Nuffnang

*quaff* *gulp* *swallow*

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gobble

*gobble*

munch

*munch*

chew

*chew*

slurp

*slurp*

chomp

*chomp*

scoff

*scarf*

Man, I had to dust off the trusty old thesaurus to find synonyms for eat to write all that. 😉

You know those Wrigley’s New Extra Professional Mints with ridges on the side? I thought it was there just for aesthetics until I was told it’s designed for a very pragmatic purpose. It works just like the tongue scraper you see at the back of your toothbrush:

tongue scraper

I’ve been sucking on those mints all the time without realizing it! It turns out there is a Proper Way (TM) to go about it – the ridges should be against your tongue to reduce germs after a meal to keep your mouth fresh and clean. I was so excited when I discovered this (coz I felt stupid from not seeing the bloody obvious :p) that I’ve been going around doing this:

popcorn

It’s essential to do the vigorous scrubbing motion while chanting “Scrub!” on top of your lungs every time you see someone finish eating.

banana split

It’ll be a compelling experiment to see many times you can do this to your friends before they get really annoyed by it. Trust me; it won’t take long at all, so unless you want to radically downsize your social circle, I suggest you do it online instead.

annoyed

Wrigley’s New Extra Professional Mints is launching a contest where you scrub food from your tongue. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to try to clean your mouth with a mint while burgers, popcorn, pizza and a plethora of other food stuff turns your tongue into their personal house party.

Wrigley New Extra Professional Mints Contest

It is your job, as the steward of this very important organ (it’s not just for tasting the stuff you eat, ya know ;)) to prevent the food from using your tongue as their playground, running amok and getting into all sorts of shenanigans that would lead to your neighbors calling the cops.

The highest score wins a Sony Video MP3 player weekly and the grand prize is a Sony VAIO Pocket Style PC. Flex your gaming muscles and start playing here.

mussels

M&M’s – Mussels & Mints. 😉

TLC – Tender(izing) Loving Care

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massage

Would you like to be worked on like a piece of prime Kyoto beef, massaged and then tenderized before being cooked by hot stones? If your answer is a resounding (or doubtful) yes, you’ve come to the right place! Welcome Sir Moo, to Vila Manja!

manja

Vila Manja is located in Jalan Damai, off Jalan Tun Razak along the multitudes of foreign embassies in that area. Nestled in a quiet alcove which is a converted bungalow, it offers spa and massage packages ranging from foot reflexology to full day pampering sessions that probably only Datins can afford on a regular basis.

beware

The place is amazingly Zen (one of my lame puns) with a water feature I like to call a Sobriety Test (TM) coz you need to be reasonably unimpaired to navigate the stepping stones lest you wind up with the dreaded soaked sneaker. >.<

zen

The interior of the spa is inviting, exuding warmth and ambient lighting. I felt like a baby going back to the womb as I disrobed and started to lie down on the massage table. There is a sarong of sorts covering me to preserve some semblance of propriety and the scented massage oil made the masseur’s skilled fingers feel like a thousand little butterflies gliding across my skin.

spa inside

Bliss! My oasis of peace.

spa

I experienced a Moment of Truth (TM) – a glimpse of the mysteries behind life, the universe and everything before the overwhelming knowledge (and the masseur’s caresses) drove me into a slumber. I am sad to report that I forgot everything about the meaning of life when I woke up, except it was a number. I think it was 6 but then again it could be 4+2 or 42. *shrugs*

food

I adjourned downstairs to join the others for lunch…and a presentation by Fiona on PRUhealth, a new medical plan that Prudential has launched.

presentation

The affable Fiona explained that the average lifespan for Malaysians is 71.7 for males and 76.5 for females. You probably know females live longer than males – the mysterious XX Chromosome factor. Both my grandfathers (maternal and paternal) are six feet under while both my grandmothers are still alive and kicking.

I don’t think I’ll live to see the big 50, but with me as a stellar example; people are getting sick earlier and earlier. New age and lifestyle related illnesses like stroke, blood sugar ultra, diabetes and heart disease is on the increase (hey, it rhymes) and you get more susceptible to it as you grow older.

