You can’t control what people think, you shouldn’t control what people say


Barrack Obama said that in one of his addressed to the UN where mentioned he has become used to people calling him appalling things every day. While I won’t dare to equate myself to him, it generally applies to everyone. I have an anecdote from my very first (and expensive) private rehab where I spent 28 days.

The psychologist told me before I left not to expect people playing kompangs (a Malay drum usually used for celebrations) to herald your new found sobriety. No one is going to believe you.

A lot of ex-addicts get snared by this apparent “lack of support” and relapse due to the mentality that “Well, if no one is going to believe me anyway, I might as well go right on doing drugs.

What has that got to to with anything?

It has got to do with everything.


I’ll like to thank all my readers for being supportive throughout my Project Listen campaigns. There’s a handful of naysayers (but that’s to be expected, and coming from the same IP, disregarded by me) but the point of that lesson is learning how to believe in yourself!

That is the true path to recovery.

That is the only way to become a better person.

You don’t rely on what others think or say for your self-confidence – that is the worst thing you can do. Just believe in yourself and want to be a better person.

…and that is my journey, from my darkest days of drug addiction, to facing the skeletons in my closet and my journey to become a better person.

Of course, it takes a long time (nay, a lifetime) to become a better person but I wanted to start anyway coz every journey begins with a single step. I have taken enough from the ones dearest to me. I have lived life to the fullest extent. Now it’s time to give it all back.


I could have just written about anything mundane, but I choose to write about the most difficult parts of my life and how I’m changing it. I firmly believe in the reach of Project Listen and I hope that the experiences I’ve been through could be of help in some way to someone.

Thank you again for sharing my videos, it was hard doing them, it was a decision that I made and I’m glad I did it.


One last note – if there’s any of you out there stuck in the depths of drug addiction, know you can set yourself free, but only if you choose to. If any of you are in a spot coz of unwanted pregnancies colliding with religious beliefs, know that there is light at the end of the tunnel.


Finally, cherish your family and those dearest to you for they are the ones who stay when everything else goes to shit.

Huai Bin

Kratom (ketum) experience report

kratom smartshop

This should probably go into but I feel like writing on my main blog. Kratom (known as ketum in Malaysia) is a leaf with psychoactive properties. I have been searching for it for quite some time – it’s sold in certain parts of Malaysia (especially in the rural cultivation community) in bags of homemade prepared liquid kratom.

Unfortunately, the Malaysian government decided to ban ketum a few years back and the only ones available are highly dubious and sans quality control. Kratom is illegal in Malaysia.

It is rather ironic that I have to travel all the way to Amsterdam to experience a psychoactive plant that is indigenous to MY OWN COUNTRY.

kratom extract

Kratom (ketum) is available in most smartshops in Amsterdam for about Euro 15. This is not your garden variety kratom – much like salvia divinorum, it has been enhanced – this is a 5x extract of kratom. This means that the liquid concentrate is 5x more potent than what is naturally available.

kratom drink

I have to be honest here…I’m rather disappointed with the kratom/ketum experience. I had expected too much of an opiate high due to its properties. I was told to take half a bottle by the smartshops but I ingested the entire bottle on an empty stomach. I was expecting something like DHC (dihydrocodiene) or at least plain old codeine. Kratom is not like that at all.

kratom amsterdam

I started feeling the effects at T +0:30 (30 minutes after dosing for those unfamiliar with the nomenclature of trip reports) – a general feeling of well being and (surprisingly) serotonin release. It doesn’t feel like traditional opiates (e.g. the nodding off, itchiness and other miscellaneous properties) but more like certain opioid analogues.

It should be noted that the effects of kratom is VERY MILD. I shouldn’t have written that in caps (and bolded it to boot, FML) lest people get the wrong impression and think that it’s strong. It’s not. Go in without expectations, consume with an open mind and let the ketum experience wash over you.

…just don’t expect too much.

ketum extract

I can describe the feeling further to those who are familiar with recreational pharmaceuticals. It feels like 200 mg of tramadol. Tramadol is another substance in the happy opiate family but it produces none of the classic recreational opiate subjective feelings. It’s a bit of a stimulant combined with a general sense of well being.

