Life in the fast lane

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I have been living life as if I expect to kick the bucket in 10 years. It’s not a subconscious thing either, it’s pretty obvious from the self-destructive tendencies manifested in my behavior and attitude. I drive recklessly, as if I want to get into an accident. I drink excessively and with abandon. I get into ludicrous situations and generally make a mess out of every good thing that I have left. I have fucked up relationships and pretty much destroy all that is good in my life.

…and I’ve been wondering why I do that. Suicide by hedonism?

I know my renal and liver function isn’t exactly at it’s optimal level (due to an unfortunate overdose resulting in an emergency dialysis done about two years back) but still the doctor reckons it’s all the years of substance and alcohol (a)buse that caused all that damage instead of a single isolated incident.

My friend recognized my self destructive tendencies despite knowing only a part of my life and asked me what made me this way. I couldn’t answer him – either I don’t know, or it’s so deep rooted that I don’t want to know.

He gave me a really good analogy though. It’s like I’m driving down a potential dead end 15 km down the road and since I know it, I’m banging up my car by knocking into the cliffs and roadsides and not caring who I run down in the process.

…but what if it’s not a dead end? What if I could navigate through but due to all the damage I’ve done to my car, I couldn’t anymore since the car is too banged up to make it though?

He has a point there. I shouldn’t be living my life as if there’s no tomorrow.

I shouldn’t be living from day to daze.

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33 thoughts on “Life in the fast lane”

  1. Dude,
    Lock on to something or someone that you really want in life and that will be you’re every reason to live a full life
    Everyone needs a reason to live bro. I had to rehabilitate myself because my reason was my kid and my kid needs her dad to be SOBER and ALIVE
    Peace out

  2. Yea dude,Set yourself some target or goals in life. Then you have every reason to go on! Good luck dude. I hope you’ll find all the reasons in the world to live on!

  3. everyone’s got skeletons in the closet.
    when i’m happy, people around me are too. when i ‘m down, they get affected.
    so hey, i love myself more because i know i’m loved by others too. and maybe I cannot stand to see my parents being hurt over and over again.
    i know, life is short, live life to the fullest and all that. but we’re not JUST AN INDIVIDUAL. we’re all part of a bigger system…. right?
    life’s tough, but we’ll pull thru.

  4. The past is the past. It’s over and done with. Whatever mistake that’s done, forgive and forget! So you can start like new. Yes, before you can set your life back on track, the one most important person that you need to forgive is YOURSELF. Accept that you are human and no matter how bad you’ve messed up your life in the past, the best thing is that you have the power to change all that. Your renal and liver functions may not be as good as before, but the rest of your faculties are working like they are supposed to be. Don’t give in to those thoughts that bring you down. Fight it and do your best and all you. Quit drinking. Quit smoking and do all you need to do. It may be hard but challenge yourself.
    You don’t even have to find the one thing or person, that you can turn into a reason to live a full life (as Richard Goh up there says), simply because you already have that reason. Because YOU are your reason. You are given an existence in the form of YOU, so cherish that gift and learn to love yourself. Or else you won’t really know how to love others. Take care.

  5. make babies not war.
    you can try to have more sex…with Autumn,Fall,Summer,Winter,Faye,Rosanna,Grace,Cherry,Banana…arhhh it doesn’t matter who the girl is.
    i thought the police found some drugs on you and charged you for it.Mandatory death sentence.I wonder how you managed to work your way out.
    how much $$$ did you spend on that case?
    man…not all people are as lucky as you.
    dont take your life as granted.

  6. If you want to die, nobody will stop you.
    But while you’re at it, maybe you should consider other ways to go.
    Driving recklessly on the road might end up with others paying with their lives instead because of your actions.
    I think your problem is you have not found out what is your real objective in life nor do you care. Material things and job probably comes easy for you, even after screwing up so many times. You have no fucking idea how many chances you’ve been given where others are denied and then you continue to waste them.
    Yes you do have some sort of mood/emotional issues.
    But that is no excuse to remain an immature brat.
    If you wanna go, go with some dignity. Go help out in war torn countries and at least if you get killed there at least it’s for a noble cause.