Coupled with inflation, you can imagine how much a heart bypass (or kidney transplant for me) will cost when you’re old. I really need to get on an insurance plan lest my (forthcoming) kids decide I’ll be better off in a retirement home – out of sight, out of mind. 😉

Okay, here’s another thing about their flexible plan – you can remove the annuals claims limit so you can claim up to the lifetime limit. This would be mighty useful if *knocks on wood* you need to go for major surgery which would exceed the limit of most insurance plans.

fiona

I think this is a great idea since you’ll probably only need to go for one of these procedures once in your lifetime. PRUhealth allows you to claim up to the lifetime limit so you won’t hit the ceiling of the claims limit per year with their special rider plan.

group

It starts from a minimum monthly premium of RM 100 (actual premium will depend on your age and the type of plan you select) and covers you up to age 100. I doubt you’ll live that long, but if you do, hey, don’t forget to give a shout out to me in the Guinness Book of World Records.

snip

…or I’ll snip your finger off. ROAR! 😉

Its Krrunch Time, Get Playful

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Remember the good old days as a kid when you had to actually WAIT by the house phone to get calls and “mobile phones” were the size of a car battery?

old mobile phone

Cell phones, the Internet, (insert 21st century invention) has made everything a lil’ bit impersonal, but I bet our grandparents said the very same thing about the 19th century too. 😉

Now think back to when you were a little kid, doing stuff kids back then do, like talking to your sister in the other room with good old string and paper cups.

paper cup telephone

Yes, I got along better with my sis when we were kids.

I kinda miss that bit.

I happen to live in an apartment that is chock full of students and I can hear distinctively female voices coming from the next unit (that is apparently the master bedroom shared by at least four girls, or so I deduce) which is separated from my bedroom by a 1 foot thick wall.

It’s really hard for me to sleep at night so I like to turn off the monitor, lie there in the dark and think.

One day I had this bright idea to recreate the chatting escapades of my youth. You know how every little project is Krrunch when you’re a kid with a hyperactive imagination? I wanted to recreate the innocence of childhood too. I decided to make PCTN (Paper Cup Telephone a.k.a. two cups and a string) with Pringles cans!

Its Krrunch Time, Get Playful

You will need:
Two (2) Pringles cans
String
Needles

1. Eat the Pringles.
2. Thread the string through the needle and use it to pierce the bottom of the empty Pringles can and knot it.
3. Repeat with the other Pringles can.

pringles convert

Now for this to work the string must be taut and in a straight line so some improvisations in posture might be necessary.

I dangled one side out of the window, and hollered at my neighbors to pick it up.

pringles listening

They didn’t. I have no doubt there was much talk that night about the “crazy guy next door”.

It’s Krrunch Time, Get Playful!

License to chill

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* frosty *

slurpee brain freeze

I had an epiphany while I pressed my tongue against the roof of my mouth. This would make a great Slurpeelicious contest entry!

(but first, a flashback)

slurpee kuching trip 1

The last time I did an entry about Slurpee, I had to walk 1,000 miles to do it. Okay, maybe that’s a wee bit of an exaggeration…I took a boat, and it was only 463 km. The only reason I went there was to drink Slurpee. Seriously. There are no 7-Eleven outlets in Sibu, so the nearest place I could go was Kuching.

slurpee kuching trip 2

I snuck off work early on Saturday (please don’t tell my ex-boss) and took an express (boats in Sarawak are called “express”, not buses) down to Kuching, where Irene picked me up. I was hunting for Mystery Flavor 1 and Mystery Flavor 2 and went to damn near all the 7-Eleven outlets in Kuching before I finally found one that has it.

I went there solely for the Slurpee post and had to catch the boat back the next morning. I nearly missed the cursed express to boot! I calculate that I spent more for that trip than I earned in the advertorial but that’s not the important thing – the important thing is that I enjoyed doing it!

(flash-forward to today)

I only had to walk 5 meters to 7-Eleven this time coz I’m living in Petaling Jaya now, but I still had to…er, brave the rain. Okay, the drizzle! There was a very slight one. Honest!

slurpee 7 11

The Slurpeelicious contest is all about you waltzing into your friendly neighborhood 7-Eleven and taking a photo of yourself in a Slurpeelicious moment and submitting it to Slurpeelicious@nuffnang.com

The Slurpee can be of any size and flavor e.g.

slurpee machine

This here is the rare and mysterious Yellow Raspberry scented with Vanilla Melon Slurpee – a concoction produced by mixing Yellow Melon and Vanilla Raspberry. Trust me; it tastes better than it looks. Layered properly, it’s quite a refreshing drink indeed.

The Slurpee must take up 40% of the entire photo size. I’m not sure how to calculate that but I gather:

slurpeelicious contest wrong

Wrong

slurpeelicious contest right

Right

There’s 6,000 smackeroos in cold (geddit?) hard cash up for grabs if you snag the first prize. To the best of my understanding the prizes are:

First Prize
Cash prize of RM 6,000 and 7-Eleven Gift Certificate of RM 100

Second Prize
Cash prize of RM 3,000 and 7-Eleven Gift Certificate of RM 100

Third Prize
Cash prize of RM 1,000 and 7-Eleven Gift Certificate of RM 100

3 x Consolation Prize
7-Eleven Gift Certificate of RM 100

You can opt to furnish an anecdote of your Slurpeelicious moment with your entry like the haiku here:

The Mariner says
Water water everywhere
Not a drop to drink

Had he lived today
Away from the seven seas
He might have wrote this

Land Ahoy, let’s chill!
My Slurpeelicious moment
Be it land or sea!

slurpeelicious contest entry

I’m sure you can do better. Check out the Slurpeelicious contest details to join!

