Look, there’s the guy that fucked up

Hello everyone. I’m having a really bad time now. I feel like i’m
going crazy. Before any of you make any presumptions, no I’m not on
drugs and yes, i did take my benzos like a good boy. i came into work
and i realized that all i have been doing is data entry for the past
few weeks (months?). i’m not a programmer, please change my job title,
i’m a simple data entry clerk. not tha t there’s anything wrong with
that, but i was doing programming for my own project (pengsan.com) and
i realized how i missed it, because it was fun.

i came in work today. it’s a holiday but i have unfinished work. on
opening my inbox i received a deluge of emails from the person i liase
with in another company for more data entry work. i looked at my
outstanding work and it wasn’t a lot, just need to do a mass replace on
ids, prob take 4 hours max. but i couldn’t touch it. i couldn’t look at

i guess some of you would say i had a panic attack. but thats
improbable because i’m on a high benzo maintanence theraphy for my
anxiety, social phobia and panic attacks. you know the drill, i
couldn’t breath, i felt like i was going crazy, there’s sounds that
makes me jump, i can’t breath i feel like i’m having a heart attack, my
heart is jackhammering and i want to hide from i don’t know what but i
feel like my mind is ripped apart and i can’t escape, please help me

it slowly passed and i guess you could say it was a panic attack but
like i said, i’m on benzos already. i’m also not taking drugs if anyone
is thinking along that lines. though the bad part passed and i felt
better, i still couldn’t do the work i came here to do. i took a walk
and came back and still couldn’t do it. i thought about a lot of things.

i felt like calling it quits but i don’t want to fuck up. its
chinese new year soon and i don’t want to go back to the family reunion
dinner with my parents and aunties and uncles and grandma and cousins
and all the other relatives without a job. i’ll be the one that fucked
up. they won’t say it of course, i’m sure they’ll be supportive or not
mention it but i know what all of them would think

he couldn’t take it. he cracked under pressure and he’s a jobless bum.

and i am. am i not? if i quit, that’s what i am. a fucking jobless
loser who couldn’t take it and quit. that’s all i am and that’s all i’m
going to be so i might as well just fuck off from the gene pool and
make the world a more productive and reliable place.

i don’t want to quit. i don’t think i can either, its understaffed
at the moment and contract says 1 month notice. i haven’t cashed in my
paycheck but i don’t think they’ll allow me to give it back in lieu of
one months notice. i’m afraid that there will be consequences from bad
feelings too. and thats not to mention the big fucking smear on my
resume from quitting on my first job and getting a bad reference. in
the current situation (overabundence of it grads), i’ll be lucky if i
could get a job ever again. there’s two million people waiting to
replace me who would be more than happy to have a job and more than
happy to accept my salary and do repetitive data entry.

but the most important thing is i don’t want to quit. i’ll fuck
myself up. and i don’t want everyone to talk about me and be known as

i don’t want to disappoint my parents and i don’t want to go to the
chinese new year reunion jobless and see what they think in their eyes
even though they won’t mention it.

i don’t want to quit but i don’t know if i can take all this data
entry work much longer.i can’t look at it. yeah i bet some of you would
think i’m weak but you don’t know me, you don’t know my psychiatric
history, you don’t know how many hours i put in recently and how many
hours i sleep and the most important thing is, i don’t give two shits
about what you think, sorry for disapppoiting you. like i siad, i’m
just worried about what my family (inc. extended) and gf and gf’s
family would think.

or maybe i’m just saying that coz i did mention that i don’t want to
be known as the guy who fucked up so maybe i do care about what you
think and i’ m just lashing out as a defensively.

i don’t want to quit and be know as the fucking loser quitter good for nothing piece of shit fucking loser.

i don’t want all that. what should i do?

i can’t look at the work i’m doing anymore. i’ll take the lrt back
now and sleep on it. i’ll see how it goes tomorrow, perhaps i’ll feel
better and come in and do the repetitive data entry but it disgruntles
me coz i’m not learning and updating my skills in programming at work
and i don’t have time at home. this is not to be seen as a critisism of
my company of course, i willingly accepted more work during a meeting
last time.

i’ll just go back and sleep and see how it goes tomorrow.

i don’t want to quit. what should i do?

i don’t want to be the loser in the reunion dinner. the weak one who broke down and quit his job, that loser.

what should i do?

9 am deadline!


My apologies, I don’t have time to post the review of the best nasi
ayam I’ve eaten in KL now, but the picture above was taken there. It’s
a small sidelane beside Genting Plaza. I’ll write a full review chock
full of photos tonight ok? I have to rush off to work now, I’ve gotta 9
am deadline to meet, I arrived home at around midnight last night and I
didn’t sleep but fear not, my l33t *cough* programming sk1llz have not
suffered due to that. I know it’s early to be heading to work, I don’t
know if there’s anyone in right now, but I have the key anyway, since I
was the last one to leave last night.

