Month: April 2004

The photo above is from the humidor (a display case might be a
better term) at the Hilton, Kuching lobby. It’s a cigar of epic
proportions, my estimate would place it at a meter long, at least.
There’s a place card beside it, proclaiming this cigar to be the
longest one in Sarawak. The card also unnecessarily mentions that it’s
not for sale and is meant for display purposes only, lest any
collectors or aficionados get any ideas. It’s a torpedo shaped cigar in
shrink wrap, featured in a custom made wood display box. The cigar a
Cohiba band on it, so I assume it’s made by this illustrious Cuban
brand.

P/S – The lignocaine experiment has reached its conclusion. The
write-up, photos and video clips is ready to be posted, pending
approval from my better half. It is going through some red tape since
it involves the heinous act of self-administrating an injectable
solution using the obvious route of administration (please correct me
if I have made an error in assuming that injectable solutions are meant
to be injected). I gather that my interest in experimentation and the
latest exploit has generated great displeasure (to say the least) from
my significant other, regardless of the benign nature of the substance.

The subtle semantics gleaned from the discussion leads me to believe
that I have two options – post it and risk having to use the past tense
when describing said other half, or not post it and getting a miniscule
(but much needed) amount of brownie points. I’ll be taking a “wait and
see” approach for this one. I’m also under the impression that I’m in
the doghouse for suspected use of recreational substances.
There is no tangible evidence to suggest that I’m still actively
involved in my chemical endeavors, mind. It just seems to her that I
cannot be trusted to be left unsupervised, since methamphetamine will
invariably find its way into me on its own accord.

I am forced to conclude that I require 24/7 monitoring since I’m
just 23 and not capable of independent thought. I’m also made to
understand that I’m no better than a human version of Pavlov’s dog,
salivating at the very mention of drugs. I also seem to possess the
dubious ability of establishing solid and reliable sources for
methamphetamine wherever I go. This is followed by the usual lament
about why I can’t have a “normal” leisure pursuit (or hobby, if you
will), where “normal” is the absolute point of reference from the
profiling of “other people”. I’ll have to get back to you about the
concise definition for these two terms, since I’m unable to grasp the
concept as well.

I’m not sure what I think of these allegations (since I’m incapable
of independent thought, you see), but the lignocaine experiment will
never see the light of the day until the…well, green light is given.
This is necessary to avoid the tedious process of having to revert into
past tense whenever my better half is mentioned. I shall also have to
restrain veritas from posting until further negotiations allows the
draft of a new acceptable post policy. That still leaves the constant
suspicion that I’m always using methamphetamine. I always maintain that
the photos are taken from various friends’ stashes, but it doesn’t seem
to hold much weight now, since I’ve used that excuse innumerable times
in the past, before she found out that it was all from my personal
stash all along.

Thus, I cannot blame her for her lack of trust since I’ve insisted
for two years that “veritas” is another person, until everything
collapsed under the weight of the complicated fabrication of a
fictional separate entity that invariably settles down in the very same
city that I’m currently residing in…and moves when I do. The problem
of being unable to produce a person compounded the issue, since I’m
unaware of any advances in science that allows the construction of a
real life person from my pseudonym. It became harder and harder to hide
the fact that “veritas” is just a nick I use to make drug related posts
to distance myself from it. I finally found myself in a position where
I could not maintain the facade anymore and told her the truth. Long
time readers may remember that incident.

Oh, what a tangled web we weave, when we conspire to conceive…

There is no excuse for subjecting her to that, and I will not
attempt to defend myself. I only did what I thought was right – not
subjecting the people I care for to unnecessary worries by being
economical with the truth about my choice of recreational activities,
which I justified by convincing myself that I was somehow morally
superior to some other people, since I did not cheat on her, but merely
indulged in chemicals (which is an inert substance). It’s flawed logic,
for a flawed personality.

Question: Do you think it’s “wrong” (based on your own
definition of this word) to experiment with a medical grade substance
with literally no recreational value, just for the sake of building up
a database of personal experiences?