…and that is essentially what kratom (ketum) gives you. It releases serotonin (which won’t go down well with fundamentalist opiate users) and gives you a happy sense of well being for about 4 hours. You’ll feel a significant bit of nausea while coming up and crashing but it’s nothing a bit of cannabis won’t fix.

ketum drink

I truthfully am more than a little disappointed with the kratom experience. What irks me the most is that I had to travel thousands of miles to consume a psychoactive plant that is native to my country. -_-

Additional info site:
The problem with getting used to taking opiates is that you will eventually experience opiate withdrawal symptoms once you stop abruptly.

Amsterdam delights

cannabis euro 5

Euro 5

magic mushrooms euro 15

Euro 15

sex euro 50

Euro 50

This is a reproduction of one of my favorite t-shirts in Amsterdam. I’m a huge fan of statement tees. It’s quite catchy except for some minor errors since it was printed. Euro 5 would only get you one of the more common strains of cannabis – Thai Skunk goes for Euro 3 while the perennial favorite (pictured above), the indica based White Widow goes for Euro 8 per gram. Popular strains and winners from the Cannabis Cup like the Cheese sativa strains will set you back upwards of Euro 10.

It should be noted that even the most basic strains in Amsterdam is MUCH stronger than the stuff you’ll probably get anywhere else. smirk

Magic mushrooms has been illegal for quite a while but smartshops get around it by selling magic truffles instead. It’s basically the same thing, with psilocybin and psilocin being the active compounds, but a legal loophole leaves commerce…unmolested.

Mushrooms are illegal but spores (for growing) and truffles (the underground bits of the mushroom for eating) is legal. It’s not Euro 15 anymore, but close enough for government work – the “stronger” fungi can cost up to Euro 20 per 15 gram dose box.

That’s it for Friday updates from! Have a good weekend. <3

Snail mail from Nicole Tan

nicole mail

I just came back from a really enlightening conversation about life and relationships in general to a dark house and picked up two pieces of mail – one was for my car insurance premium for RM 1,704.60 (=_=!!!) which I have to pay before next month and the other was a padded largish envelope.

star metro

The writing at the back says “Sorry it took so long, but here you are”. It’s the autographed copy of The Star from two months back with a feature of me by Nicole on

star leaf

I have read the article in the online version of The Star and was surprised at the more positive key in the actual paper.


The front page Saturday Metro text has Drug blogger turns over a new leaf” which is a much better angle than the “Former drug blogger comes clean about his past” headline that the online version features.

star metro kissed

I asked Nicole for an autographed copy of the paper and she finally got around to sending it to me. ;) The article is an interview about and my experience as a drug blogger in the past and how I’ve turned my life around.

nicole auto

Nicole wrote “To Huai Bin, Hope you continue to thrive in life, be happy in whatever you do” on the top of the article…


…and autographed the bottom with “You’ve been Nicolekiss-ed!!” :)

Thanks for sending me the papers Nicole, much appreciated! I like the article in the off-line version, it’s much more positive.

Harian Metro

Well, at least it can’t get any worse than this. ;)

The Balcony Incident

balcony club

I lost my Sony Ericsson W580i cell phone AND my Sony T2 digital camera on Saturday night at Balcony, Miri. Balcony is a club that opens till late and is very popular with the Mirians. I arrived in Miri at around 8 pm and met up with Kim and Mark at Shiki – the Japanese restaurant for dinner.

island club

We went to Island Club (a pub) after that for drinks and Darren joined us there. I took a total of 111 photos that Saturday but didn’t have time to upload them to my notebook due to excessive social commitments. I had to meet up with some other friends straight after that at Balcony so I went there after Island Club.

ketamine note

SWIM was given a complimentary RM 1 dollar note, folded in a rather peculiar manner as a gift. I was a little taken aback by the RM 1 folded note offering – it’s not everyday someone gives you an RM 1 dollar note. I took the keta…er, I mean currency and opened it up.


The content inside the folded RM 1 note was rather unusual – it consisted of a white powder, which I assumed was sugar. *cough* This photo was taken the next day – I lost my digital camera that very day so it couldn’t have been from the original batch. The original gift had MUCH MORE powdered sugar than from this batch.

balcony urinal

I went to take photos and videos of the Balcony club and decided that a sugar rush would do me some good since I was pretty tired from the drive. I locked myself inside the toilet and partook in the saccharine particles. Perhaps I was a little bit too drunk and I accidentally insufflated (snorted) the entire contents of the sugar inside the toilet instead of consuming it for the sugar energy.

balcony toilet

This was a mistake since I don’t think the stuff was sugar at all. ;) I immediately felt the characteristics of a certain NMDA antagonist come over me the moment the entire batch was snorted. I looked up into the ceiling and saw several layers of ceilings (?) and felt my entire perspective altered. I was looking at the RM 50 dollar rolled up bill that I used to insufflate the powder and thought…Oh, fuck!

