Cold feet


I’m writing this before I board the plane back to KL. I’m hauling back several boxes of my girlfriend’s belongings with me. She’s coming over in a couple of days to work in KL and she’ll be living with me.

I’ll be honest here. I’m feeling more than a little trepidation at the idea. I don’t know how it’s going to turn out. There is a grand total of three (3) serious relationships I’ve been in where the other half moves in with me. The first one happened when I was just in my teenage years – it also happened to be my first real relationship.

Her name was Wendy and it lasted all of six months.

It was all fine and dandy until we moved in together. The relationship lasted longer than that, of course – prior to that, we were practically inseparable. I don’t know why seeing each other day in and day out became so taxing on the relationship.

Familiarity breeds contempt?

It always starts with the little things – small issues that becomes the flash point of every argument. The same old problems brought up again and again. It’s something akin to cabin fever…I’ll even go so far to say it’s like prison, being cooped up in a small place with the same bunch of people 24/7.

It never ends well.

The second relationship (Louisa – the very same person that still resides as a tattoo on my left forearm) also went that way. We were together for YEARS. I graduated from Australia, came back to KL and moved in with her.

BAM! The relationship went downhill almost immediately.

However, we tried to work things out as adults – giving each other space, making concessions and compromises but in the end it still didn’t work out. We made a last ditch attempt to save the relationship by me moving to Kuching (it was just as well that I got a really good job offer there) and it was all good for a while…and then we broke up.

The third and last serious relationship where my girlfriend moved in was when I came to KL again. I came with Doris in tow and maybe it’s the nostalgic rose tinted glasses but I felt that I could have done things better and maybe it could have worked out if I had not turned into a complete asshole.

I’ll admit that much. I was a total asshole to her. I was an ungrateful son of a bitch who didn’t care about someone that loved me that much. I loved her too but I got too caught up with myself to realize that I’ve been taking her for granted. She’s a very nice girl and perhaps things would have been different if I had been the person I am now.

…or perhaps not.

The thing is, I’ve learned a lot from all these experiences. It made me take a good, hard look at myself and I didn’t like what I was seeing. I have been making amends since then.

I’m no saint, I’m not saying that I became the poster boy for abstinence after that. Hell, no.

…but I never did get into another serious relationship after Doris until now.

It’s funny isn’t it? When you’re single, all you want to do is get in a relationship. When you’re actually in one, the idea of being alone and free to do anything you want sounds pretty appealing.

The grass is always greener on the other side and all that.

However, I really want to make this work. I don’t think I’ll make the same mistakes again and I’ll try very hard to keep the relationship alive. I know my own weaknesses and I hope I am more patient and understanding now. I’ll give it my all.

I hope that the fourth time’s the charm.

I hope.

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50 thoughts on “Cold feet”

    • Thanks Kim! 🙂

      I’ll take your advice to heart. It’s time to man up and stop fucking around.

      Appreciate the advice Kim! <3

  1. Relationships and marriages for that matter is ALWAYS hard work. We need to work at it every day, not taking each other for granted. When I got married and moved in, the first year was the toughest, from learning how to cook to taking care of the husband – it was all very over-whelming. But in time, you’ll get used to it and learn each other’s habits. And always remember to communicate AND compromise. If you really love someone, you’ll do all you can to make it work so good luck to you both!

    • Yup, it’s hard work indeed. That’s really good advice Cas…gotta give it my all.

      Thanks for sharing your experiences. 🙂

  2. It always takes 2 hands to clap and i believe if both parties work on it and be committed to the r/ship and it will turn out well. It’s all about having trust and commitment and willingness for each other to make all these happen..
    Good Luck~

  3. Hey, dont be so hard on yourself. You are much older now (more matured I hope). Perhaps even as you are going to stay together, it might be good to give each other personal time and space and don’t get into a routine immediately…then you wont feel trapped. Nobody says it’s easy being a couple but still, take it easy! All the best 🙂

    • I figured out a way that I picked up from my dad. We used to go for annual family holidays – at the very least. It does make the family bond.