Granted, it was not administered using a route that many will
approve of (alas, people here have yet to understand the concept of
having an open mind), but the substance is pharmaceutical grade,
sterile, and is not “recreational” in the strictest term of the word,
but rather “fun, for the sake of trying something new”. Needless to
say, with my phobia, I maintain very strict procedures when this route
of administration is used – the equipment is all sterile and syringes
are changed after each injection, with only myself in the room. I don’t
like having people around when I’m self-administering using this route
due to my irrational fears and hypochondriac tendencies.

I admit, there are no valid medical reasons for me to be using
lignocaine, but honestly, why should that stop anyone from doing
anything? Has everyone really lost the need for experimentation in
search of truth validated by personal experiences? Are there no
inquisitive minds who demands actual experience instead of detached
observation and existing literature? If that’s true, I truly lament the
loss…we’ve become content to be merely fed information without
enquiring, questioning, trying. We’ve stopped evolving, everything is
taken as gospel, ignorance is strength. Our future lies in the hands of
risk adverse people who goes through life with a dull acceptance, being
told what is “right” and “wrong” and like the cattle they are,
integrating that into their belief system.

I will not rationalize my love for experimenting with substances,
since that would require a rational mind, and rational minds are
incapable of thinking outside the box, of breaking free of the need to
conform to society norms, of bending a set of ridiculously rigid rules
and regulations. This statement is based on flawed logic as well, it’s
just there to provide rhythm. :p Ligocaine is merely a local anesthetic
that’s commonly used in hospitals and it’s not meant to be
“recreational”, but I’m interested in trying it anyway. I pursue the
only kind of knowledge I value – personal experience. Does the word
“injecting” really produce such a knee jerk response? Why is there a
stigma associated with self-administrating using syringes, when it’s
done in an educated and safe manner? Do people really think that
syringes are meant to be used exclusively by medical professionals?
It’s not like I’m doing anything unsafe, all equipment is brand new
(the only way it should be) and used only once. Heck, I practice safer
injection procedures than most doctors…at least I swab myself
beforehand.

At any rate, when it comes down to the bottom line, I’m not going to
be harming anyone but myself (and no harm will be done on that front,
rest assured). I firmly believe that this ideology is “right” based on
my principles (yes, contrary to popular belief, I do have principles
:p). I have a straight laced sister who went through medical school in
New Zealand, and she’s now practicing there after graduating in the
upper percentile. I reckon someone has to be the black sheep of the
family, so that leaves me as the de facto candidate. It’s a dirty job,
granted, but somebody’s gotta do it. 😉 Anyway, this taught me a lot
about the staggering limitations of a med school graduate’s knowledge
base and experience. I have little faith in the average GP giving a
proper diagnosis for anything except the common cold. Don’t get me
wrong, I’m not undermining the medical profession*; it’s just that
doctors are all jack of all trades and master of none until they
specialize. I know the pharmacology of the substance (which is more I
can say for some doctors). I’ve had experience with this route of
administration and I stay on the safe side when this route is used.
Doctors and nurses use other people (patients) as guinea pigs during
their training, I use myself.

* It’s only acceptable to do this if you’re involved in the
healthcare industry, based on the “Exclusive Use” guideline e.g. it’s
generally unacceptable to use the n word unless you’re African
American, even if no malicious intent is meant. Of course, it’s more of
a guideline rather than a rule. An example here is the concession of
the racial slur “chink” which I’m technically allowed to use, due to my
Chinese descent, though I don’t remember ever having used it. I’m
disinclined to use any racial slurs due to the superfluous nature of
the terms. I’m partial to the classics when profanity is justified. A
“motherfucker” is a “motherfucker” and a “fuckwit” is a “fuckwit” (to
call a spade a spade), regardless of race or religious affiliation. I
guess my upbringing emphasized mutual respect and inculcated
intolerance towards racism in any form. However, being directly related
to a doctor allows me to take advantage of Bylaw #2 – “Limited use
granted to direct family members” to exercise my liberty to take a
couple of harmless pot shots at the medical profession. 😉