  7. Friend,
    hope u can read mandarin,
    some1 once told me this:
    終於有一天 你體認到

  8. Hb your life is good!
    You have so many friends who support you, you have a stable job, your health is ok, what I don’t get is you know this lifestyle is hurting you, why continue?
    Why not try and change your ways from now on?
    What I think your real problem is, you have no goals or ambition. Taking your analogy…take control of the hurtling car. Quit the smokes, limit your drinking. Stop the illicit chemicals.
    You got to realise one day that you’re the only person stopping yourself from reaching your fullest potential. You have all the pieces: the friends, the job, the girls, you’re the one that’s got to put the puzzle together.
    Try it. Instead of Project Miser month try Project New Life and come into next month with a completely new attitude.

  9. if u are gone,
    da globe will spinning as usual
    da world will move on as usual
    but your lived ones,
    how are they gonna live without u?
    before you do anything to hurt yourself,
    think of da people around u
    stay strong wei

  10. Thanks all, I’m feeling much better now, after much thought. I think this song by NOFX kinda sums up my life:
    Five Feet Under
    Five feet under, he’s got one foot in the grave
    Would you look at him I think he’s lost it
    I don’t think that he can be saved
    He’s got a down payment on his tombstone
    He’s not alone his whole life has been out on a limb.
    Just look at him, watch him get smashed…
    …and race bikes so fast just don’t laugh
    What will it say on his epitaph?
    Here he lies may he rest in peace
    Hung on to life by the skin of his teeth
    Pushing his luck through the bottle he drinks
    He’s got a date with his maker and he doesn’t want to be late.
    Anyway, I have been slacking from the HDS posts so I’m going to start on that now and reply the comments after I’m done. Cheers all! 🙂

  11. treasure ur life.. a fren of mine died in an accident a couple of weeks ago and she is only 27. everytime i thought how much her parents would be devastated, i felt so sad and aching for them.. somemore she is de only daughter and was suppose to go to japan for a scholarship study.. it was really sad ..
    if anything ever happens to u, it is going to affect the people around u badly.. life is too precious..
    it is never too late to start living ur life now..

  12. A friend of mine crashed his car last week and messed up his brain. Now he can’t form new long-term memories (like that movie Memento). Death isn’t the only unpleasant thing waiting at the end of that road.
    Everybody likes your crazy personality, HB. Just keep the insanity metaphorical so that we can all keep enjoying it, right?

  13. Some very good comments, some very good advice. Problem is, do u really give a damn? My only hope is when l die, l’d just drop dead and will not be a pain to others. U probably would rather drag on day by day, a vegetable getting all the attention u never got when younger and crave for!

  14. I am sad you think of life this way. This what happen a person get hook and after effort is another reason so many get up and down mood from it. I help out in health center in San Francisco in Haight and Ashbury knows still Hippy neighborhood. Worked at medical tech at St Mary also. Helping people is to see them not to throw away their life. I almost gave up due to tragic but kept living to help other and me a better person. Plese take of yourself you have so much to see and do in life.

  15. Dude, I know three other people suffering from Bipolar. Even under medication, one rode his motorcycle into on-coming freeway traffic, killing himeslf and hurting others. I hope you readers would understand there ain’t nothing much you can do when you brain lost all reasoning during the down swing.
    Try not to get too high on the upswing perhaps the down swing does not take you to rock bottom of emotional roller coaster.
    Good luck!

  16. This isn’t meant to be harsh, but I you cared about people other than yourself, and helping at least one person, you would have some reason to be a better person. The way you live, you give yourself nothing to live for.
    Care about people.

  17. Well, many years ago I was to see my guy back from Iraq after 4 years in the Marine. He went visiting his dad in Long Beach and to see me in San Francisco in a few days. He was to take a test at San Francisco State and attend college with me there. That night at dad party for him someone lean over fence and shot him and his friend and my guy died in his father arms saying “I OK Don’nt Worry” his last words. He was a Purple Heart Hero at 21 year old. We were to be married but now just a memory of him. SoK Lance Corporal of United State Marine.
    Please life not just for yourself but life is to live to help people around you too. Sok did for his country and died on home soil sadly by unknown killer still at large.

