Eat clen, tren hard and accept no subs

I haven’t updated my blog in a long time and I want to start off the cycle by writing about something I’ve always felt the need to hide. I’m not even sure why besides a vague sense of it being right, and I’ll explain that the best I can now. I have had problems with substance abuse in the past and I’ve let my misadventures with methamphetamine, heroin and other fun and interesting chemicals define me. I’m the guy who was all for “better living through chemistry” and I wasn’t afraid to say it out loud to everyone who wanted to hear (and the ones who didn’t as well).

However, as I have grown older, I found myself looking askance at people like that. Admittedly there aren’t many people like me, and even less who has built up such an impressive chemical resume as I have. But the ones who have told me straight out that they’re users, I find that I tend to judge them a little. Even though I used to in the past? Especially coz I used to. I knew what kind of deviant I was and I’ll have no part of that. Now that I’ve quit for so many years, I find myself wanting to dissociate myself with other drug users.

My point is, most people have something against substance users, no matter if it’s recreational or a dependency. It speaks volumes about your character that you’re not willing to make your personal life private and maybe that’s why I stopped divulging so much. It doesn’t matter if you pop MDMA once a year or you’re shooting up smack every morning and lunch in the toilet. People don’t need to know.

There is an odd comfort in being truthful though, as long as you’re not shoving your personal politics down people’s throats. I’ve stopped using all illegal drugs for many years. However, a lot of my legacy is still there. I’m still on buprenorphine (Suboxone) and benzodiazepines.


I’ll talk about Suboxone first. It’s a very, very expensive and legal opiate substitute that the government has been pushing for several years. Government? So it’s free then, you say? No, it’s not. It costs RM 40 per 8 mg tablet and I take 2 per day. I used to run up RM 80 daily, RM 2,480 per month, RM 29,200 annually. RM 30,000! 30 fucking k per year! It was ludicrous.

I got on Suboxone as a legal way to get off OxyContin in 2012. I had a HUGE oxycodone problem. I was a monster. I would take 280 mg per day. That’s 14 tablets (one blister pack) of 20 mg OxyContin. It was, strangely enough, about the same price as Suboxone and offers a much superior high. However, it wasn’t legal, since I obtained them via doctor shopping, and that’s why I ultimately chose to switch over to the government Suboxone program. It was expensive but it was legal and I could travel all over the world with my prescription (except Singapore, who considers buprenorphine a Class A drug).

I was happily on Suboxone for several years before I realized I was hooked on it. Yes, that’s how buprenorphine works, it has a STRONGER binding affinity to your opiate receptors, that’s why you don’t crave other opiates like oxycodone. It’s not very pleasurable, but it’s good enough to prevent you from seeking other MORE pleasurable opiates like heroin. The buzz is acceptable, and it staves off withdrawals. Many Suboxone users already know this but I bet the general public doesn’t. Suboxone works by making you dependent on it. That’s why you don’t get withdrawals, it’s coz you’re still on opiates. In other words, you become addicted to Suboxone.

Quitting was hard. It was harder than OxyContin due to the longer half life of Suboxone. I tried once with the help of my better half and I’m not ashamed to say that I tapped out after 4 or 5 days, just when the withdrawals hit me really hard. I’m not embarrassed coz with my life experience now, I know that you’ll know when the time is right to quit. It’s when you want to, above all else, without any other reason, no pressure, no one to nag you, no guilt. You quit coz you want to be rid of it. That’s when you succeed.

I tried cutting down and I got down to 1 x 8 mg Suboxone tablet per day. After a few weeks, I cut it down to 1/2 then 1/4. It’s hard to get rid of that final bit, the “boost” you need each morning and which comforts you, but when you cut it out of your life, it’s a lot better. I wonder why I didn’t do it sooner but I know the answer to that. It was coz I wasn’t ready to.

The same thing with benzodiazepines. This is the most insidious drug I’ve ever taken. Not worse than meth, methamphetamine is the worst thing I’ve ever taken, all in all. But I personally think benzodiazepines are more insidious than opiates. You know why? There is no honest “value proposal”. I took benzos for fun at first, then to help with the come downs from meth, then I obviously got addicted to them. The one time I tried to quit was cold turkey, in drug rehab, coz the sick sons of bitches at the center didn’t know anything about benzodiazepines or how dangerous it is to quit cold turkey.

I seized in the jail cell while my ankles were shackled and my hands were handcuffed. I cried, I had multiple seizures, I thought I was going to die, and I wept again. It was a fucking nightmare, going from 10 mg clonazepam (Rivotril), 2 mg alprazolam (Xanax) and 20 mg diazepam (Valium) in a day to complete zero, cold turkey, back in 2007. I’m not sure if I can do it a second time. That’s what I thought for the next few years anyway, since I started taking them again after rehab.