Oh yeah, if anyone knows about a reliable (99.5% MIMIMUM uptime)
host which has been in the business for at least 2 years please leave a
comment. I need 1 GB of space minimum, 30 GB data transfer minimum, and
no restriction on content (willing to host castitas.com). VPS/VDS
solutions would be great, but not necessary. Multiple domain support is
essential. No hosts which has quotas on “multimedia files” since I have
a lot of images. My budget is US$ 20 per month maximum. No hidden fees,
preferably allows hosting on a monthly/quarterly basis to test speed
and reliability.

Does anyone have any suggestions? A lot of hosts has really strict
T&C’s, is there anyone who’s hosted with a good host which fits the
above criteria? Also, a host which has no restriction of filetypes
would be good ie allows MP3, MPEG, AVI files. I know this is asking a
lot for US$ 20 but if there’s anyone who’s aware of any hosts which
goes slightly above that price with all the features above, please
leave a message. I’m tired of browsing the WHT forums and I’m very
interested in ultraunix.net, they’ve great solutions and feedback, but
I would preferably go with a company that’s not in Malaysia (no
offence) due to the possibility of Malaysian authorities exerting
pressure on Malaysian hosts to access server logs and such, which would
violate the privacy of veritas.

I need a reliable host quick, visitors increase each month and so
does bandwidth usage. 40k visitors a month with my large front page
size = killer bandwidth fees. Oh right, the hosting company must not
have daily caps on visitors since I get over 1.3k a day. I have no use
for multiple email accounts and mailing lists but a catch-all address
is mandatory. I have my own domains, so free domain offers are not
necessary, though it’s a plus. Oh yeah, PHP, CGI, PERL, custom error
pages, access to raw visitor logs and MySQL databases (not looking for
“unlimited” but a reasonably sufficient number) is a must. I also don’t
need extras like scripts, FrontPage extensions, eCommerce stuff etc,
I’m basically just looking for a UNIX/Linux/FreeBSD host with cPanel
and I need phpMyAdmin too. Reasonable rates (US$ 3 or lower per GB) for
excess bandwidth would be good. NO SHUTTING DOWN THE SITE FOR EXCEEDING
BANDWIDTH! I would not go with a host who does that. SSH access is a
big bonus. Where are you all hosted? Thanks in advance!

Midnight at the office


XM Malaysia midnight club (bound by a common project) – Ivan, Wai
Hing, Shirley, Suzanne, Huai Bin (me). Kelvin and Ganesh were also
around but not working on the same project.

It’s past 12 am in the morning and I’m still at the
office…together with about 6 other people, working on the Sony
Malaysia’s 30th Anniversary project. I just realized that I am an utter
hack today, I took ages to finish the main page and that’s not even
going into coding for dynamic responses on certain triggers. The main
page was just HTML and tables (I fucking hate tables…) and CSS and
yet I was slaving over it for most of the day. Granted, I was having a
borderline paracetamol (APAP) poisoning (don’t ask) and was throwing
up, having abdominal cramps etc but that’s no excuse…


Dinner was provided though…

The point is…I took ages to do something simple, and that is
really depressing…the images from creative were like jigsaw puzzles,
I can’t write a good table to save my life and I even had to send
Yahoo! messages to Grace [pixelphobia.net] (who claims to eat HTML tables and CSS for breakfast) to ask her how to float text on top of static images…

I am still at the office and if there’s a single word that could sum up today it’s omgwtfbbq.

I really need to update my skill sets but that will have to wait, forgive me for not replying the comments today, work awaits…

XM Malaysia Foosball Finals 2003

L-R: May, Shirley, Anthony, Suzanne, TK, Loh, Azli

Here are the photos of the foosball championship finals at the
office yesterday evening. XM Malaysia has a foosball table in the rec
room and it was decided in the last TGIF meeting that there would be a
competition with several events like foosball, pool etc. I’m in Geng 69
(the company is divided into six teams) but I wasn’t going to play
foosball – I volunteered for pool coz I think I’m pretty handy with a
cue, unless my skillz has atrophied significantly, which could very
well be true if the last time I played snooker with my friends is any


Here’s the score list. The finals yesterday was Team Tofu vs
Screaming Chihuahuas in the winners bracket and Geng 69 vs Junkies in
the losers bracket.

Final result:

Winners bracket

Team ToFu vs Screaming Chihuahuas (female doubles)







Chihuahuas win!

Win: Screaming Chihuahuas

Team ToFu vs Screaming Chihuahuas (male doubles)



Tek Khoon


Jae Sern

Azli with the ball.

