What goes up must come down…


i feel terrible…i can hardly bring myself to sit in front of the
hallunications you get from sleep deprivation is aamazing…the
computer and type this. i’m so sleep deprived, i haven’t had anything
to sleep and its been more than three days since i slept. haven’t eaten
anything in many days too, having permanent hallucinations from sleep
deprivation, i can see bars on my computer and they’re moving….
i want to sleep but i can[t
i’ll have to go hardcore with the benzos toite. good thing i have suck a big stash, blobs. i can’t even b fuked tuping properly.
ate and snorted 29 dexamphetamines over ythe course of last nite and
now everything is strange. they’re someone by the window. my closet is
breathing slowly…sleep deprivation sucks you get the worst
hallucinations of them. my dick is a limp piece of jelly from all that
amohetamines and even dirt is moving around on my monitor and its
suddenly so thick.

well dammit this is gonna take days for me to recover from. fucking
depressed and lethargic and colors are all strange, mu orange shirt is
very neon orangeand my white towel is slightly orange. everything
sucks, haven’tslept for so many days….so man y days,,,,

i feel like shit, you know those
it just sucksssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss

wju doen’t everutjomg look rigjt? blur amd tje screen is so thick and
the colors and so wierd adn blobs go awau! my pupils are still dilated
even though its been several hours since my ;ast dose. blobs go awau; i
don’t feel like eating evne though its been
twice i felt this bad. once was when i went kardkore with meth and fucked myself sideways for several daus.
just so that everyuone wont say i’m always glorifying drugs, i’m
telling you the dark side now. a stimulant crash is so fuckked. i wamt
tp nbe happy again. i cam
t ne fucked correcting my spelling mistakes you do it for me if you
want. patterns patterns everwnere. those transparent blobs tjat os
permanantly in my vision. gotta knock myself out with benzos tonite and
get some fuckin sleep thats what i gotta do. blobs go away. bye

Dexedrine (dextroamphetamine sulfate) and fuzzy (not related)

500 mgs of dextroamphetamine loving

Dexedrine. That’s the brand name for dextroamphetamine
[rxlist.com]. Dextroamphetamine is the dextro isomer of amphetamine
sulfate (the street drug called speed). I wonder if dextroamphetamine
and dexamphetamine refers to the same thing. [Edit: I just found out
that dexamphetamine and dextroamphetamine is the same thing.] I’ll
appreciate it if any pharmacy students clears this up in the comments.
It has the same effects as amphetamines and it’s a very controlled
prescription drug, very much more so than benzos, due to it’s addictive
nature. Again, I put my trust in my acting skillz and I got a bottle of
100 x 5 mg tablets for my ‘narcolepsy’ ;). They are white pills with
D/5 on one side and no imprint on the other. The edges are beveled.
It’s the instant release kind, not that time release bullshit. Woo!
From my subjective experiments, I would say that 3 of these pills would
be equal to one of those feng tau yuen pills you get in Malaysia. I’m
talking about the “no sleep” ones that contains (meth)amphetamines, not
the ketamine pills. The “no sleep” feng tau yuen contains the same
chemical anyway.

Well, I took 4 tablets and crushed one up and insufflated it. Whoa!
Dextroamphetamine should really be snorted instead of eaten. It gave me
such a huge head rush when I insufflated it. You have to snort hard and
get all the powder from the pill deep into your sinuses for that rush
though. The drip wasn’t too bad tasting, but snorting more than a
couple of these beauties would clog up your nose really fast.

Mosiac on my real name (used medical insurance coz this stuff is expensive) and the doctor’s name

Well after eating 4 and snorting one, I felt really good.
Amphetamine type feelings, like eating a strong feng tau yuen. Very
energetic and euphoric and I couldn’t stop talking. Hmm…there’s this
saying which goes “Never let a speed freak near you or he’ll talk your
ear off”. Heh. Very true, this one made me very sociable. It doesn’t
cloud your mind either, I could work and read fine.

