I have been living life as if I expect to kick the bucket in 10 years. It’s not a subconscious thing either, it’s pretty obvious from the self-destructive tendencies manifested in my behavior and attitude. I drive recklessly, as if I want to get into an accident. I drink excessively and with abandon. I get into ludicrous situations and generally make a mess out of every good thing that I have left. I have fucked up relationships and pretty much destroy all that is good in my life.
…and I’ve been wondering why I do that. Suicide by hedonism?
I know my renal and liver function isn’t exactly at it’s optimal level (due to an unfortunate overdose resulting in an emergency dialysis done about two years back) but still the doctor reckons it’s all the years of substance and alcohol (a)buse that caused all that damage instead of a single isolated incident.
My friend recognized my self destructive tendencies despite knowing only a part of my life and asked me what made me this way. I couldn’t answer him – either I don’t know, or it’s so deep rooted that I don’t want to know.
He gave me a really good analogy though. It’s like I’m driving down a potential dead end 15 km down the road and since I know it, I’m banging up my car by knocking into the cliffs and roadsides and not caring who I run down in the process.
…but what if it’s not a dead end? What if I could navigate through but due to all the damage I’ve done to my car, I couldn’t anymore since the car is too banged up to make it though?
He has a point there. I shouldn’t be living my life as if there’s no tomorrow.
I shouldn’t be living from day to daze.