25 minutes too late

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late for wedding

This ballad by MLTR illustrates the unfortunate series of events of a chronic procrastinator and indecisive specimen of the male species which rendered him unable to pull a Kanye West during the crucial point where the priest goes “Speak now or forever hold your peace.”

Hence the title – 25 minutes too late. I don’t know if anyone out there has experienced something as profoundly life changing and dramatic as the protagonist of the song, but we all know the difference a few minutes makes, albeit in less spectacular situations.

I was in that very same situation last week. No, I didn’t find out that the love of my life was getting hitched to another guy, it was something else. A friend of mine emailed me and attached this photo with the text:

oxycodone

Hey, you’re still having those migraines right? These are slated to be destroyed, wondered if you wanted it.

Alas, I was out at that time and I only checked Gmail three hours later, saw the photo, and immediately replied with such a resounding YES that the Y key of my keyboard promptly cracked.

The reply:
Oops…sorry, I destroyed it already. I thought you didn’t want it.

The primal scream of loss I uttered was heard halfway across the earth. People in the deepest, most remote depths of the Sahara looked up at the skies in terror, mumbling superstitiously and gesturing wildly to ward off evil (or whatever it is the tribes do, I’m just giving an analogy here).

sahara tribes running

You know the punch line right?

This would never have happened if I had preregistered for an Xpax Prepaid BB. 😉

The push email functionality would have allowed me to respond to that message in a timely manner. Sigh…

This is a true story btw, as can be seen by the Ludicrous Watermark (TM) in the second photo. =D

To Arthur!

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black eyed peas

The Black Eyed Peas concert at Arthur Guinness’ 250th birthday bash was a blast! It seems that everyone (defined here as most of the people I know) converged on the surf beach in Sunway to see BEP rock the house.

Headlining acts usually have a tendency to be fashionably late, but BEP came out earlier than scheduled last night. The Greatest Hits of BEP (TM) came on but there were some gems in there too, including a cover (kinda, sorta) of Nirvana’s Smells Like Teen Spirit.

Alas, BEP segued into another song before the famous “Load up on guns/bring your friends” intro etched into every 80’s babies’ angst ridden mind came on. Nirvana was (I use was coz Kurt thought it would be a good idea to put a loaded gun to his head and pull the trigger) huge back then and made Seattle grunge the staple of people born in the late 70’s and early 80’s.

This particular demographic just happened to hit the precarious puberty stage back then, and found solace in Cobain’s angst ridden lyrics.

I digress…

Back to the BEP concert, we were at the Silver Zone, which gave us ample room to move around.
Pros: Free flow of Guinness
Cons: No dSLRs allowed

You can easily sneak one in by getting a friend to enter through the general entrance (where dSLRs are halal) and reclaiming it once inside the venue (where you can comingle). Compact digicams are kosher so the policy was particularly puzzling (yes, today is Alliteration Day).

I only managed to take photos and videos from my crappy cell phone. You may have noticed that from the quality of the images in this post. I tend to forget things easily too, so it would have been good to have a device capable of allowing me to blog on the spot.

You know the punch line. Wait for it. 😉

arthurs day

This is one of the times I wish I have a BB. I’m getting the Xpax Prepaid BB in less than a week, so no more of this delayed blogging nonsense.

“We live and die by time…and we must not commit the SIN of losing our track on time”

Google before you leap

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audrey starbucks penang

I was in Penang over the long weekend and we met up with Audrey and Jack at Starbucks. She happened to have an asthma inhaler with her and I was intrigued by it. She was kind enough to let me use it so I took three (3) hits, inhaling deeply and holding it in.

“I don’t feel anything”, I said.

Audrey looked at me while I sat down and told me it’ll be nice to light one up right about now. I flicked my lighter and proceeded to introduce 4,000 different chemicals to my pulmonary system over the course of two minutes.

asthma inhaler

I picked up my Venti Tazo ice blended and noticed that my hands were shaking visibly. It was like I was having a mini grand mal seizure localized to my paws.

She noticed my hand tremors and nonchalantly mentioned “Oh, and by the way, it takes about 15 minutes for the inhaler to work”.