However, and I’m really not sure what the catalyst is, I somehow decided to take less and less starting from last year. I was on 2 mg clonazepam (Rivotril) daily for many years and then I decided to start taking 1/2 of the tablet. Thus, I was on 1 mg. It felt better, and my head was clearer and I was feeling a lot more emotions and I thought that was good. It was. I cut again to 0.5 mg of clonazepam (which is 1/4 of the tablet).

One day, my doctor said he ran out of clonazepam and it’ll take 2 weeks to get the new stock so he gave me diazepam (Valium) instead. It was a 10 mg pill which is about equivalent to 0.5 mg of clonazepam (don’t look at the mg, trust me when I say these two doses are “similar” – think of clonazepam as being 20 times stronger than diazepam) but it wasn’t. I felt significant amount of anxiety and had mild panic attacks but I liked the clarity. Clonazepam has stronger anti-anxiety effects but it’s not as hypnotic as diazepam. I felt sleepier and I hated it coz it felt like I was “going back” on my progress.

I didn’t want to let myself acclimatize so I cut it again by 1/2 to 5 mg. I cut it again the week after to 1/4 of that and within a week I titrated the dose to 1/8, 1/10 and 1/12. Then I switched to 5 mg Valium (diazepam) – it’s half the amount of my previous 10 mg tablet so it’s easier to split for a smaller dose. The doctor didn’t have 2 mg ones. I then started splitting the 5 mg pill to 1/20 until I had to pinch just a bit. It was effectively nothing coz it was about 1/30 of a 5 mg pill – or 0.16 mg daily. Most people take 5-10 mg and I managed to cut it down to zero with my own super fast taper plan. I was essentially clean. The last bit to get rid off was more psychological than anything.

It wasn’t pretty but it wasn’t as bad as when I kicked it cold turkey in rehab. I kinda like the new clarity. It gives me purpose. It also made me feel bad about the time I’ve spent “under the influence” (kinda). Now, this is not medical advice, everyone is different and you should never cold turkey quit benzodiazepines coz you might die of a seizure.

However, I have grown to belief that it’s more like US FDA precaution. I’ve done plenty of things which should have killed me. I’ve taken things which I KNOW as a fact that’s over the LD50 (lethal for 50% of the population – everyone is different) many, many, God so many times and I’m still alive. There’s nothing wrong with being on benzos, some people need it for anxiety.

I just didn’t want it anymore. It was a personal decision.

This is probably the last thing I’m going to write about drugs. I’ve said I was off all illegal drugs. Well, now I’m off it all – legal and prescription included. I don’t want it to define me anymore. I just want to write an appendix for the blog. This is it.

What is wrong with this picture?

stone age sunflower kernels

This is a container of Stone Age sunflower kernel chocolate candies. It’s a product of Korea.

stone age candies

Here’s what the multi-colored chocolate coated sunflower kernels looks like.

Q: What’s wrong with this picture?
A: Product may contain traces of nuts. πŸ˜‰

Note: Ionamin 30 (30 mg phentermine resin capsules) should never
under any circumstances be ingested…unless you have nothing else.
*sigh* It’s dirty as fuck, and you’ll regret it very much. It takes a
very desperate tweaker (the kind that looks around the floor for any
dropped bits of crystal meth when the stash is finished) to resort to
the appallingly inferior phentermine and you will feel very ashamed of
yourself afterwards. It’s also very hard on the cardiovascular system,
since you’ll have to take high doses to get slightly stimulated (if you
have tolerance, personally I have to grind up 8 capsules (240 mg – this
is not a dosage guide!)) and that barely gives me the wanted effects
and each booster dose drives you closer to Paranoia, Population
378,378. It’s even worse than methamphetamine in that sense, and it’s
very likely that you’ll start thinking that the ink stain on your hand
is a nasty insect (visuals starts early with this one) and jump while
trying to brush it off frantically.

Currently thinking: “Why, oh why, did I finish the weekend’s ration of crystal meth so quickly?”

Also thinking: “What are the fucking chances of two contacts
being arrested a week apart? God? Can you hear me? I’m running out of
contacts for crystal meth! Please send down half a gram using your much
lauded Devine Lightning Logistics (DLL) Private Limited (TM) delivery
system. God? You there? Have thou forsaken me? Your only Son!”

/me dodges the wrathful smiting hand of God.

God: That’s enough blasphemy for one day. Don’t make me come down there and rip you a new one, asshole! Oh, and it was my
divine work *preens* that’s striking the fear of God (that’s yours
truly) into the hearts of dealers in Kuching by the insistent string of
arrests. Your new contact is also in jail. Should you attempt to source
another one tonight, it is my Divine Will that you will be next to join
them. Just eat those damned Ionamin capsules, they are part of my
divine creation too, ignorant mortal, and I’m rather proud of them, so
you should be too. Be content with what you have! Bo hu, he mah eh sai,
right? Go to church tomorrow, and repent for your sins and I’ll take
your request into my divine consideration. Go forth, and I will make
you fishers of meth! Oops…I mean, fishers of men. My bad.