In fact, my concentration increased (happens with all amphetamines
though) and I felt like my IQ doubled and I could work three times as
fast as I usually could. Of course, I pulled those numbers out of my
ass, and it’s probably just perception but you could really get some
good studying done on these things. Anyway, like all amphetamines there
is a very strong compulsion to have more. After a couple of minutes I
ate another two pills and had another two pills 15 minutes later.

That was when I reached the peak and damn, was it euphoric! It was
amazing, clean and in my opinion a better high than methamphetamines. I
couldn’t sit still and felt absolutely wonderful. I couldn’t go out and
party though coz I had some stuff to do so I thought it was a good idea
to call random people.

I think I called more than 10 people. It felt good just to talk, but
I’m the type of guy that LOVES stimulants. I couldn’t stop smoking too,
another amphetamine type effect I get. I think all smokers chain smoke
while on amphetamines because it somehow feels much better than it does
normally. The buzz was really good, I heard someone call this phenomena
“reward smoking”. It’s when smokers who take amphetamines start to
crave for cigarettes and couldn’t resist the urge to smoke due to some
kind of dopaminergic (sp?) activity amphetamines cause. Don’t quote me
on this though.

I found out that it’s much easier to photograph white pills on a black background using macro mode

Anyway, I smoked a pack of Marlboros and still wanted more. I broke out my Nicorette Inhaler
[nicorette.com.au] and toked hard on that instead. That reminds me,
I’ll write about the Nicorette Inhaler some other time. It’s really
nifty. I had a bit of a panic attack when I couldn’t find the inhaler
stem though. I was all out of cigarettes and I had a craving from hell
and the inhaler was nowhere to be found! I practically overturned my
room and finally found it. Nothing has ever looked so beautiful before.
I smoked all the 4 remaining nicotine cartridges. I was still fiending
after that so I smoked half a cigarette that I used to mix with
cannabis. Ugh, stale. I usually smoke cannabis alone, but sometimes a
bit of tobacco makes it good as well.

Anyway, I called one of my good friends and talked to her for a long
time. We really connected too, it’s kinda like MDMA in that sense. I
also talked to someone I haven’t seen in 5 years and it was great! I
had a nice long chat with her about everything and made up for lost
time. I also got this bright idea to call fuzzy (Stephanie Goh)
[absolutely-fuzzy.com] in New Zealand. :) Surprisingly, the rates to NZ
were much higher than to Malaysia for some reason. I’m in Australia if
you’re wondering. I could only talk for 15 minutes on an A$10 card. It
was the Super Saver Card.

I was lazy to go out so I called my friends to see if anyone had a
spare calling card. No one had any, but one of my friends picked me up
to get a calling card at 7-11. What a nice guy eh? Drove out just to
get me to the nearest 7-11 to grab a calling card. :) The calling card
was It’s Green Card and I called Stephanie again and could also
only talk for 15 minutes. How strange, I’ve always thought NZ rates
were very, very low. Something like 3 cents a minute or something. What
is wrong with these cards? NZ is nearer and yet the per minute charges
were higher.


Well, Stephanie is a really nice girl and very easy to talk to. I
still think she speaks too fast though. :) I’m glad I called her. She
was drinking coffee at home when I called. She’s one of those friendly
people that’s easy to talk to so that’s good coz I originally wanted to
call just to hear what her voice sounded like. Heh. We talked about
Wanganui and Melbourne and some other stuff. I also remembered
discussing raves vs clubs.

I can’t remember much though, I had too much clonazepam tablets in
the past few days and that totally negates short term memory.
Fortunately my long term memory was pretty much unaffected so words
like “Saddle”, “Lai Ming” and such were used in the conversation. :)

Anyway, over the course of the night I took 11 dextroamphetamine
tablets and insufflated 2 for a total of 13. The first dose was very
euphoric but boosting the dose didn’t really do much except prolong the
high. Don’t chase the high with this one. I’m feeling very scattered
towards the end and could hardly hold up my end of the conversation.
Uh, like all amphetamine type stimulants it shrunk my member to the
size of a pea and I found it very hard to take a piss too. It was all
good fun though. Dextroamphetamine is dangerous for me…I just like it
too much! I love stimulants in general. I’m going to make drugs a
weekend thing instead of a daily thing from now on. Gotta be careful

Amphetamines are addictive for me coz I love their stimulating
effects so much so I have to be really careful with it. In fact, I’m
thinking about popping a couple right now. The bottle is just there
seducing me! Dammit, me and my poor self control with regards to drugs.
I’ll just settle for one last one before locking it into my desk. I
hate myself. :( I haven’t eaten anything for two days too. Amphetamines
= appetite suppressant.

