I’ve always wanted to be a hitman ever since I was a little kid. People go through phases of wanting to be a policeman (or fireman) and progress to something more prestigious like a doctor (or lawyer) before settling on a realistic degree like computer science. Not me.
All I’ve ever wanted to be was an assassin. Not just your run of the mill assassin, mind, but a professional assassin. Utilizing various tools of the trade to deadly effect, and disappearing without a trace after the hit. Money flows into bank accounts in the Cayman Islands (or Aruba, or whichever country is in vogue for money laundering now) and you proceed to the next assignment.
However, I have a problem with hyperhidrosis. That’s a fancy medical term for excessive sweating. Thus, I gave up on my dreams coz you can’t really pull a ninja and sneak into someone’s house and patiently hide for 12 hours until he returns if you have underarm odor. You can’t be covert if your target can smell you from a mile away.
Thus, I was ecstatic when Rexona passed me a Rexona Men Absolute Survival Kit. Finally, my dreams can be realized. At last – a solution to the stumbling block of my dream career! I can finally give up my day job and become…a professional assassin.
I think they somehow knew what I wanted coz inside the kit was a Swiss Army knife and a (very) bright LED light. They also threw in a compass, perhaps from reading about the logistical problems I’ve been having driving around KL. Thus armed with the survival kit, I can finally go on my path of wanton destruction, carving a swath of dead bodies across the Klang Valley.
The Rexona Men Quantum provides me with 24-hour anti-perspirant protection. This is very useful, not just in the scenario outlined above, but also for those all-important client meetings. It helps me keep my cool and maintain a professional façade (while smelling fresh) during face-to-face meetings.
I have met up with several potential clients. The above is not a benign bloggers meet but a covert collective discussion about “getting rid” of certain other bloggers to increase traffic and income flow. Just look at the devious expressions on our faces. I must admit, I look a little bit out of place wearing a shirt and a tie at a mamak but I am learning…
One very positive client I met at Starbucks BB Plaza (wearing a casual Quiksilver shirt with a cigarette dangling in hand to blend in with the lala crowd at Sungai Wang – I learn fast) was with a poor girl who wants to “off” her good for nothing alcoholic boyfriend. I hear the last straw for her is the boyfriend committing the horrific crime of keeping her up late from the incessant updating of his stupid blog.
Her identity will not be revealed of course, but I have already assembled the tools of my trade:
You might not think a pair of scissors can do much, but remember what your mother told you about running with a pair.
Wooden chopsticks may look harmless to you, but it could poke out an eye or two.
A can opener does not look dangerous at all, but wait till I open up a can of whoopass…er, I mean Campbell’s soup and use the sharp edges against you. We’ll see what you think about can openers then, eh? :p
Even a hairdryer can do a lot of damage (as demonstrated in You Don’t Mess With The Zohan).
I bet you wouldn’t want me to drop it inside your bathtub while you’re in it. π
I have started to become a master of disguise, dressed like a professional for a hit inside a corporate environment (really, sometime office politics are taken to the extreme)…
…or dressed like a street kid, ready to ruin someone’s perfectly good day.
I have gotten quite good at it too, taking a shower and applying Rexona Men Power before going through my wardrobe for the suitable attire for the current hit.
The last thing you will see is me shining a light in your eye and a stab to your jugular vein before you kick the bucket. With Rexona Men’s line of 24-hour anti-perspirant deodorants, I can easily hide inside your home for the entire day, just waiting for you to come back at night.
No sweat.
Rexona Absolute Extreme Contest is based on the premise of writing about your dreams. If there was no limit to what you could do, what would your life be like?
Step 1: Write a blog entry on the theme “If I had an ABSOLUTE EXTREME life”. The style, content and length of this post is entirely up to you – be crazy, be cute, be funny, be extreme.
Step 2: Following the theme, take a photo of yourself in your most extreme moment with a bottle of Rexona Men Absolute Protection deodorant and include it with your entry. Push your imagination to the limit!
Step 3: Then, drop an email to rexonaabsolute@nuffnang.com with your full name and permalink of your written blog post before 29 January 2008 and you can stand a chance to win these prizes:
EXTREME PRIZES
Grand Prize x 1: Full Day Car Drifting Course (car provided)
2nd Prize x 1: White Water Rafting Experience for 2
3rd Prize x 1: Adventure Hike at Gombak Forest Reserve for 4
Consolation prizes x 7: Rexona Men Absolute Survival Kit
The contest prizes are really interesting. I would love to snag the full day car drifting course, using the provided car of course. I don’t want to crash my own car – I need it for my next assignment.
I know I’ll have a huge problem doing this in KL since the roads are so messed up I feel like killing myself. I can’t complete a scheduled hit if I can’t be there on time (or understand the instructions to get there).
I need to put the Rexona Men Ice Cool deodorant in my car just to cope with the stress of driving here…
Excuse me, I have to be somewhere. A business dispute has spiraled out of control and I’m needed to…uncomplicated matters. π
hahaha this is funny.and hey i love the swiss army knife! im also very musculine and wanted to be assassin!!! when is rexona giving the kit to me?
Haha, interesting post! I like the way you wrote this =D
do you shave your armpits hair? i see you nipple piecing. it’s GROSS! does it hurt?
This may be entirely inappropriate, but…
Is that a nipple piercing?
Whoops. I’m not exactly watching the Rexona. Haha…
I like the not so covert address on the Doris situation lol.. I’m still amazed by your commitment to sixthseal.com. Can’t wait for the archives to come back in better form, lots of classic posts are to return!