      I’m thinking one trip per month. It doesn’t need to be anywhere fancy, even just a 1 hour drive to some ulu place to spend the weekend would do. 🙂

      Thanks Doreen!

    • Indeed bro! Good advice, cheers for that!

      Yup, we talked about the potential pitfalls and I spoke to her about my fears and my tendency to need a bit of space to do my own stuff. It worked very well. 🙂

  4. I always tell my girlfriend that communication is key. Always try to sit down and talk about every little things that annoys each other and if there’s any problems, we should try and solve it immediately. No good keeping all the anger inside cos all hell will break loose eventually. Good luck and follow your heart, HB.

    We only live once, let it be a good one 🙂

    • Yeah, that’s what I always tell my girlfriend too. 🙂

      I tell it to others as well. Heh! Yeah, it’s the ONLY way to go.

      Cheers Raymond. 🙂

  5. best of luck mate. take your experience from the past and use it as a lesson in the future. that’s how we become better men.

    • Indeed bro! I’ve lived a life that’s quite full and it’s now time to really settle down and not make the same mistakes all over again. 🙂

    • Haha! I don’t think that would work very well bro. 😉

      It would cause a lot of built up resentment. Best to talk it out, we always do, and I’m thankful for that.

  6. I hear you about your concerns and fears…..I too always crave that space and independence, but at the same time, I love being in a committed relationship, so a lot of compromise and patience comes into play. I blame being an only-child 🙂 On a serious note, from reading your posts lately, and from who I have known you to be over the years, you have changed a lot and it’s a good thing. My mom always told me, “Having a good relationship (be it with family, friends, or significant other) is important, and don’t worry about everything else….it always takes care of itself” Rooting for you both!

    • I hear you Skwermy!

      Yeah, it would take a lot of patience and compromise.

      Thanks for the vote of confidence, it is much appreciated. 🙂

      …and thanks for the support! <3

    • Thanks bff! 🙂

      Yeah, I guess I’ve learned not to make the same mistakes again.

      My dad used to say “There’s no such thing as THE ONE. THE ONE is the one you’re with right now”.

      I like to think he’s a wise man.

      Hey, catch up over drinks bff! <3

  7. i’ll stand by what i said before – i think you really have changed a lot lately for the better, and we wish you all the best with jeanie. we all have faith in you 🙂

  8. Relationships aren’t easy. Ever. =)

    Even being in one with the same guy for 10 years, it never gets easier.
    That being said wasn’t to scare you. Hang in there when things gets tough.

    It’s reality. You bicker, fight and argue. Sometimes, one gives in. Sometimes, none does.
    But most importantly, remember this- make sure you make good memories with each other.

    NOt just simple watching movies or hanging out… have hobbies and do them together. =)
    Go hiking together. Do silly things together. Write them down. Take pics of them.
    So, when you get tired of all the arguing and what not, take out your journal, browse the pictures
    of good times… cos that’s life – you’ll have good times and bad times.

    And it’s a journey… enjoy it.. savour it.. and don’t forget the happy times you had and will have.

    • Thanks for sharing! 🙂

      Yeah, that’s the trick to it – having similar hobbies that you can engage with together.

      Creating memories…I like the sound of that. 😀

      …and I totally agree, it’s the journey that matters, not the destination.

      Thanks for the sagely advice! All the best with your guy too. 🙂

  9. I, too, hope that fourth time’s a charm for you. I know it is going to be tough but like everyone else here, we all hope things will go well for you this time with Jeanie. =)

    • Haha! I doubt that’s the way to go bro.

      I’ve seen people do that…not to say that it doesn’t work for all, but most of the time it doesn’t.

      Then again I’ve seen people who’re happy after that. 🙂

  10. When are you going to dump the pussy? The fact that you are blogging about this means you plan to dump her after you run out of things to write about her. So when are you going to stop toying with her pussy and dump the pussy?