Amphetamine type stimulants are actually a really good way to diet.
It works through three ways – appetite supression, increased metabolism
and exercise. Exercise coz you feel like you gotta do something to keep
you busy. I’m not recommending this diet though, but I’ve used it
before and the results were shocking! I lost 15 kgs in a week after
daily use with minimal food (no appetite).

[Edit: I keep eating more and more pills…too compulsive! :( ]

Total dextroamphetamine tablets consumed: 21 x 5 mg tablets for a total of 105 mgs.

That is still within the safe range. I think.

I’ll write the

Project Doctor Shopping

Episode II – Project Divine Stimulation

Traveling at the Speed of Light

another day.

I’m feeling very scattered now. Good for going to a rave and really
caning it but not so good for doing work. I’ll take less next time.

Stimulants + no sleep + no food = crash

I’m not looking forward to tomorrow…

What’s the difference between doctors and drug dealers again? ;)

Possessing this class of presciption drugs without a prescription will
get you arrested. Seriously, it’s heavily regulated and you need a
doctor’s script.

It only takes 26 muscles


I keep a journal of sorts on my PDA because I get “stoner
epiphanies” sometimes and I usually forget them before I even have a
chance to write them down! Smoking weed and taking high doses of
benzodiazepines with alcohol daily is taking a heavy toll on my short
term memory. I’m going to adopt a “no benzos or alcohol except during
weekends” policy starting from the 9th of March. Cheers to a close
friend of mine who made me reevaluate the frequency of my recreational
drug usage. You know who you are. Thanks! :)

Anyway, that was not what I wanted to talk about. I was on that “bye
bye short term memory” combo this evening before I went out with a
couple of friends. I was snapping pictures of buildings along the way,
it’s so fun to do while on drugs. Anyway, we soon pulled up to this
building where one of our friend lives and while waiting for her to
come down, I was being shutter happy and taking pictures of everything.
There was this pretty girl standing outside a bar SMSing or something
and she turned away when she saw me taking pictures of the building she
was in front of.

Well, I thought she was unhappy about my unintentional intrusion
because she started walking to the side but she soon came back to the
same spot and continued with her SMS action. She probably just did not
want to block my photo of the nicely ancient building. Well, the story
of this rather pointless post was that we passed by her while driving
out of the lane and she looked at me so I gave her a friendly smile and
she smiled so sweetly and happily back that I couldn’t help but feel
pleased. I thought that was nice of her coz not many people smile to
strangers nowadays. I had an epiphany about human nature right about
then too, but as usual, I forgot about it…

I don’t know what I’m talking about half the time, it’s so all over the place.

All I know is people should smile more often.

Lock Your Door

Lock Your Door
It is your responsibility to ensure that you lock the door to your
bedroom whenever you are not in your room. If you do not lock your
door, you risk having your personal property stolen. Even if you leave
your room for “just a minute”

I just saw this sticker stuck on my door today. It was stuck on
every single door in our halls. It’s sad that living in a community
does have some bad elements as well. Personally, I’ve only been shafted
twice and only once was from my room. I am notorious for not locking my
room when I go out, partly out of a belief that people are generally
honest and partly because I hate having to dig though my pockets for my
key when my hands are full.

I’ve had a fridge stolen two semesters ago, but that wasn’t from my
room. I had stored it in the common room as required by the regulations
when I went back for the mid semester break and when I came back, it
was gone. The resident advisor’s records showed someone claiming to be
me checking it out and moving out. Oh well. I guess I’ll have to store
my Marquis reagent in the common fridge from now on. I’m kidding of
course. No, I’m really kidding so don’t go rooting around the fridge.

