rainie

Rainie has broken up with me. I really have given it my all. Maybe I could have done more. I don’t know if it even matters. She has now moved back with her ex-boyfriend. I will neither assign blame nor vilify her.

It hurts like hell. I feel an emptiness and I have to keep myself from calling her and begging her to come back.

I usually fail.

I really, really loved her and I did a lot of things and accepted a lot of things about her which I usually won’t.

It’s no one’s fault.

I don’t even know how to begin to write this but for myself, I need to.

She’s a really great person and I really loved her. I still do.

I have trust issues which I felt was very justified. I will not vilify her, she’s a great person that maybe I could have saved but I wasn’t strong enough.

I’m glad things moved this fast though. I never regretted a moment we had together. However, it really hurts to be treated like this.

She left me while I was in Phuket. We had an argument over my trust issues and she packed her bags and went back to her ex-boyfriend (which would make that her current boyfriend again) instead of waiting until I got back as we agreed. I now know things that I didn’t.

I have forgiven her for things which goes against my very principles. She was one the only 3 people I’ve ever loved like this.

I won’t go into details because it’s her life. I will not assign blame, if there’s anyone to blame, let it be me.

I just wished she could have told me instead running off when I was in Phuket. I wish she hadn’t taken the easy way out. I would have understood.

Worst of all, I know that if she comes back I know I’ll still love her and forgive her.

Perhaps people with the dark triad of personalities is destined to only get the girls during that crucial period before their ovulation.

Never to be together with someone, only to be a temporary fling as you seem more attractive during that time, forever, and ever, and ever.

…and that is a very dark thought.

It’s so disheartening that once I stopped being a player and started to be a nice guy, the ladder theory proves true. It’s so easy to get girls when you’re being a player but when you’re being serious in the relationship, the tables are turned and you get played.

However, I won’t go back to being what I was. I want to be a nice guy and I want my partner to love me because I love her, not because I’m a manipulative player.

No one can take that from me. I know I’m ready for a serious relationship and I have really tried and I’ve given it my all.

I saw a cute little girl while out tapao-ing food I won’t eat just now. She’s adorable and I looked at her parents and it made me think that maybe nice guys won’t always finish last.

In a fit of Zen, I have looked at it another way. It could be that the dark triad of personalities tend to attract some type of girls but I don’t think that your personality is set. I wasn’t a player before and I stopped being a player now, ergo, I have discarded the attributes that used to fit the dark triad of personalities.

There is someone out there waiting for me. Someone I will love and cherish and who will reciprocate. Someone who will not lie to me and whom I will not lie to.

A relationship built on trust.

That is what keeps me going during this difficult period.