Win: Tofu

Tofu #1

Losers bracket

Geng 69 (Ranggi Fellows) vs Junkies (female doubles)

Geng 69






Mandy Chan and Joanne with team captain VJ.

Win: Junkies

Geng 69 (Ranggi Fellows) vs Junkies (male doubles)

Geng 69

Two own goals and some skewering going on.

Wai Hing
Huai Bin (me)


Thee Heng

Win: Geng 69

I actually made two own goals. Heh! I was sitting in for Chia who
was on annual leave and played offence with Loh on defence. This was
the match that would decide who gets the last place and I thought all
was lost due to those two own goals. However, my skillz (okay, luck :p)
prevailed at the end when both teams were at 4/5 goals…one goal would
mean the difference between winning and losing. I made my men dance and
scored the winning goal by…ok, luck lar. πŸ™‚ Geng 69 didn’t get the
last spot. :p Yay!

#1 = Team Tofu
#6 = Junkies

No work today


I went into the office today and found all the lifts being upgraded,
with the exception of one…it took ages to arrive too, coz Kenanga
International has quite a number of floors. Anyway, I went up to find
the office devoid of people…and I did not have the key today. I had
the key the two weekeneds I came in but I figured I won’t need it today
coz I thought they’ll be people in. Anyway, all is not lost, I went to
Bukit Bintang and caught the Kempen Kerjaya PDRM thing, photos will be
up soon!

My first ever paycheck – RM 1,790.32


I was eating my lunch yesterday when Janet, Chang and Wang came over
and told me the paychecks were ready and so down we went to the 12th
floor to get them. Pictured above is my first every paycheck, for RM
1,790.32. =D

Mutiara Hotel

That’s not what I earn per month though, my monthly salary is only
RM 1,500 (yes, please feel sorry for me). The amount was pro-rated from
last month. I went into XM Malaysia at the end of August. Anyway, I
figured my first paycheck is cause for a mini celebration so I went to
Hotel Mutiara.


I was wondering why a lot of my coworkers were going off at 5 pm and
coming back with Mutiara Hotel bags until I was told about the 50% off
all cakes at Tiffins.

Tiffins @ Mutiara


Anyway, after getting the cakes, I bought a celebratory cigar at
this place in Hotel Mutiara (forgot the name). It was a walk in humidor
and I was tempted by the Cohiba cigars on display but unfortunately
could not afford one so I settled for a Montecristo Tubos (review
later, probably at castitas.com).


I also got a bottle of sparkling wine (“California Champagne” – only
wines from Champagne, France can be called champagne) from the wine
shop at Isetan, KLCC. It’s Cook’s California Sparkling Wine, selected
for its price tag. :p Oh ya, Isetan has a sale so if you want to go
it’s open from 10 am to 10 pm tonight.

Cook’s California Sparkling Wine

Klinic Bangsar Baru damn expensive – RM 150!

Klinic Bangsar Baru @ Bangsar Telawi

I was feeling sick yesterday morning, feeling much better now
though. I couldn’t make it to work coz I kept on throwing up (again),
so I went to see a doctor. It was the Klinic Bangsar Baru at Bangsar
Telawi and I noticed that they’re panel doctors for companies like
Telekom, TV3, KLCC, NSTP, Tenaga National etc etc but I also saw the
word POLIKLINIC and where I come from (Sibu, Sarawak), policlinics are
cheaper than either private practises or GH. I was about to be shown
the errors of my ways by the policlinics in KL (second time this
happened, the first was bearable though).

Nothing funny, unfortunately.

Anyway, I went to this doctor and the waiting room was empty since I
went at noon…told him my symptoms – constant throwing up, can’t get
anything down – not even water, vertigo when not lying down, diarrhea,
migranes (he didn’t give me anything for this though, dammit ;)), etc
etc. He asked me a few questions about this and told me to lie down on
the bed so he could fondle me a bit. Oops, give me a checkup I mean.
Well, after a bit of prodding here and there, he said that my body
temperature is very warm and he’ll like to give me some antibiotics for

Enclor Capsule 250 mg – Chloramphenicol
Antibiotik – Perlu Di Habiskan
Antibiotic – To complete course

Doctor: Hmm…how are you going to swallow the pills if keep on throwing up?
Me: That’s a good question. I guess I’ll just force it down and keep it down.
Doctor: Oh, I’ve got a better idea. I’ll give you an injection in the buttocks, just pull your pants down a bit.
Me: Erm…..

I couldn’t very well back down, and I figured an anti-emetic wouldn’t do me much harm so “OK”, I said.

“Vomit” – no it doesn’t induce vomiting, it’s just an anti-emetic pill. KL doctors like to name their packs this way too.