  18. I guess it’s not easy for others to understand ppl like us who are suffering from bipolar. I been thru phases likes yours, just that I didnt take drugs. I hv self-destructive tendency too, I still cant find out the reasons of life as well. When I am not suffering from depression or manic phase, I am just like an ordinary person who gets along very well with colleagues and friends. But when depression hits me, I was totally feeling so distress and helpless. I just wanna be alone in my own room. This is something that’s beyond my control. I told myself many times, I dont want to live my life this way, I cant be so negative and I want to be happy, but for us, it’s so easy to say and think this way, however, to hurt ourselves is not something we can control when we are depressed. Everyone may think this is just an excuse which we give to ourselves, but I can honestly say “NO”. Really…we too…hate to suffer from depression. Medication will just help us to certain extend. and the side effect is quite a something that it will somehow change patients personality. Depression unlike other diseases where doctors can use hi-tech machines to diagnose it and then treat it. Depression cant. It basically diagnosed by observation of patients’ behaviour. Hopefully everyone will have a slight better understanding about bipolar and depression. Not that we want to let go and forgo ourselves, really, we want to live normal too.
    Huai Bin, I was in and out hospital many many times in year 2007 where that’s really a bad year for me. I suffered from Renal & Liver failure too and was in a ‘touch n go’ situation. 🙂 I started to step back into corporate world in 2008 and of coz I will still suffer from dep once a while, averagely twice a month and usually will take me 3-4 days to clear the dark cloud. But I thank God that negative thoughts on my mind is not that strong compare to what happen in year 2007. Recently I bought a pug, and it does help a bit though.
    “Is not that we don’t want, just that we can’t”

  19. Huai Bin, forgot to share with you 1 advice from my psychiatrist. He once told me, “Whenever you have negative thoughts of suiciding, please think of another options in your pocket. Whenever you are depressed, write it on a paper, your feelings at that moment and what you think it causes you to feel that way and lastly ask yourself is it true what you have stated down?” It didn’t help much for me…haha…but I hope it can help you. Take care.