Anyway, the second time was when I left this really nifty A$24.95
can opener in the common sink. When I came out to wash it, it was gone,
and I thought that was the end of it so I got another cheaper one. A
week after it disappeared, it mysteriously appeared again at the same
place again. So I guess this qualifies as “borrowing” but he/she could
have at least asked me. What am I supposed to do with two can openers?

The third time was when someone took cash out of my room while I was
taking a shower. My room was right beside the shower then and my door
creaks distinctively when it’s opened. While I was taking a shower, the
door creaked and I shouted “I’m in the shower, I’ll be out in a sec so
just sit around a while” coz the walls are thin and they can hear me
from my room. I thought it was a friend, but the person didn’t answer
me and soon after that, the door creaked closed again. I returned to my
room to see that the A$10 I put on my keyboard to remind myself to get
a calling card was missing.

The guy rummaged around a bit too coz my room was messier than
usual, but he didn’t find my wallet so I think the most he got away
with was A$10 and some change that was on the table. Heh. I don’t think
it was done by a ressie (resident) though. Must have been someone not
from the halls. Oh well, it’s just A$10 so that wasn’t that big a deal.
But I did lock my door after that, although I’ve gone back to the habit
of not locking my door again.

I believe most ressies are honest people anyway (me = idealist), and
these things don’t happen all that often. I wonder why the management
decided to stick this new sticker on everyone’s room…I didn’t think
theft was such a big problem here.

Stuff like single serve ice creams, dairy food, yogurt, juice and
beer have a mysterious habit of disappearing from the community fridge
though. :)

Wet farts

The stained seat of my pants

I’m wondering whether I should post this at all since it’s so
disgusting. After much contemplation, I thought “what the heck”. :)
This happened today. I had just woken up. That’s my comfy old PJs you
see. Anyway, there I was, sitting up after waking and turning on the
computer. It’s just within arms reach because you won’t believe how
small the room in our halls are.

I have a small bed that’s so small that everyone who sees it thinks
I’m going to fall off the bed the moment I turn. Beside my bed is my
table. That’s the only table provided by halls in the room and there’s
no space left to upgrade your table should you feel the desire to. I
have a chair in front of the table. On the table, is the computer.
There is not an inch of space between the bed, chair and table.

There is no way to pass through unless you jump over the chair.
Anyway, that’s how small my room is but I don’t know why I am talking
about this. Well, anyway, I just woke up and turned on the computer to
check my mail. I felt a fart coming on. That’s normal, I have very
regular bowel movements. I have to go very soon after I wake up. Well,
I let it go and noticed something uncharacteristic about the
flatulence. It felt…wet.

I turned around to look at myself. I didn’t really even have to since I already felt it before I saw it. I wasn’t wearing anything under my PJs. Slimy. Accidents do happen. Oops!

Sorry if I disgusted anyone. :)

Hoa Tran @ Springvale

Hoa Tran @ Springvale

I went with my friends to Springvale for lunch this afternoon. Or
was it yesterday afternoon? I’m very, very disturbed at the disastrous
loss of my short term memory, which I hope is not permanent. I also
hope that I can remember things I’ve only said two minutes ago without
having concentrate for two full minutes but that’s a different story.

Interior 1 of Hoa Tran

Anyway, I’m pretty sure it happened today, yeah I’m sure of it. We
went to Springvale and went hunting for someplace to eat where we
haven’t eaten before. We stumbled upon this place called Hoa Tran
somewhere in Springvale.

Interior 2 of Hoa Tran

The interior was pretty nice, had some statues and such around the
place. I had broken rice with pork chop and everything. It’s very nice,
especially when you pour all of the chili on top of the dish. I’ve
always used to do that since I first had broken rice in Good Dragon at
Monash College. I had a friend in college who used to mix every sauce
(oyster sauce, fish sauce, soy sauce, BBQ sauce, chili sauce etc)
together with salt and SUGAR and use it as a dip. Sick, sick fuck.
That’s what I thought until I tasted it. It was strangely disturbing,
yet great!