Oh, this reminds me of an unintentionally patronizing GP I saw the
other day who claims to have “studied pharmacology” and “knows better
than laymen about what’s best for them”. I was trying to get DHC
(dihydrocodeine) for my migraine (seriously, I wasn’t scripting) and I
had quite a bit of fun “discussing” (read: correcting) her supposedly
vast pharmacology knowledge about this group of drugs. The first reply
upon my request irked me to no end, so I just couldn’t help myself. She
said that (verbatim) “We don’t prescribe drugs like dihydrocodeine or
codeine here, especially to someone as young as you. To me, if you take
these drugs, you are a drug addict to me. It’s usually meant
for the sick and elderly, to ease them into the next world.” Naturally,
I didn’t take kindly to being called a “drug addict”, especially with
something as tame as DHC/codeine, so I took offence and mentioned that
I wasn’t aware that doctors are trained to pass judgment on their
patients as a value added service, especially with allegations as
serious as the ones she’s making. I also mentioned that I did not know
that such weak opiate agonists would offer much support for palliative
care patients, since I imagine they would have built up a tolerance
that requires stronger pain management medications like fentanyl. It
turns out that her pharmacology knowledge is limited to knowing that
opiate agonists can cause constipation and can be “habit forming” (at
least she used a more appropriate term this time). I told her I’m aware
of all the potential side effects since I’ve been diagnosed as being
allergic to paracetamol/APAP (which is not being untruthful, I drink
alcohol daily, thus paracetamol would do a number on my liver) so I’ve
always been on DHC for my migraines.

She managed a weak “…but, but, you can get high off these
things” before I got tired of her ignorance and told her that I’ll
actually get nauseous and throw up before that would happen. I
questioned her code of ethics for not prescribing the appropriate and
blatently obvious medication under the circumstances. She finally
conceded and scripted me 30 mg codeine without paracetamol/APAP
(claimed I was allergic to most NSAIDs) after deciding it was not worth
risking her reputation in front of the nurse after being politely
corrected the third time by a “laymen” about the pharmacology side of
prescriptions with potential for abuse (which is stepping into my
domain ;)). I’m normally pretty easy going, but this particular
doctor’s hau lien (condescending) attitude needs to be
rectified. Oh, and she asked me if I was a pharmacy or medical school
student on my way out. I still can’t get over my witty reply, it just
came into my head, like the best ones do. I said, “Nah, I’m just a
laymen” and shut the door. 😉 Heh! I must say that I’m usually not like
that, I’m always polite, but this doctor is a disgrace. I was ashamed
to see the plague that shows we graduated from the same alma mater
(Monash University, Australia). I wonder where she learnt to be so anal
with things as tame as DHC/codeine only pills. I could get those OTC in
Sibu for Christ’s sake. I’ve never had problems getting the tricky
controlled scripts like dexamphetamine (dextroamphetamine sulfate – I
have a permanent script in Melbourne!) and flunitrazepam (Hypnodorm,
better known as Rohypnol) over there, so I’m sure she did not taint the
name of my alma mater since she couldn’t have been taught that there. I
digress.

Anyway, lignocaine is an established and very common substance with
practically no recreational value. I have established the dosage and
potential risks, I do research a new substance before administering
(er…usually). We have different aims – I’m not going to pretend I’m
doing this for anything except to experience what lignocaine feels like
myself (the pursuit of personal experience is the aim), while medical
professionals may be holding to some notion that they’re helping other
people (show me someone who’s not in it for the money or the perceived
social status). I’ll be the first one to admit that the way the
lignocaine injection bottle came into my possession is completely
unacceptable and immoral (er…it fell off a truck *cough*). This is
also not an issue about “helping other people”, the medical
professionals do that, yes, it’s their job, they get paid for it. It’s
about the reactions I get from people who seem to think its “wrong” to
experiment with even pharmaceutical grade non-recreational substances.
I’m puzzled at the reactions I get…and I’m now also pissed off that I
wasted all this time on this rant.

Why is it wrong to safely inject myself with a medical grade local
anesthetic in the pursuit of knowledge and personal experience?
Enlighten me…