I will survive

poor cat

…and now I’m saving all my loving for someone who’s loving me.
So now go, walk out the door
Just turn around now, you’re not welcome anymore.

Disclaimer: The person I am talking about in this post has never been
featured on sixthseal.com – long readers would know that I don’t post
about my serious relationships on the blog.

Well, it looks like my availability status has changed again. I just got out of a roller coaster relationship and I’m not sure how I’m feeling right now. I was smoking (tobacco, mind you, not cannabis) alone in contemplation just now and felt the need to write a long, self-pitying post – all the feelings of anger, betrayal, disappointment rolled into one huge pity party.

Well, here at sixthseal.com, we don’t have pity parties. It’s just not on. We don’t sell that shit over here. πŸ˜‰

I met this girl who seemed to be the perfect match for me (except for her availability status – don’t ask) about four months ago. I had just got out of rehab and realized that I have a weakness for girls like this – bad girls who’re friendly (sounds like an oxymoron, I know) and talkative. She’s Aries too, and that’s kinda like a double whammy coz I tend to gravitate towards Arians, being one myself.

I didn’t like her at first, to be honest. I just wanted to get into her pant(ie)s. I met her at a club and got her number but I promptly forgot about her until two days later. I called her up and we went out for drinks and ended up talking for four hours (shocking, I know).

We decided to meet each other for lunch the next day and I was totally put off by her. I won’t elaborate more lest people manage to identify the person I’m talking about. I just wasn’t interested anymore but due to loneliness (it’s kinda hard, being new in a company and having no one to have lunch with) I went out with her again, and again, and again.

…and you know what, she kinda grew on me. She had qualities that made her attractive and she made me feel comfortable in the relationship.

Anyway, we started hanging out exclusively and it was good for a while until I noticed…discrepancies, shall we say. There’s a lot of deceit in the relationship. I won’t elaborate but let’s just say that I’m not the only one she’s seeing. Every time we get into an argument (fire elements like Aries are not meant to be together) she runs off to her ex-boyfriend.

I won’t call him her ex-boyfriend per se…it’s more like an on and off thing and she seems to have a history of doing that shit all the time in her past relationships.

I’ll be the first to state publicly that I’m not into character assassination and I truly believe that she’s a nice person (honestly) if you don’t mind…er, sharing her, if you catch my drift. πŸ˜‰

Anyway, the thing that set things off today was a long standing issue between the both of us. I knew I couldn’t get a truly exclusive relationship with her, and I’m okay with that coz I’m not planning to marry her anyway. She’s fun to hang out with and she’s a good friend.

What I cannot stand is the deceit. It’s perfectly fine with me if she tells me she’ll be going to be seeing her ex (other?) boyfriend. It’s NOT okay if she lies about it. It’s the lying more than anything coz I sincerely believe that without trust in a relationship, there’s nothing.

Trust is the foundation that all relationships stand on.

Thus, I have decided to break up with her. Honestly, I thought I would be feeling down and everything, but I’m not. I thought I’ll be writing stuff like “Oh well, at least I have alprazolam to get me through this” or “I’ve successfully kicked a 7 year benzodiazepine habit and I’ll be fucked if I can’t kick a 4 month relationship” but I’m feeling perfectly fine.

It’s the official sixthseal.com policy to not have pity parties.

We just don’t do that shit around here. πŸ™‚

This is for you HH:

I hope life treats you kind…and I hope you have all you’ve dreamed of.
And I wish you joy, and happiness.
But above all this, I wish you…love.

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35 thoughts on “I will survive”

  1. HB,
    You’re just a rich kid who’s got an ass evidently not spanked enough.
    Any sane girl would be put off by you.
    [HB: You said the F word. The person I’m talking about is not her. Nevertheless your non-constructive criticism is very much appreciated. I will think about it during my daily bowel movement.]

  2. You posted my boobs on your blog!!!! EFFfff you.
    [HB: Banned. You’re the same person as effingyou and you used the F word twice. The word fuck is perfectly acceptable on sixthseal.com. The other F word isn’t.]

  3. Why so easy fall in love? You should try to enjoy the beauty of loneliness. Think positive, it actually means freedom.
    Don’t mess love & lust…

  4. hey, i can’t write “Faye” in my comments? Now let’s not be in denial.
    Are you denying you posted Faye’s boobies on your blog?
    Look, rich kid, you say you don’t write about serious relationships on your blog?
    So Faye, Cherie, and all of em “featured girlfriends” are just hos to please your junkie dick?
    What a man you are. πŸ™‚

  5. hey, i can’t write “Faye” in my comments? Now let’s not be in denial.
    Are you denying you posted Faye’s boobies on your blog?
    Look, rich kid, you say you don’t write about serious relationships on your blog?
    So Faye, Cherie, and all of em “featured girlfriends” are just hos to please your junkie dick?
    What a man you are. πŸ™‚

  6. Hi HB, glad to see you back online and back on track. πŸ™‚
    You don’t need me to tell you this, but don’t feed the trolls yea? I’m never more appreciative of MT’s “Ban IP” function during times like these. hehe.