balcony stairs

I wanted to call my friend (who were all looking for me – apparently I was inside for the better part of an hour) but I couldn’t manage to move so I was kinda stuck inside the toilet coz I was so fucked up I didn’t even know where I was. I was told the next day that the staff of Balcony unlocked the toilet door and helped me to my feet (and I couldn’t even walk straight even with two people holding me up).

balcony blur

The two staff members went from table to table to ask which group I was with. I think I sat down with an unknown group of people and talked to them (at least to the extent to which you can talk on that particular NMDA antagonist) before my worried friends found me. They took me home and I realized I lost my cell phone AND my digicam. One of my friends went back to search for it but it wasn’t there anymore – I don’t know where I left it.

kj faye

Much thanks to KJ and Faye for taking care of me that night! I lost RM 700 from my wallet and my Public Bank credit card and Faye canceled my cell phone service and credit card that very night in case someone stole it and used it.


I went to the Sony center at Boulevard to get a new digital camera the very next day since I really needed one for blogging. Faye gave me her spare cell phone and her backup SIM card so I still could use a phone. I was meeting up with Kim the next day for lunch so I really needed to replace all the photos that were taken that day. I was undecided about whether to get a Sony T70 or T300 but settled for the former since I seem to have a penchant for losing things when I’m less than sober.

sony shop

It cost me RM 1178 for the T70 plus a 2 GB MS Pro Duo memory card and a Sony leather case. The T300 would have set me back RM 1599 which is not a lot more considering it has a 3.5 inch LCD (versus 3 inch for the T70) and it’s a 10.1 MP digicam (versus the 8.1 T70) but the decision to go for the T70 (besides me always losing things) is that that the 3.5 inch LCD on the T300 makes it hard to put it inside my pants pocket and I want a compact digicam for me to bring around.

sony t70

The worst thing about The Balcony Incident wasn’t the loss of the money, credit card, cell phone or digital camera. It’s the 111 photos INSIDE the digicam that I took earlier during the road trip and in Miri. That cannot be replaced while the others can. Oh well, at least I’ve learnt a lesson – reduce my sugar intake. I’m switching to Pal Sweet. There’s a lot less calories in the latter to boot. ;)

This is your kidneys on drugs

kidney damage

I was admitted to ICU courtesy of a methamphetamine overdose which
made my creatinine levels skyrocket. There is some permanent damage to
my kidneys from my decade of drug use and my doctor says that the
damage is no joke.


I had to do a dialysis with tubes sticking out of my neck while I
was in there and had a catheter stuck inside me (a very unpleasant
sensation – trust me) and I was discharged in a week’s time. The latest
blood sample showed that my kidneys are basically alright but now my
liver is starting to fail…

…which my doctor says is no joke either.

I guess this is my cue to quit drugs. *shrugs*

It’s for you AL. :)

Methamphetamine booster shots

Disclaimer: This is a really old post from 1906.
The effects described within have long since passed. It also
coincidentally the events that led to the ICU trip. ;)

meth iv

I decided to experiment (in 1906) with ideal dosages for booster
shots on re-dosing on IV methamphetamine. I have found that 10 cc is
the ideal booster shot (for me) taken every 5 minutes to maintain
(close to) the original rush.

meth iv filled

I fill the syringe with 40cc – 60 cc of methamphetamine for the
initial shot. I use just enough water to dissolve it for my first
injection of methamphetamine to get the dizzying rush of dopamine and
norephedrine synapses firing in the brain and re-dose with just 10 cc
of meth after the initial dose.

meth iv inject

I am aware that smoking methamphetamine produces a quicker onset,
but nothing beats the exhilarating rush of injecting that just plain
knocks you flat on your ass, nearly throwing up, trying to stand up and
falling down again on really pure methamphetamine crystals. It’s the
closest thing to heaven.

I just like filling the Terumo syringe with methamphetamine and
drawing some water up before using the cold shake method to dissolve
the crystals and then boost the meth. It’s quite an experience,
something I’ll always remember.

…even 100 years later. ;)

Important announcement from does NOT condone the use of drugs and is merely a journal documenting the past allerged use of substances. was NEVER meant to “challenge the authorities” and it
is merely a personal weblog which has some information which a lot of
other sites already has, even specializes in.