  20. Richard Goh: Thanks buddy, that’s very good advice indeed. I’ve seen that you’ve been though quite a lot and being a dad is something to be proud of. I want a family too, but have yet to find a girl to settle down with. My relationships are quite It’s Complicated (TM).
    debbie: I’m doing that now, after talking to a good friend about life in general. I have goals and targets now, both in work and relationships. Thanks for the support! 🙂
    essentric: Yeah, that’s true. I’ve noticed that as well, when I’m tense, people start walking on eggshells around me, when I’m happy, people tend to be more relaxed. Thus, I have learn to be more approachable.
    I agree that we’re part of a bigger system too and I don’t want to see my parents getting hurt again and again anymore too.
    Cheers for the support and all the best! 🙂
    Pixeldoll: Very well written, my friend. I should be more optimistic, and I generally am, it’s just that I have mood swings sometimes. I’m not ready to quit drinking and smoking yet but I have quit drugs and at least that’s something.
    I have a lot to learn about how to love and cherish others too. Thanks for bringing that up. 🙂
    Guru Pitka: Well, my sex life is pretty good by most definations. 😉
    I just want a stable, long term relationship right now.
    The police did find drugs on me, and I was charged for possession, not trafficking. Reduced charge.
    I worked my way out the Malaysia Boleh way, if you catch my drift. 😉
    Thanks, I know. I should appreciate the new lease on life more.
    KY: Thanks for the support, buddy!
    ShadowFox: You have a point there, mate. I have certain tendencies sometimes to be totally irresponsible and I need to change that. Cheers for bringing that up.
    cfy: I shall get someone to translate. Babelfish doesn’t do a good job. Thanks! 🙂
    Tom: I don’t know. It’s a psychological disorder thing, but I’ve got it managed nowadays. It’s not as bad as before, I had it really bad a couple of years ago.
    I have to work on the drinking and smoking bit but I’m not taking any more illicit substances. Honestly, I can take a urine test without breaking a sweat.
    Thanks for the motivational talk, I shall try to implement it.
    Wait…do or do not, there is no try.
    I will start implementing it. Cheers! 🙂
    Blue Curacao: True, true.
    annant: Thanks for the wake up call, my friend. That’s exactly what I was told that day, there’s people who loves me and needs me and I should start thinking more about others. Cheers for the support! 🙂
    Ai-Ling: I will, thanks for the support Ai-Ling! 🙂
    tart on that now and reply the comments after I’m done. Cheers all! 🙂
    cbenc12: The only daughter, yeah sometimes the worst things happen to the best people. I’m sorry to hear that.
    Yeah, it’s never too late and I’m going to work towards achieving my potential.
    musique7775: Jesus, I’m sorry to hear that. Yeah, there’s worse things that could happen. Death can be a blessing sometimes.
    Thanks for the support, my friend. I shall keep it under control. 🙂
    butterscotch: Thanks butterscotch, I will. 🙂
    john123: The first one happens naturally and the second, I already have. A full one, too boot. 😉
    Old Man: Hello there! Thanks for the support and the vote of confidence. Much appreciated. Cheers! 🙂
    suituapui: Hmm…I don’t want to be a vegetable, I would hate to be a burden to others. Which is why I have a fear of HIV and getting a stroke. I want an instant death, not one where people start growing weary of me.
    It’s always my policy to go with a bang.
    Chris: Thanks for the advice, my friend. Yeah, sometimes external circumstances can get you down, but it’s always healthy to take a good look at things and just move on. Cheers!
    foongpc: Hello there! Thanks, yeah I always do things that I end up regretting, which is not a very good personality trait.
    e: Yeah, I have a good friend who’s bipolar as well. She’s handling it really well nowadays though. I think it’s coz she has a stable anchor. I need to find my anchor. I need someone who can control me, who can tame this dragon.
    Thanks for the support, my friend.
    David: Hmm…that’s true, I should be looking for someone to care for instead of receiving all the time. I should be taking care of my anchor as well, which I do. Cheers for the feedback, mate! 🙂
    Amy: OMG! That’s terrible. I’m sorry to hear that. I hope you’re okay now.
    Anyway, yeah, always life life for everyone, not just yourself. I have to learn that.
    dragonfly: Yeah, sometimes I’ve given up trying to even explain. I feel for you, my friend. I hope that things are going better now and it’s always good to take a break from stressful events. Pets helps a lot, especially since some cats and dogs have an instinct that makes them know when you’re depressed somehow and come over to comfort you when you really need them.
    That’s a good way to delay the impulse for self harm. I think it could work. Cheers for sharing!
    Take care, buddy, and I wish you all the best.

  21. i wanna tell you i understand and empathise, but you probably already know that.
    i’m as fucked up as you.
    and sometimes it feels almost good to throw caution to the wind and live life as hedonistically and as recklessly as possible.
    not very healthy.
    i think that sorta attitude would change if there was actually some sorta goal in life that we were to really pursue and live for, instead of just dicking round like this haha.
    anyway i hope you’re alright, hb. get a pet, it helps somewhat.

  22. Seeing you posting this means you still treasure your life, so why now go ahead and treasure it from now! Your past might leave you with a mark, but it doesn’t prevent you from making tomorrow a better day than it is today. You got nothing to loose!

  23. Irene: Thanks Irene! Yeah, we’re both bipolar and have serious issues. But I see that you’ve improved A LOT since getting into a stable relationship and exercising and all that. You fucking glow of health when I last saw you. I think I shall do the same and see if it works for me. I need a female version of him as my anchor. 😉
    Terry: Oooh…don’t speak too soon, my friend. 😉
    Des: I do treasure my life a lot. I just saw a friend get married and I want to have a stable home life with a loving wife and kids and all that and just settle down.
    …a better tomorrow, eh?
    No worries, those are the two main anchor categories of – it’ll always be there.


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