-_-“

Why didn’t you tell me earlier? Say, before I took 3 hits from the inhaler in quick succession?

audrey asthma inhaler

She was surprised I didn’t get hyper though. I’m already looking forward to the Xpax Prepaid BB so I can Google for information before I start introducing all sorts of weird and wonderful medication into my system. Heh!

Thanks for the inhaler Audrey, it was an…interesting experience. 😉

I would walk 500 miles and I would walk 500 more…

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melbourne shuffle

It’s Hammer Time! (TM). I’ve always maintained that my primary form of exercise is doing the Melbourne shuffle in raves and clubs. I live a pretty sedentary lifestyle – the perils of working long hours in the industry. I’m sure a lot of you out there lack the time to get some proper exercise done due to work and social obligations.

melbourne rave

I swim occasionally and have recently taken up yoga counter my less-than-healthy routine of sitting 12 hours or more per day behind a desk at work. Swimming is convenient for me since I live in a condo so the nearest pool is just a press of the lift button away. However, working 12 hours or more per day can put a toll on your energy levels and often you just want to crash when you reach home. 

swimming

Thus, I’ve started going for yoga lessons in the weekends. It forces me to wake up early, which is a really good thing in retrospect – knowing that you have to drag your sorry ass up early the next day tend to temper your Saturday night shenanigans somewhat. 😉 

yoga pose

Yoga is great for stretching them muscles and it does wonders for your mental health too (an important thing in this stress filled world). I always walk away feeling relaxed and at peace with the world.

adidas trainers

However, I have decided to talk a more proactive approach and monitor just how many steps I walk in a day and subsequently how many calories I burn. I used to have this nifty cell phone which has a step counter but I lost it during one of my ethanol impaired escapades. In a weird twist of fate, I received the very same cell phone as a birthday present this year. 

walk counter

In another interesting turn of events, I got a dedicated step counter from the PRUhealth event I attended. It was specially calibrated to the length of my stride so it’ll be fairly accurate. Mustering up all my determination, I decided to clip it onto my belt and make it a point to walk at least 3,500 steps every day. 

fail

The plan didn’t work very well.

chinese chap fun

I think a lot of it had to do with the fact that I sit in the office for most of the day, unless I’m out for meetings. I even take away lunch to eat at the desk. However, in light of my ailing (?) health and skyrocketing cholesterol levels, I am dead-set (er…perhaps this isn’t the best adjective to use – determined then) to walk more every day. 

car

I’ll park my car at my condo and walk to work instead. I’ll make it a point to take the stairs instead of the lift. I’ll pledge to do my lunch takeaways myself so I can get them plates of meat moving (its Cockney slang) while I get my PM calorie influx. 

scaling mount kinabalu

Just to be the man who walked 1,000 miles to fall down at your door!

Got PRUhealth coverage what. No worries. 😉

Lost

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ppc car keys

I just came back from an ordeal worthy of the series Lost. It happened in a car park instead of a sentient island that moves around, but lost is still sesat. It’s a tribulation worthy of publication in the Reader’s Digest Crisis and Catastrophe anthology.

PPC picked me up since my car was in the workshop and thus I didn’t take a photo of the parking spot when I alighted (which I usually do if I’m the one behind the wheels). Thus, we were thrown way off course when the time came to leave the mall. 

blame

I was assigned to pressing the car key alarm while PPC kept a lookout for her car and Kalai guided us to the path of enlightenment.

We were seriously considering going to the security post and asking for the guard buggy service to ferry us across the massive acreage of the car park when we took a last gamble at Parkson. 

parkson

We spent a WHOLE HOUR searching for the car! WTF! This would have never happened if we had the foresight of taking a photo of the car park space when we parked.

ppc car park lot

Me thinks this is high time for PPC to preregister for the Xpax BB so we won’t have to hike for 60 minutes in the claustrophobic and humid car park.

To add insult to injury, we couldn’t find the car at Solaris, Mont Kiara at our next stop for dinner! OMFG! How can you lose a car in a small place like that?

dinner at boston solaris mont kiara

Answer:

car park lift

We didn’t see the Car Park Elevator. >.<

sixthseal.com in the Malay Mail

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I’ve always wanted to appear in the papers (for a good reason instead of the usual reasons) and I was delighted to see a full page feature in the Malay Mail yesterday:

malay mail

Thank you so much! I’ve always dreamed about what it would be like to maybe appear in the papers someday, but I never actually thought it would have happened. I write crappy satire/parody so thank you so much for giving me a chance to appear on the Malay Mail!

I’ll like to thank Nuffna..

kanye west

Yo HB, I’m really happy for you. Imma let you finish but Xpax has one of the best BB plans of all time! One of the best Blackberry prepaid plans of all time!

Obama

That man is a jackass.

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