  7. hugs.
    sorry i didn’t answer your call, left my phone on silent and was recuperating from an assignment.
    hope you’re ok, and just ignore all those idiots here in your comment box. you’ll be fine, i’m sure.
    and lol your description of her sounds familiar. guess all arians are similar ;P

  8. Hey HB!
    It’s great to see your strength and positive outlook. I’m impressed to read that you’ve overcome some of your old habits, not an easy feat, I know.
    I suppose it may have been a matter of ‘power’, feeling ‘in control’, or some other reason; regardless, you deserve better, so stay strong and don’t forget it! :]
    It’s great to have you back and your posts are always so entertaining to read. Always remember that you have the support of all your readers!

  9. Huai Bin πŸ™‚ I can relate. The feeling of betrayal with disappointment is a shitty feeling. Just when you think you found the right one they pull your heart out throw it on the floor and stump it to hell. Make sure she is committed next time. Just like DJ TiΓ«sto’s song “Love Comes Again” . It will come again, but that to easy for me to say right at this instance.

  10. Glad you’re managing to get through this hard time without benzos. Be strong.
    (A quick shout to liquidblackout, canadian brat,henry the thirst and intensecure! how’s it going guys?)

  11. Hai,Huai Bin.Are u still remember me?we meet yesterday.Actually i dont understand u,but i sure u have ur own mission in ur life,right?

  12. Just remember one thing that love bukan sebuah permainan….cinta satu orang bukan bermaksud memiliki semua apa yang dia ada dan bukan bermaksud u go out with any girl and treat she like ur wife…

  13. I’ve posted these lyrics long ago…; many “older” people thought it was shocking that I actually liked the song…but it’s something real and we can’t just look away! Face it, control it…..Learn to love yourself; it’s the greatest love of all…
    I have to block out thoughts of you so I don’t lose my head
    They crawl in like a cockroach leaving babies in my bed
    Dropping little reels of tape to remind me that I’m alone
    Playing movies in my head that make a porno feel like home
    There’s a burning in my pride, a nervous bleeding in my brain
    An ounce of peace is all I want for you. Will you never call again?
    And will you never say that you love me just to put it in my face?
    And will you never try to reach me?
    It is I that wanted space
    I’m sober now for 3 whole months it’s one accomplishment that you helped me with
    The one thing that always tore us apart is the one thing I won’t touch again
    In a sick way I want to thank you for holding my head up late at night
    While I was busy waging wars on myself, you were trying to stop the fight
    You never doubted my warped opinions on things like suicidal hate
    You made me compliment myself when it was way too hard to take
    So I’ll drive so fucking far away that I never cross your mind
    And do whatever it takes in your heart to leave me behind
    And with a sad heart I say bye to you and wave
    Kicking shadows on the street for every mistake that I had made
    And like a baby boy I never was a man
    Until I saw your blue eyes cry and I held your face in my hand
    And then I fell down yelling, β€œMake it go away!”
    Just make a smile come back and shine just like it used to be
    And then she whispered β€œHow can you do this to me?”
    Hate me today
    Hate me tomorrow
    Hate me for all the things I didn’t do for you
    Hate me in ways, yeah, ways hard to swallow
    Hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you

  14. *hug*
    Man and Woman relationship never easy, even on 6thseal.com, or especially?
    I watched Queer of Folk a lot lately, seem like man-man woman-woman relationship is equally complicated too.

  15. Dude, glad you handled it like a Man. Relationship is not really a complicated matter but it requires honesty and maturity of both parties to make it work. Don’t sweat it man.

  16. That was a well written post, without rancour, bitterness or hatred. If only everyone could be so rational and intelligent abut such things.
    May your next relationship prove to be a more fulfilling one πŸ™‚
    @JW – Thanks for asking about a few of us – speaking purely for myself, everything is AOK, I hope the same applies to you. Had some issues – see my blog, but in good health now. Cheers!

  17. As the famous chinese proverb goes β€œDon’t give up the whole forest because one small tree” or β€œthere’s too many fishes still in the sea”… I don’t think you’ll need a “get well” card for this, as u’re a MAN…not a WHIMP

  18. HB,
    Glad u’re back but don’t let this incident to set u off again. Life truly is like a rollercoaster so just get on with ur life and u will find a true love one day.
    Don’t worry there’s someone for all of us out there. Maybe this gal is not the right one. So nvm move on and meet a better gal rite?
    Hope ur back soon with blogging and don’t bother about all those crappy comments. U lead ur own life don’t let others lead it for u though they have their right to comment.