Dude, you and Zoe look nice together……BUT she underaged isnt it? Sigh…..Happy Ney Year Bro
Don’t think I’ll hire you as a hitman even if I’m desperate. The last time I saw you, I remembered very clearly, you passed out on a sofa while everyone and everything goes past you. :p
wah seh, damn kilat your kalatai
Sorry to say this but the prizes are kinda sad, not worth the effort of participating in the first place.
Even if you win first place, how much could a car drifting session possibly cost? A few hundred bucks?
Come on Rexona, you’re owned by Unilever. You can do better and you know it.
As far as the hitman goes, whenever I leave my home, I slide on my dark glasses ( going east onto the new sun at 5 am), and play “highway to the danger zone”. This was the first year I did not cary a gun under my seat ). In fact, I Have 3 mix cd’s called driving music. I am lucky I don’t have more tickets than I have. You have quite a fan club here in WNC (albiet most are twice your age – like me) For exaple,Connie, who is 51 and just had radical breast surgery ( they cut them off) has been following your stuff. She is doing well, as is her husband David. And the umpteen street kids they love. Don’t mean to put pressure on you. but you do alot of good. Mr. Jones.
Tom
U forget something important! Hitman never reveal his/her identity to no one except the client or middle guy! You are exposed XD
Mike, ok wat. Normally I think the car drifting lessons on itself would be a few hundred bucks. But you have to bring your own car. So on your own risk la.
If you want to rent it car, it can get pretty expensive.
Rexona’s car drifting lessons includes the use of a car.
Anyway, I wouldn’t mind learning how to drive like the “Italian job”. All the actors were given full driving lessons, as they did most of the car stunts themselves.
If you want to see the car lessons on the Italian Job, get the DVD. Very cool. Charlize Theron was very good and competitive. haha.
@Spectre – Client also cannot reveal. Must sit in the shadows one!!!
the best assaaine is the one no one suppects. Read day of the jackal. an old book.
p.s don’t shave those armpits or private areas. You might need to scratch at the most inoppurtune times . As any male knows, when it itches, you gotta scratch , dont matter if you are are a king, president, CEO or prime minister or a common man (like me) or where you are at ( at a wedding, funeral, etc..) you gotta scratch. Believe me, it is gonna itch. I have done it once,and all I can say is it ani’t going occur twice in my life. I will get hariry as a bison ( bufffaloe) before I do that again. Wishing you well( and dont not try that liquid stuff, unless you want to feel bad all over) it is even worse. Been there, done that, let me save you some grief HB. LOL tom
Interesting rexona kit. They should have a kid for ladies too armed with a deodorant, sexy lingerie and chocolates! So can a lady take part in the contest?!! Nice Zohan pose! Lol…
fly low, under the radar
Mate, u r in a concrete jungle called KL. Y r u wearing long sleeve shirt n tie??? Tat’s n shit doesn’t mean squat anymore in the concrete jungle.
If u r afraid to show them in public…. damn u r like a inconspicuous exhibitionist. It’s an oxymoron of sort… ???
Rule of the concrete jungle is “if u have it flaunt it”.
π Cheers – Tuanku
You watch too much tv.
There’s no other definite reason to it.
Great collection of assassin machinery there, all laid out on a state-of-the-art sophisticated assassin folding self-destructive electric table decorated with bullet-proof flowers π The Rexona looks like a Motorola hp at a glance π
Cool man…
I love that!
I must say, this is one of the most interesting advert!!Really realy creative!! =D Nice one!!
I’m only interested in a transporter. You seem like a nice try. Need a job? π
dont messed with HUAI BIN……lol!!!!!nice post nice post dude , get a laugh on it…..!
HB, I like ur hair side ways!! Nice..
Agent HB Sixthseal,
I hope you card all these people to see they are clear. Make sure they are who they are. Not double agents also.
What you see in front of you may not be what in front of you. Be one step ahead in the game.
Over and out.
HB,
Master of disguises may not disguise himself as Doris or Zoe you might get caught for it. By the real Doris and Zoe. But if you turn more pretty than them, they will still get you for it.
This is lame: “what do you call a pocket knife knife with one blade and 5 cork screws? A french army knife! Just kidding, ( before I get stabbed in my sleep, by a legonaire). Libertie, eaglitie, fraternite, n’est pas). Happy 2009, HB.
I am sorry for that last comment, HB, (truely sorry, for i got slaped on the back of the head while writting it). I did not mean to offend anyone, and that is surely the truth. Best wishes to all in 2009. I am glad you are here, and glad I am too.
Tom
Cheers all! I think this is one of my best writing in ages too, thanks to the free hand given. Anyway, I gotta go out now, appointment – will reply all comments when I get back. Have a great weekend all!
lawl
Fuck me…Is your long lost twin-brother is the Virginia Tech shooter? You guys look alike holding gun
aguante el chinooo!”
te pagan por hacerle propaganda a los desodorantes o que??
nn: Hello! I just used bing translate and to answer your question, no I am not an assassin. π
I used to love reading your blog, but lately it’s been a little boring. I’ll still read it though =)
Oooh, you’re such an inspiration. I love this blog!
I don’t always agree with your posts, but this was dead on, way to go!
Hey, I haven’t checked in here for a while, but I will put you on my bloglist so I don’t forget to check back.
Hmm. I am not so sure about that…
Oooh, you’re such an inspiration. I love this blog!
I don’t always agree with your posts, but this was dead on, way to go!