Vietnamese Broken Rice with everything :)

I digress. Anyway, the pork chop broken rice (with everything hehe!)
was good. The egg tasted really nice for some reason and the sauce was
great too. It’s cheap as well, it cost A$7 and it comes with soup.
Anyway, everyone came back to my place after that and we watched movies
and I copied some HK movies over to my hard disk. I love showing the
explicit version of Prodigy – Smack My Bitch Up and Cradle of Filth –
From the Cradle to the Enslave to people who hasn’t watched them
before. :)

Link of the day: Buy Ecstasy and speed legally over the counter! [news.com.au],

So called “party drugs”, including ecstasy and speed, would be
sold in licensed drug shops by medically-qualified staff at prices
which would undercut the black market.

Vote for the Greens! I would do so too if I lived in NSW and I was a citizen. :)

P/S – Please read veritas’s report below. He tool 4 hours to write
it (not including the pictures) and many hours of actual field work.

I hate ants!

From: Ba Kua comments [sixthseal.com]


But teddybwear
[blogspot.com], it looks like this! I couldn’t even bear to open the
paper bag wider coz it was INFESTED with ants. It was so all over the
ba kua it looked like the ba kua has somehow doubled in size! Some of
them even tried to crawl up my arm before I chucked it into the bin.

P/S – Please read veritas’s report below. He tool 4 hours to write
it (not including the pictures) and many hours of actual field work.

Project Doctor Shopping I – Project Deep Sedation

Project Doctor Shopping

Episode I – Project Deep Sedation

The Quest for the Holy Benzodiazepine

Happy days are here again

Success rating chart:

0/5 Nothing
1/5 No recreational pharmaceuticals
2/5 Small amount of benzodiazepines
3/5 Medium amount of benzodiazepines
4/5 Large amount of benzodiazepines
5/5 Permanent script

Let us dream and sleep tonight

Note: This is very long, but if you read everything, I’ll love you so much! Thanks! :)


Recreational drug user branching into doctor shopping

Mr. Breathing Exercises
New age guy who’s very interested in breathing exercises

Benzo Nazi
Doctor who is very stingy with benzodiazepines

Benzo Gestapo
Doctor who lectures you about the evils of benzos before very reluctantly prescribing

The Angel
Nice counselor who would be very helpful if you really have problems. God bless you.

Benzo Messiah
Doctor who breaks out with the script, no questions asked

Note:Identifying clinic names have been changed to XXX and doctor’s real names have been replaced with pseudonyms.

Part I Mr. Breathing Exercises

Location: University of XXX Counseling Service

I walked into the place because it’s free and they have clinical
psychiatrists which I assumed would be able to script me some benzos. A
counselor invited me into his room and talked to me about my ‘anxiety
problem’. I told him I’ve had panic attacks before and I’m feeling
anxious and unable to sleep recently and I nearly had a panic attack
again so that’s why I came in today. I said I was just lying in bed and
for no reason my heart started pounding really hard and I couldn’t
breath. I thought I was going to have a heart attack and I felt sure I
was going to die.

During all that, I kept fidgeting and tried to look strung out and
anxious. The counselor said it sounds like I have a very bad anxiety
problem and wanted to teach me some breathing exercises. I wanted to
steer the conversation to medication so I casually mentioned that I was
prescribed Valium when I had a bad panic attack a couple of years ago.
I didn’t say it like that, it was like “Hmm…I was given something
called…hmm…I think it was called Valium? and it really helped me a
lot”. He said “Oh, that’s good, but I’m not a doctor so I can’t script
you anything”.

At that point, I was ready to walk out the door, but out of
politeness, I didn’t. He taught me breathing exercises to help control
my ‘panic attacks’. After 15 minutes he looked at the clock and said
“Oh, we have 30 minutes left so let me teach you another technique”.
God save me…I was just here to bum a script. Well, the counselor was a
nice guy so I just smiled and nodded politely when he taught me ways to
control my ‘anxiety disorder’. Do you feel calmer now? Yeah it really
work’s doesn’t it? Yes, yes I said while thinking “Can I please go
now?”. :) He’s a really nice dude though, so I didn’t want to be rude.