  19. welcome back!
    glad you are better now…hope you will be able to have the strength to persevere without the “help” of any illicit drugs…i followed your blog before you went into rehab and was wondering where you were all this while…anyway, love will come to you when you least expect it to!
    take care, ~hugs~

  20. Hi,JW and thanks for the shout.
    I’m still alive, I started drinking again, the boat is for sale and I’m a bit pissed off. Oh, and I had a mini-stroke.
    But thank you for asking.
    Glad to see HB back on the web.

  21. Hey JW! How’ve you been?! It’s great to read all the comments, especially the ones from familiar usernames πŸ˜‰
    I’ve been at school for the past 8 months and I’ll be locked in until the end of 2008, but I’ll be done my first and second years and I’ll get to take a break through the winter months πŸ™‚
    Thanks! Hope everyone is well!!


  23. Ahaha! Good to hear from you Intensecure, liquidblackout and Henry the Thirst! I’m ok. Found your blogs again πŸ™‚ Feels like when sixthseal.com went down I stopped coming online πŸ˜‰

  24. fred: Thanks, my friend.
    effingyou: I’m not rich and I remember that I was whipped plenty of times when I was a kid.
    …and if what you’re saying is true, there’s a hell of a lot of insane girls out there. πŸ˜‰
    Lee: I’m not into marathons…I prefer sprints. πŸ˜‰
    Haha! we’re making some great allusions here.
    By Lee on May 14, 2008 12:29 AM
    lovelyboobies: No, I didn’t. You’re definately not the owner of said boobies since I talked to the owner of said boobies just now and she’s okay with it. πŸ˜‰
    Type R: Thanks buddy.
    Wilson: I’m not a big fan of loneliness. I hate the feeling actually. I’m the kind of person that always needs a girlfriend to talk to and cuddle with. It’s not lust, rather a soulmate whom I can talk to.
    Of course, sex is good as well. πŸ™‚
    kennysia: Hey Kenny. It’s good to see you. Yeah, I love the Ban IP function as well. Works wonders for trolls. πŸ˜‰
    Irene: No probs, Iwene. I’m perfectly fine now and the trip is still on this weekend. I might drop by Kuching Saturday night too, see if I can squeeze that into my vacation.
    …and yes, all Arians are similar, as I’m sure you’ll know first hand. πŸ˜‰
    liquidblackout: Thanks! I have thought about doing a little opiates in my darker times, or at least some benzos to take the edge off things but I’m not going down that road again, that’s for sure! It’s definately a power struggle thing, this manipulativeness. It’s very unhealthy.
    I will stay strong and thank you for the support. It is very much appreciated! πŸ™‚
    Rufus: Indeed it will. πŸ™‚ I believe very much in rebound relationships to get me through a difficult period. I understand it’s not very fair for the other party, but oh well…
    JW: Thanks, buddy! I will be going on vacation this long weekend holiday to take my mind off things.
    Fa: Hello there! Yeah, I remember you. I don’t have a mission in life per se, but I believe in living it to the fullest. πŸ™‚
    I know that love isn’t a game too. Guys have feelings too. I end up getting hurt sometimes too.
    suituapui: Very nice, my friend. Modern tastes too. I believe in loving myself first as well. I didn’t use to think this way but now I think loving myself (not till narcissism but the more agape kind of love) is more important that I used to think. Cheers!
    fish fish: Thanks, fish fish. I remember a particularly difficult (and even suicidal) period after breaking up with a certain pharmacist from a certain medical center which must not be named too. πŸ™‚
    …but more importantly, I know I got over her.
    Time heals all wounds, as they say, and I’m a better person for it.
    Wuching: Haha! Touche, my friend. Very witty, laughed out loud when I saw that one. πŸ™‚
    Anak Pak Lah: Indeed it does…and what doesn’t kill me will
    only make me stronger.
    Grant S.: Thanks, my friend. I am trying to change into a better person, coz I KNOW I wasn’t exactly a saint when I was using. In fact, I was kinda self centered prick in the past when I was using heavily. I’m much for considerate and patient now. πŸ™‚
    anon: Come on now, please play nice.
    Myst3: I’m never EVER going to give up the entire forest. I’m too much of a player for that. =D
    Cheers mate!
    DeV|LisH: Yeah, we all have our ups and our downs. I just hope to find my soul mate one of these days.
    I’ll never stop blogging. The only reason I had a hiatus in 2007 was coz my ass was hauled off to rehab. Malaysian drug rehab centers don’t have a net connection. πŸ˜‰
    Thanks for the support, buddy!
    faye*-*: Same here. πŸ™‚
    Sharon: Hello there! I’m doing fine without drugs right now. It’s actually more character building to not be taking drugs to get through difficult times, as I’ve learnt.
    Thanks for your support, Sharon!
    henry the thirst: I’m sorry to hear about your mini-stroke…and about the wagon thing too. Hope all is well with you. Take care, my friend.
    suituapui: I don’t know. The IP address resolves to a Streamyx account in Penang. *shrugs*
    Fa: True. πŸ™‚
    JW: Thanks for coming back, my friend. πŸ™‚

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