The Final Solution: The day I tried to kill myself

hb suicide attempt

I don’t even know how it started but I was having suicidal thoughts
for the past two days. I even made plans to “finish” everything e.g.
get my hard disk home (photos) and had thought about which was the best
way to go (jumping is not coz just in case I didn’t die, my balls won’t
survive the fall and my offspring-to-be will be thwarted).

I planned to use my cigarette break to get out of ICU and then grab
a scalpel on my way out to slit my throat. I had also planned to have
the backup option of getting a box cutter from the front desk (grab it
if I have to) and slitting my wrists.

I had also considered (though not to a great extent) running over to
the pharmacy and swallowing a bottle of pills (won’t work coz they’ll
just pump my stomach and shove me with a huge medical bill and I’ll
still be alive).

I stole a syringe from the ICU and a pair of big scissors I intended
to stab my vital organs with. I called my dad telling him that I love
him and told him to tell my mom that I said “Hello”. I also asked him
to finish my business (hard disk) for me in not so many words. He said
he’ll pray for me.

I tried to go to the toilet to lock myself in but the ICU nurse
found me out. He asked to check my pants and he found the scissors and
syringe. I was watched like a hawk after that. I looked around the
entire place for sharp things and I finally found one…a fire
extinguisher encased in pure, thick glass.

I looked at the glass and I told myself to smash it and get a large
piece of broken glass to slit my wrists. I said I’ll count to ten and
I’ll jump over and do it.

10…9…8…

3…2…1…

I jumped out of bed and smashed the thick glass with my fist. I
could hear the ICU nurses running over and I knew I had to be quick. I
pulled out a big piece of solid glass with my bare hands (got a lot of
cuts on my palm coz of that) and slit my wrist.

It was too blunt. I had to stab it in.

Mr. Poh! Don’t do this!

I stopped in my tracks. I don’t know why but having your named
called when you’re about to commit suicide just brings you back. I
looked at her.

“This glass isn’t even sharp”, I said while halfheartedly slitting my wrists.

I knew I wasn’t going to kill myself then.

There was blood all over the place from the broken glass and my
right arm which grazed through the thick glass and where it nearly
passed through muscle.

hb suicide stitch

The next few moments passed in a blur. One nurse held my hand to
stem the bleeding (was bleeding like a pig) and another got gauze and
another got the RMO (Resident Medical Officer) to come up to stitch me
up.

I was manic at this point, cracking jokes and making small talk and
said to put the broken glass on my bill (they didn’t). The RMO came in
and started to suture me. I said I didn’t want any opiates and not even
topical analgesics like lidocaine/lignocaine coz I quit drugs.

He said “This is cruel” while stitching me over and over. I didn’t
even feel a thing. I told him I like physical pain but I have
emotional/psychological pain.

He was impressed when I was stitched up. “Wow, you didn’t even move despite having no painkillers”.

I repeated my stance on physical vs. psychological pain.

hb suicide superficial

I got bandaged on my wrist for superficial wounds as well as on my fist for various cuts and incisions from the broken glass.

hb suicide wound

It’s ironic that the most serious wound (the one that pieced through
muscle) was the one sustained while punching through the glass with my
bare hands.

I got transferred to Sarawak General Hospital and nearly to Kota
Sentosa Psychiatric Hospital. Luckily, I answered all the right
questions and was too sedated (they gave me a sedative, not a benzo coz
I would have had tolerance and they knew) from something so I fell
asleep and woke up in SGH.

hb suicide nicorette

They don’t allow you to smoke in SGH so I had to resort to smoking Nicorette Inhalers. I nearly wanted to kill myself again. ;)

Slash and burn – the compulsion to self-inflict pain and leave scars

slice burn one

It’s strange, I was just thinking about that tattoo I’ve wanted to
get and suddenly got the urge to test the resilience of my flesh
against a balisong…

slice burn two

I even took a lit cigarette and…er, cauterized the wound, just to see if my tactile senses are still in order.

slice burn

Download: Slice and burn [sixthseal.com]

It’s not unfamiliar to me…I’m not a cutter, but I use syringes so much I’m used to taking instruments to myself.

slice burn heal

I just find it a little hard to keep my head on straight sometimes…ever get that feeling?

"I don't want to feel" – videos of me cutting myself

cutting myself last nite

I was feeling particularly depressed last night and thought it would
be interesting to use a balisong (butterfly knife) to do some
self-inflicted wounds. Okay, it wasn’t coz it was interesting, it was
coz I was feeling down. :p I didn’t “feel” anything, everything is so
routine, so numb, so meaningless, and I am so fragile, so replaceable,
so useless.

cutting myself knife nite

Well, I punched the wall in frustration and I liked that. It made me
“feel”. I didn’t feel the pain much so I thought I’ll cut myself. Two
cuts, like an X, with my el cheapo balisong. I tried looking for my
Benchmade but I couldn’t find it, and I couldn’t be bothered to look,
so I just used this one.

cutting myself intro

Download: I don’t want to feel [sixthseal.com]

no feel

The interesting is, I went from “I want to feel” to “I don’t want to
feel” coz the world is a shitty place to live in, as I felt at that
time. I’m feeling better now, this video is the manifestation of the
sixthseal.com Quarterly Serotonin Depletion Moment (QSDM). I get
depressed every once in a while. I don’t know why, no drugs involved, I
just get depressed.

x spot

Download: X marks the spot [sixthseal.com]

Here’s the second part of the video. I just felt down and kept on
repeating “I don’t want to feel” for some reason. I should have used a
razor blade though…and there are two things I learnt from this:

1. I need to sharpen my balisong.
2. I really need to sharpen my balisong. ;)

I mean seriously, I use that thing so much it’s become blunt. I was like “Draw blood, dammit!”…it used to be very sharp.

cutting myself today

Here’s what it looked like this morning. I think the uneven cuts
don’t look so good, so I might have to touch it up a little for a nice
scar. I hope it’ll scar anyway. It felt good, cutting myself. The
strange thing is, I didn’t feel any pain, but I felt ALIVE!

I FELT! It gave me the catharsis that I needed. I slept like a baby
after that. It’s nice. I felt so alive. I just might be interested in
this self-inflicting wounds thing. With God as my witness, I felt! :)

Disclaimer: I’m perfectly sane and this is… (Choose below)
1. If you’re my friend:
…just a publicity stunt for sixthseal.com I mean come on, the cuts aren’t even deep, superficial at best.
2. If you’re my coworkers:
…mind your own business. I don’t bring my personal problems to work.
3. If you’re someone who loves me:
…er, I accidentally cut myself…twice. ;)

P/S – Don’t make a big deal out of this, it’s not a “suicide
attempt”, a “plea for help” or any of that bullshit psycho-babble.
There’s nothing melodramatic here, it’s just all in good fun…alright?

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