Disclaimer: Obviously the conversation with God did not take
place (it’s called embellishment), thus by inference and extrapolation,
everything else in this post is fictional too. Ignore the logical
fallacy in the previous statement. I, upstanding citizen of Malaysia,
has never touched methamphetamine in my life. I also do not possess any
other illicit drugs or controlled substances without a valid
prescription. The image above is Photoshopped.

It doesn’t look Photoshopped and you don’t have the skillz to do that kind of thing anyway!

Okay, so it’s not Photoshopped, but I have a valid prescription for Ionamin. It’s for…er, my obesity.

You’re not even fat!!!

Well, there you go. The wonders of modern medicine.

Pentazocine experience and thoughts

Fortwin tablets (scanned) containing 25 mg pentazocine HCl each.

Guest writer veritas [] reporting for duty. I’m back as promised. πŸ™‚

These are Fortwin tablets, made by Ranbaxy Pharmaceuticals in India.
Unlike most pentazocine tablet formulations, Fortwin tablets do not
have Naloxone (an opiate antagonist, basically nullifies the “good”
effects of opiates). Technically, this makes it more euphoric and also
makes the tablets injectable. Fortwin tabs is the only formulation that
contains the lactate injectable form of pentazocine and is much sought after.
The Malaysian list of approved pharmaceuticals does not include pentazocine
only tablets (it only has pentazocine for injections in vials) so I was puzzled at
how my pharmacist managed to get a hold of these.

Anyway, he told me that these were supposed to be cleared out ages
ago, but the expiry date was still valid (expires next year) and he
only had 8 tablets of 25 mg pentazocine hydrocloride each, so he just
left it in the stock room. These are from India, the tablets have
“FORTWIN” imprinted on the front and “RANBAXY” on the back. There is a
single score running down the back of the tablets and they appear to be
off-white, with blue specks.

Well, since he only has 8 of them left, he sold it to me for RM 0.80
each, instead of the list price of RM 1.50. I just happened to stumble
across these while looking around my friend’s stock room for
recreational offerings from The Wonderful World of Pharmaceuticals.
I’ve heard of pentazocine before as one of the lesser known opiate
agonists (or opioids to be more accurate) and I’ve read of DXM type
disassociative effects dominating the opiate type effects at higher
doses. An aside for new readers, I have a friend who owns a pharmacy,
so I do not need prescriptions for prescription drugs.

Fortwin by Ranbaxy tablets photo.

Anyway, since the 8 tablets total only 200 mg, I could not
experiement with the 300 mg and 400 mg doses quoted as necessary for
producing DXM type reactions, so my experience was with pentazocine as
an opiate agonist. I took 200 mg on an empty stomach and potentiated it
(as I assumed all opiates can be potentiated) with benzodiazepines – 3
mg alprazolam and 20 mg diazepam. I am sufficiently experienced with
benzodiazepines (very sadly so) so I could differentiate the effects. I
wrote this:

it’s like codeine but qualitatively “dreamier”, more “smacky”,
and stronger than an equal dose, i’ll say comparable to 350 – 400 mg
stuck to bed
late histamine release – 3 h?
“heavy” feeling more than codeine
it makes a buzzing sound when on and no buzzing sound when off

Well, many hours later (after the opiate effects were tapering off)
I found it very hard to go to sleep. I took some more benzos (50 mg
diazepam) but sleep was unattainable even after 3 hours. I had rather
strange “thought loops” and very minor “flanging” as I lay there with
my eyes closed…almost like a 3rd plateau DXM trip, although obviously
with much, much less intensity. Whether this is possible with just 200
mg of pentazocine or not is questionable, and I could not obtain any
more pentazocine only (without naloxone) tablets to repeat the
experiement, so take the DXM part as just an aside.

Anyway, I did not know the exact time I fell asleep, but it was
about T+ 10 or more. Oh, and by the way, I’m benzodiazepine tolerant so
the diazepam wouldn’t have helped much. Well, Fortwin (pentazocine
hydrocloride) tablets seems to be a fun compound – I mean the Ranbaxy
manufactured ones without any nasty opiate antagonists. It’s a little
different from codeine and dihydrocodeine, pentazocine has its own
strange character, but it’s not comparable with the higher end opiates
like oxycodone or heroin if you’re wondering.

I do not know the LD50 values for pentazocine, but 200 mg (verified)
doses does not kill if that helps. πŸ˜‰ It’s funny, this pentazocine –
it’s classified as a benzomorphan (what an interesting name) or
benzazocine. The US formulation of Talwin contains naloxone if I’m not
mistaken, but if you find this Ranbaxy Fortwin tablets, give them a
test drive*, it’s certainly something different and interesting. πŸ™‚ I
would love to hear if anyone has experience with 300-400 mg doses and
noticed effects consistant with dextromethorphan.

*This only applies to existing recreational drug users who are
willing to experiment. does not promote drug use –
illicit or otherwise and does not condone such activities to people who
are not already aquainted with or part of the diverted pharmaceuticals
or illicit substance use scene.

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