Much as I would like to, I am unable to delete the previous posts,
since it already has been archived by the Internet (Google Cache,
Wayback Machine) WILL NOT post about drugs and pharmaceuticals again, as I’ve promised earlier this week.

I urge the authorities to look at the site as a whole and not just
it’s negative aspects. It is far outnumbered by other posts involving
tourism, food, and raising awareness about HIV.

I apologize for any misunderstanding about the intentions of this blog.

Calendar cannabis – Marijuana for every day of the year!

calendar cannabis

I picked up my regular supply of cannabis last night and it came in
the most interesting wrapper I’ve seen to date (and I’ve seen a lot) –
it’s a page detailing the date from a tear-off Chinese style calendar.
These are the calendars that come in a thick Yellow Pages type book
(except it’s smaller) and each page gets torn off to reveal the new
day. It creates a lot of waste paper and it’s been falling out of vogue
in recent years but you can still find them around.

calendar cannabis paper

The cannabis came in a plastic baggie inside the Chinese paper
calendar wrap – it’s been uncompressed from the usual compressed weed
that we get here in Malaysia and it’s supposed to be 10 grams
worth of the stuff, although my contact warned me that it might be a
bit of the light side and offered to reduce the price to RM 90 per 10
grams instead of the usual RM 120 for 10 grams in brick (compressed
cube) form.

calendar cannabis compare

This is a size comparison to give perspective to the dimensions of
the baggie of cannabis, pictured here next to a regular box of
cigarettes. It’s been “uncompressed”, mind, so there’s perceived bulk
at the expense of actual weight. I’ve seen smaller packages that’s been
highly compressed and yet weighs in more that this but I’m getting my
cannabis from another contact now, and I like the guy, so I don’t
really mind (coz he delivers, that’s the key ;)).

calendar cannabis macro

Here’s a closer look at the cannabis that’s commonly available in
Malaysia – I won’t pretend to know what strain this is, but it’s what
we get over here. Granted, we’re not a city in Amsterdam and we don’t
have a large community of hobby horticulturists due to the legalities
involved (horticulturists gets hanged over here) so we don’t have much
in the way of choice. It’s the cannabis that is commonly available over
here, and as any stoner will tell you (discounting cannabis
connoisseurs) – any weed is better than no weed. ;)

Ketamine experience report and video

ketamine 2g baggie

Ketamine is a drug that I’ve used on numerous
occasions but never have really written a trip report about since I
consider it a “regular use” drug. However, I do have various trip
reports (personal) and videos shot while I was snorting or injecting
ketamine and I decided it was high time (no pun intended) to put up the
latest one. ;)

I have obtained 2 grams of ketamine crystals earlier this week and decided to go for an introspective k-hole trip
by insufflating the entire packet of ketamine (which cost me RM 450 – k
is not cheap over here). This is the best batch of ketamine (in powder
form) I’ve ever had the pleasure of sampling, though I’ve had access to
liquid pharmaceutical ketamine for IM injections before.

ketamine crystals

The majority of ketamine users insufflate (snort) the crystals
instead of using a syringe to IM the liquid form of ketamine and
despite certain preconceptions, it IS possible to k-hole by
insufflating ketamine crystals of suitable purity if it’s done in
excessive amounts over a very short period of time (Extreme Ketamine

It is not as intense as the K-hole achieved through IM injections
but it is comparable (and it’s all too easy to give yourself a line
dose while injecting ketamine as I once did, which rendered me
effectively anesthetized). The ketamine I obtained this week was
sourced from JB and the purity of the ketamine crystals are one of the
best I’ve seen in Malaysia (and even Australia, to be honest).


Download: Video of me snorting ketamine []

My cell phone went off while I was insufflating ketamine with a RM
50 dollar bill, and I muttered something about it being the perfect
time to call. ;)

The ketamine experience:

The ketamine experience can be summed up in one word – confusing. I
personally like to call it konfusing as in “k is konfusing” but it’s a
great experience. Ketamine is an NMDA antagonist, which makes it different from other drugs. PCP (Angel’s Dust) and DXM are two other drugs that belong to this exclusive group of NMDA antagonists.

NMDA antagonists are similar to psychedelic drugs (e.g. LSD, magic
mushrooms) in a sense, though purists would argue with this.
Practically, these are REAL mind-altering drugs with hallucinogenic
potential unlike methamphetamine or heroin which just changes the state
of mind e.g. accelerated thought processes in the former and
comfortable dopamine release in the latter.