Doctor: Right, I’m going to give you one shot in the left
buttock…here it goes. Okay. Hold this (cotton swab) right here while
I get another syringe.
Me: Another syringe?!?!?!
Doctor: Yeah, I’m giving you 4 medicines in two syringes. The
one I gave you just now is to stop you from vomiting and to harden your
stools. Now this one I’m giving you is an anti-biotic and (something
else I forgot).
Me: Er…*cough*…an antibiotic…is that really necessary?
Doctor: Of course it is, I’m giving you a course of antibiotics,
starting with this shot. This is a strong one, not one of the lesser
ones, this would be more effective.
Me: Right…..
Doctor: Okay, I’m injecting this one into your right buttocks, hold still. OK, hold this right here.


The interestingly labelled “Guts”. No, I don’t think it’s Marinol. πŸ˜‰

The doctor called me after the IM injections (I was still lying on
the bed as per his instructions) and TALKED for at least 20 minutes
about people from Sarawak he knew, even went through this guy who had a
daughter who was also in Melbourne and now working here. I nodded and
smiled politely and thought about how to raise the issue regarding
my…ah, migranes. Unfortuantely, the doctor didn’t let me get a word
in sideways so I gave up on that.

“Diarrhea” pills.

Anyway, the doctor wrote me a sick cert/medical cert and off I went
to wait at the dispensary. Here was where another interesting thing
happened. The nurse called me over to the counter and on the dispensary
table laid two small plastic containers – one with a mix of colorful
pills (about 5) like the ones they give out at psychiatric wards and
the other with some thick milky substance (milk of magnesia).

Nurse: Wait ya, I’ll give you a drink of water.
Me: Am I supposed to eat all these?
Nurse: Yeah, here’s a glass of water.
Me: Can’t I eat these at home instead?
Nurse: No, you’ll get some other meds to bring home, these are the ones you eat here.
Me: Erm…okay…


Nurse: Okay, here’s your bill sir. RM 150 please.
Me: I’m sorry? How much did you say it was?
Nurse: 150 dollars.
Me: Right…
/me looks into wallet
Me: I don’t have RM 150. Is there an ATM nearby?
Nurse: Yeah, walk straight down and turn left.

Milk of Magnesia – certainly need it for my heartburn after the bill.

I went to withdraw some money, which left my bank balance at RM 2 (I
shit you not – good thing we get our monthly paychecks tomorrow) and
paid the clinic and left with a bunch of medications which I have no
intention of consuming. No, not even the antibiotics. I’m protesting
against the completely non-judicious use of stronger antibiotics when
the lesser ones would do just fine. I should send veritas over since
this doctor is so keen on giving out “strong” medications…he’ll
probably give veritas oxycodone (Oxycontin) for his headache. πŸ˜‰

Anyway, I went home and noticed that either the cupful of medication
or the things in the IM shots interacts with certain sedatives and KO’d
me for the rest of the afternoon. I woke up at nearly 7 pm and felt
fine again.

RM 150 “only”.

RM 150 for a doctor’s visit indeed. I didn’t even get anything nice! Ouch my ass hurts.

I swear all those tablets, injections and liquid administered parenerally made me feel sicker.

Oh yeah, I passed by Taryn (one of my coworkers, except she’s my superior) this morning:

Taryn: Hello, so have you recovered?
Me: Recovered from what?

Someone please give me a very hefty kick to the ass…

Good thing the situation was salvaged when I IM’d her later to
explain that I thought she meant “recovered from the weekend” instead
of “recovered from my sick leave”.

I’m exhibiting all my medications (I brought them along) on my desk now for all to see and also so I won’t forget again. πŸ˜‰

My Sijil Cuti Sakit.
Sijil Cuti Sakit = Certificate Holiday Sick (direct translation). It’s a medical leave cert.

Big banana


Yes, a photo of a huge, thick, and long yellow (with black spots to
boot) banana. I just learnt today that these bananas are edible
(without cooking). I’ve always thought that these bananas needs to be
cooked (in goreng pisang) before it’s edible, but apparently not. The
banana is courtesy of Janet, who got it during the TGIF meeting last
time and gave it to me because I have to eat dinner leftovers as lunch
everyday because sixthseal.com is running over bandwidth every month
(I’m already over this month). Sorry for not updating, I’m working on a
ColdFusion and SQL Server thing that I’ve just sent to QC, it’s been a
long week…

A place of my own in KL


I’ve moved into my new room today – it’s the first of the month and
the previous guy moved out this morning while I was getting a mattress,
a chair and other very bulky stuff at Carrefour in Mid Valley Megamall.
I’m heading over to Richard’s (whom I’ve been living in for the past
week) with my gf for dinner. I would be bringing a 2000 Corbieres (I
don’t earn that much a month you know :p) and then I’ll be hitting the
sack when I get back. I will update again tomorrow and reply all the
comments. My apologies, moving is always a hassle and tiring.


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