49 AM), and it
reads 39 C which is slightly above borderline, so I would guess that
the previous reading was 41 C. I feel much better now though, and
that’s the benzos talking since I literally took the advice of
“generous” amounts. πŸ˜‰ I am tolerant (call it dependant if it makes you
happy) so I am able to remain cohesive and awake on high doses.
However, this is something my doctor is helping me with, I am on a
taper plan, so we’ll not talk about this. I’m concerned that the
readings are above borderline even though I keep trying to remain cool.
There is no other issues besides this and chest pains. Fever is present
but I don’t “feel” hot. Cognitive abilities not affected, though I’m
concerned about the prolonged nature of higher than threshold
temperature measurements and the predisposing factors are all there. I
will take a shower now and see how it goes, even though I feel cold (?)
though my forehead is very warm. Rhabdomyolysis is becoming a concern –
lack of fluid intake, use of a sympathomimetic with known toxicity and
direct links to reported deaths due to renal failure from
rhabdomyolysis, muscle weakness and pain since morning but was told not
to worry about it by sister. I don’t know man…I can’t be having these
levels of anxiety while on a high dose of benzodiazepines and urinary
output is very low (haven’t gone in 12 hours, but will go now) but then
I’ve experienced these before and came out right as rain. Question for
anyone who knows, can a GP provide a Serum CK test or would going to a
pathology lab be better? Thanks.]

I would not have shoved ice cubes down my pants and got so worried
if it wasn’t for that and the TIA. πŸ˜‰ The incident passed after a while
though, except for the hyperthermia, why the fuck would I append
“malignant” to it if it’s just a once off event? :p I still have ice
cubes in the freezer. Anyway, residual “strangeness” (confusion),
problems with feeling extremities and the occational chest pain was
present till now but naturally, those were taken like a man ;).

I’m not worried about kicking the bucket due to heart failure or
rhabdomyolysis induced liver failure…I’m only worried about the
possibility of hemorrhagic strokes and the severe and recurring
hyperthermia because that has a high possibility of causing permanant
neurological deficits. I usually keep this shit to myself, but today
was special. I wouldn’t want to describe the feelings during the
suspected TIA, but it wasn’t fun, ya know, plus it’s a little blur to
me, my chronological sense was heavily affected.

I felt that it was necessary to remind them about my strong feelings
against being put on life support coz I’m a green vegetable, thus I
called my sister and told her about my wishes for a DNR, just in case,
since TIAs are usually followed by the big one. It still hasn’t come
though, and I believe it won’t. πŸ™‚ Que sera sera either way. You’re
wrong, I didn’t buy the farm today. I agree that it’s a beautiful day
to die, but I don’t want to. πŸ™‚

Hmm…I’ve been quite personal in this post. Just a disclaimer to
say that I’m not some poor sick kid, I’m perfectly fine, I just have a
couple of medical issues like most people, which may manifest itself
like it did today. Doctors would probably know what triggered my
existing hypertension and cardiac problems from the symptoms and
medical issues that I’ve mentioned, but please note that I didn’t want
to go to a hospital and self medicated for a reason.

Thus, I have go on record saying that the catalyst is a perfectly legal sympathomimetic agent – caffeine,
commonly found in coffee and other drinks. I do not possess or use
anything illegal. Which reminds me, I have to give my sister credit for
her perceptiveness when she mentioned that if it really was caffeine,
then it would be out the system soon. In my defence, I said I drank a
lot and after a certain threshold, the elimination rate would be unable
to keep up and maintain textbook half lives. A pat on the back for me
too, for a good comeback. πŸ˜‰

Anyway. there’s no need to worry about me too, I’m perfectly fine
after generous administration of lorazepam, a fast acting
anticonvulsant, unlike slowpoke clonazepam, which was why I was never
worried about seizures. God’s gift to man. πŸ˜‰ I took diazepam in adjuct
to lorazepam as well, works pretty well, managed to bring down the
hypertension to a more managable point, slow down my heart and give it
some well deserved rest (it balks, then hurts me, then threatens to
stop when I do the mildest movements, like moving my arm) and also
calmed me down to boot. I swear benzodiazepines would be more handy in
a medicine cabinet than Panadols. πŸ˜‰

Anyway, keep in mind that I’m not a doctor and my sister disagrees
with me about the efficacy of benzodiazepines in treating the symptoms
above, but she can’t tell alprazolam from clonazepam, and medical
literature (not quacks, established ones) has shown that
benzodiazepines does produce the three desired effects either directly
or indirectly and it’s indicated for treatment of sympathomimetic
triggered complications, and not just to sedate patients. However,
standard disclaimer applies, I have a legitimate prescription and self
medicating is not an alternative to seeking medical help.

It can be very dangerous to self diagnose and self medicate and it
can make things worse. Just go to a hospital, at least they can break
out with the CT, MRIs and ECGs with leads that leaves a sticky residue
on you for ages. Do as I say, not as I do and all that. Trust me, it’s
fun, especially when the doctor shows you the CT scan and explains the
diagram to you. It makes you wonder when the intracranial bleeding will
start manifesting itself, and it’s wonder and anticipation that makes
life fun! =D

You’ll be all looking forward to the day when you start noticing
that your brain isn’t all that nifty anymore. The anticipation! Such
joy to be derived from a simple pleasure! I’m not speaking from
experience of course, veritas told me about his in Australia. Anyway, I
would advice visiting a hospital in such cases, however, I just can’t
and I don’t want to, due to personal reasons. Oh, Malaysiaku, aku sangat bangga dengan undang undang mu! lalala!

Right, I’m popping into the fridge to get some supplies. Excuse me.

You know, that incident felt like ages ago. πŸ™‚ Admittedly, I was
rather confused (hypertensive states tends to have this effect) and
don’t remember much, but I’m not worried either. That’s not the
benzodiazepines talking. Que sera sera. Whatever will be will be. The
future’s not ours to see and all that. There! I told you, my number is
not up today. πŸ™‚ My apologies for any disappointment caused by not
being 6 feet under. My cards weren’t up a couple of months ago and my
cards weren’t up today either. Someone up there loves me! πŸ™‚

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