It’s more similar to what a non drug user would think “drugs” are – ketamine and the likes are mind-altering drugs instead of mind-state change drugs.
Ketamine, like all NMDA antagonists has “plateaus” which gives
different experiences according to the dosage – a low dosage would give
CNS inebriating effects while a large dose will give full blown
hallucinations and profound out of body experiences.

ketamine snort

The amount of ketamine I snorted (2 grams of relatively pure
ketamine crystals) was sufficient to bring me into a k-hole, a term
ketamine users use to describe an intense trip characteristic of
ketamine. It’s an amazing mind altering experience where sense of time,
temporal space, and all other “reality grips” are TOTALLY lost.

Ketamine Trip Report:

One recurring “trip theme” I have when I take large doses on ketamine is existentialism or more accurately, human consciousness.
I insufflated about 2 grams of ketamine and I found myself in a
profoundly altered state – everything slows down and familiar shapes
become unfamiliar. I could not talk or move much – I tried standing up,
and promptly sat down again.

The thought processes goes into a completely unfamiliar loop which
can be frightening for first time ketamine users (or those who haven’t
experienced a k-hole). The vision starts to become tunnel-like, walls
and other textures flows and occasionally RGB colors gets infused into
the wall. Closed eye hallucinations are extremely strong and hard to
ignore, as is open eye hallucinations at this point.

I felt like a long, long time has past and I started thinking about
the meaning of life, and one recurring theme is that someone (a divine
being) starts to reveal the secrets of the universe to me – that
“reality”, as we know it, DOES NOT EXIST and even I
(as a person, and my consciousness) does not exist and ketamine is the
substance that “broke me free” from the illusion of “reality” (or life)
as we know it.

I start to see the world as it really was – that we’re just an
insignificant part of a larger life form (divine being?) e.g. I am just
one of the stomach elements in a large being and my job is just to push
the food as it comes through to the next “person” (which is the next
stomach segment) and that’s all I do (reflecting the world’s monotonous
work life).

I can aspire to “break free” of my current “existence” while I’m
tripping on ketamine (always in the same ketamine trip theme) by sheer
force of will. I can go through a scary, hair-raising “transformation”
into one of the Superior Beings (where existence as we know it is only a part of their bodily function) and become a deity, a God, if you will.

The scariest part about this “transformation” (and I always opt to
do it) is that I will have to die in this life in order to make the
leap to become a Superior Being. I start thinking (vaguely) about my
life, my loved ones, and overcome the feelings of fear of death
(I would have no qualms taking my own life at this point, and I
frequently think about doing that if it can expedite my transformation
into the “real world” if I end my life in our current reality

…and there is always a repetitive ringing, reverberating sound as
I make my “transformation” to break free from “reality” as we know it
and I start to become one deity in a great chain of deities and my
transformation will continue for all eternity by aspiring to become a
Greater Deity (either by going through a scary out of body, death-like
extreme ketamine trip) or some other greater methods in that spiritual

There’s a vivid sense of “spiralling” into this new world and I do
not “exist” in this realm, as in I do NOT have a physical body, but my
consciousness is there, and everything that exists in this realm i.e.
“the real world” is just spritual beings and I am one of them and I can
communicate with the others, not through words, but some form of
telepathy. I have a “world” that’s mine, a space where only I exist and
I can see the other lower “worlds” (or realms) and even the higher ones.

I usually can just see the next higher realm above me in great
detail (the even higher realms after that are fuzzy) and that’s where I
will travel. I am able to occasionally “float up” from my current realm
and look from a God-like perspective into the other realms. I glimpse
through the “worlds” (it’s all in a long, long chain) and I see that
the “realm chain” is eternal – it’s infinate.

It’s a long way to go after “breaking free” in this world and
joining the enlightened spiritual realm and the neverending trip to
work my way up to become greater and greater deities and I am exposed
to great vistas and wonders that are never available in this world
though hallucinations (the hallucinations on ketamine are vivid, you
actually experience it in every sense – tactile, sound, sight) in each
transformation I go through in the process to reach Nirvana.

It’s a long journey, and it’s a scary one, but I do it every time.

…and then the trip ends. Ketamine lasts 1-2 hours in the intense
k-hole trip and then tapers off to sobriety at about the 4 hour point.

It’s a great drug. I love ketamine – every trip is always
enlightening. It’s very intense and can be scary during the k-hole, but
if you overcome your fear of death, it will be a great teacher to you.

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