  11. Here’s my four cents – all the best to you both!

    * If you’re arguing about something (e.g. who was meant to store the milk in the fridge), that thing is 99% sure probably *not* the real issue. The real issue is probably something like: ‘You never listen to me, and if you cared about me you would care that I think it’s important that the milk is put straight back in the fridge.’ So, what you do is say: ‘I’m sorry about the milk – but is there something else that’s bothering you?’

    * Do you want to be right, or happy? So many arguments go on and on because no one wants to admit they’re wrong. Even when it’s something very petty which you will forget. I know that I can remember many arguments, but can hardly ever remember what the argument was about. Because it was not that important in fact (see point above).

    * It’s not about compromising, because compromises only leave two people unsatisfied. It’s about accepting or not. If the other party wants to fold the sheets every morning, or asks that you don’t drink and drive, or whatever – either you accept wholeheartedly, and do it. Or don’t. The worst is to pretend to accept and letting the resentment simmer, until one day s/he doesn’t put the toothpaste cap on and … (see points above).

    • Hey Julian! That’s really good advice. Thanks for sharing your experiences. 🙂

      Yeah, I agree with #1, it’s always another issue. I’ll watch out for that.

      Hmm…#2 is hard to do, but yeah, you’re right. Being HAPPY rather than being RIGHT is much more important. This one is a gem.

      #3 is the real deal – a bit hard to swallow for those who believes in compromise but ultimately, that’s the truth. You either accept it fully, or you don’t.

      Thanks bro, you’ve given me a lot to think about…and ponder I shall, from your vast experience.

      Cheers for sharing! 🙂

  12. “When you’re single, all you want to do is get in a relationship. When you’re actually in one, the idea of being alone and free to do anything you want sounds pretty appealing.” ….absolutely spot on … I still meet doris though..we are in the same bus to work almost everyday…not that i know her…

    • Yeah, the grass is always greener bro. 🙂

      …but sometimes it’s good to be content with your side of the field.

      Ah yeah, she told me about her new workplace, do you work at the same place?

      Have a good weekend! 🙂

    • Thanks mate! These things can be hard to write but I write them anyway.

      I don’t want to be like some people who protray themselves as flawless individuals.

      We’re all flawed individuals and I’m not afraid to admit that I’m one too.

      Thanks for reading! 🙂

  13. i know i’ve said tweeted this to you but ah so happy for you! it’s always very very nice to read about people being in love and stable and all that. but at the same time it sucks too for me cause I just let go someone I really love and loves me too for one stupid reason – i was too scared. so now when people talk to me about love , i just tell them to take the risk, work whatever way out and never let go until the love runs dry! all the best and do invite me to yr wedding if the bells ring 😛

    p/s : when u wanna intro me guys laaa.. hahahahahha

    • Hello Mel! I’m sorry to hear that. 🙁

      …but yes, it is a stupid reason. Hope you don’t mind a friend telling you that.

      I’m glad you know better now! <3

      Yup, you're definately on the invite list! 😀

      She's coming over soon. I'll be celebrating my birthday someplace chill (don't feel like partying) so will buzz you after that! 🙂

      • of course unfortunately when I realized how silly I was, it’s too late. I have no one to blame but myself :'( I’m all good now though! Very much ready to love someone – something I never thought I would !

        Ok , omg didnt realize yr birthday’s coming dy! time flies eh!

        • Good to hear that! 🙂

          It’s always good to forget about the past with no regrets and move on.

          Yeah, I’m hitting the big 3-0 in 5 days. >.<

  14. Living together is alot tougher than dating long distance, so both of you really need to put in extra efforts. Jeanie is a catch don’t let this one slip away again, all the best !

  15. i know what you mean Huai Bin. When I was in a r/ship, I feel like I wanted to be single again and now that I am single, it’s nice to be in a r/ship. Grass is always greener on the other side. If you have the heart to make something work, it will be. It’s not all about I am going to try, it’s I WILL try whatever it takes to work!

    • Yeah! The grass is always greener on the other side right? 😡

      I think it helps if you think back to the times when you’re single.

      Very nice Eiling! 🙂

      Yup, I WILL do it. 😀

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