My handwriting is very distinctive, so…

A card with a list of things to do to control my ‘anxiety disorder’

Cost of consultation: A$0 – it’s a free service

Cost of medication: N/A

Success rating: -1/5
That’s for making me sit for 15 minutes practising breathing exercises!

Part II Benzo Nazi Visit #1

Location: University of XXX Health Service

This time I went to a real GP (doctor) at the university’s clinic. I
didn’t change my story from the first experiment but I embellished it a
bit. I said I had several panic attacks that I couldn’t control and I
checked myself into a hospital once because I really thought I was
going to die. I also mentioned I haven’t slept for several days and I
have a recurring anxiety problem. The doctor said not many Malaysian
students come in for anxiety problems and said it’s great that I would.
I said I wouldn’t come in too, except I had a really bad panic attack
yesterday and it’s affecting my studies. I stressed on the fact that I
couldn’t sleep and asked if there’s anything that would help me sleep
coz things gets strange after a while when I don’t sleep. I also said I
was given Valium before and it helped a lot with sleep.

Doctor: Have you ever taken any drugs? Ecstasy? Marijuana?
Me: No, I don’t take drugs. (lying through my teeth but maintaining eye contact)
Doctor: Do you go to clubs? Raves?
Me: No. (lying through my teeth and maintaining eye contact but wondering wtf this has got to do with anything)
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No…well, only during special occasions like Chinese New Year.
(again lying through my teeth but added an extra bit for realism)
Doctor: Well, I’m going to put you on something that’s going to help
you with the anxiety and panic attacks. Let me see if I have a sample

The doctor goes out of the room while I cross my fingers and hope
for benzos. The doctor comes in with: Zoloft (sertraline). Oh man…that
has zero recreational potential. I was trying to discourage him from
that and asked “Does it have any side effects?”. He said “Yes, there’s
quite a few” and told me about it. I tried to look doubtful but he said
he wants to try this before anything else. He said that even though it
might increase my anxiety as first, I should not stop taking one every
morning. I did not take any of course.

Temazepam tablets

He then reached into a drawer and gave me three tablets in a blister
pack. “Here, this is to help you sleep”. I wanted to smile so badly coz
it’s almost certainly benzos but I kept a poker face and asked again
“Does it have any side effects?”. Just for the sake of realism you
know. He said not to take it with alcohol and only take one a day. He
also told me to come back again next week and tell me how it goes.

Temazepam blister pack – back view

I thanked him and could barely walk out of the room before reaching
into my pocket and reading the blister pack. Temazepam. 10 mg tablets
marked under Normison. Woo hoo, that’s better than nothing. I had it with some alcohol and cannabis [sixthseal.com] and it felt great.



7 x 50 mg Zoloft (sertraline) – no recreational potential

Temazepam blister pack – front view

3 x 10 mg Normison (temazepam) – a benzodiazepine

Cost of consultation: A$0 – used Medibank Private (health insurance)

Cost of medication: FREE

Success rating: 2.5/5
The extra 0.5 is coz it was free! :)

Part III Benzo Gestapo

Location: XXX Road Clinic

Disappointed at the meager returns from my previous endeavors, I
decided a change in story is required. This time I didn’t use my
Medibank Private health insurance. That is because my personal
information and medical history is inside and I was planning to tell a
WHOPPER of a story this time. I filled in my details as Tan Kim Leong
and put a fake address and waited in the waiting room. A nurse came out
soon after.

Nurse: “Kim? Kim Leong?”
Me: (thinking) Who the hell is that guy who’s holding up the line?
Nurse: “Do we have a Kim Leong in here?”
I looked around the room.
I was the only Asian.
The nurse looked at me
Nurse: “Kim?”
I gave her a blank look.
Nurse: “Are you Kim?”
Oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck! I put Kim Leong down as my name! Stupid me! I didn’t even remember that! /kicks myself
Me: “Yeah, I’m Kim, sorry to have kept you waiting. I kinda zoned out a bit there.”
Nurse: “That’s okay, come on in”

Note to self: If you’re going to use a fake name, at least REMEMBER it, dumbass!

I went into the doctor’s office and told the doctor that I arrived in Melbourne on Wednesday (it was a Friday then).

Doctor: How can I help you?
Me: Well…..I had a bit of a…I guess you can call it a nervous breakdown about a month ago and I had to go to the hospital.
Doctor: What happened?
Me: Nothing, I was just sitting there, eating with my family when I
totally freaked out. I thought I was going to die. My heart was
pounding so hard and I couldn’t breath and the walls seem to close in
on me. I was so convinced I was going to die! The people at the
hospital refered me to a GP and I was diagnosed with panic disorder.
I’ve been put on this medication called…Klonopin I think it was. It’s a
round blue tablet with a K inside and I’m supposed to take it once a
Doctor: Klonopin. Let me check the database. Ah, its clonazepam. What happened then?
Me: Well, I came here on Wednesday and I had a month’s worth of tablets
with me and the customs officer seized it coz I didn’t have an
Australian doctor’s prescription. I didn’t even want to come to a
doctor but I couldn’t sleep and I had a very bad panic attack so I
called my mom and she called my doctor and the doctor said not to stop
taking it suddenly and asked me to see someone here. I tried to go to a
pharmacist but they said I had to get a doctor’s prescription.
(Man, I’m telling absolute whoppers here)
Doctor: Hmm…well that’s a very bad drug.
Me: Why is that? (pretending to be ignorant)
Doctor: It’s addictive
Me: IT’S ADDICTIVE?!?!? The doctor didn’t tell me that! (a bit of overacting but to keep the image right, you understand)
Doctor: Yeah, its very bad for you. I’ll teach you some breathing exercises to help control your panic attacks.

Oh God…not again…

Anyway, after the longest 10 minutes I ever experienced, the doctor
said, I’ll script you some tablets, but only take them if it’s

Doctor: (coming really close and looking me in the eye) Do you take
drugs? Amphetamines? Speed? Ecstasy? Heroin? Marijuana? LSD? (he
rattled off dozens of drug names and street terms, I’m not kidding!)
Me: (forcing myself to look straight into his eye) No, I don’t take drugs and I never have.

I was expecting lightning to strike me down on the spot. Please forgive me God. :)

I put mosiac on the address coz it’s just some address I passed by
while on my way to the clinic. It belongs to someone else, so I didn’t
want to show it. Also edited out the script number and doctor’s
signature. Don’t want to cause anyone any problems. Needless to say, my
real name is not Tan Kim Leong :)

Well, after that he broke out his script pad and he said it’s not the
same ones I got, but it’s similar in action. He reiterated the
addictive nature of benzos and told me to use the breathing exercises
instead of the tablets unless its absolutely necessary. He scripted me
20 x 5 mg Valium (diazepam) tablets.

I went to the pharmacist to cash in my script and got 50 x 5 mg
tablets instead of 20 x 5 mg tablets! The mind BOGGLES! The script
clearly said:
Diazepam tablets (5 mg)
Quantity: 20 (TWENTY)

The pill container said it contains 50 x 5 mg tablets. I took every
pill out and counted it and sure enough there were 50 inside! What
luck! Thank you Soul Pattinson Chemist for making a mistake giving me
20 extra tablets! That’s 50 mgs extra diazepam goodness. Haha!


Antenax – generic Valium (diazepam). That’s not my real name.

50 x 5 mg Antenax (generic Valium) (diazepam)

Cost of consultation: A$35 – didn’t use Medibank Private to support my whopper of a story

Cost of medication: A$10.65

Success rating: 3/5

Part IV The Angel

Location: XXX Community Mental Health Services and Counseling

This one looks promising. I went inside and made an appointment to
see a psychiatrist. A psychiatrist came out soon and invited me to her
office. She was very friendly and emphatic (psychiatrists are trained
that way) and I felt sorry about telling her my whopper of a story. It
was the same one I told in Part #3 Benzo Gestapo. She was extemally
symphetathic and was very apologetic because she said there are no
doctors here so she couldn’t script me the Klonopins. She was very
helpful and showed me where to go (because my whopper of a story said I
just came here two days ago) and kept on saying how terrible it was to
be under such stress right after coming here and how sorry she was for

She went out of her second floor office and walked with me to show
me where the nearest clinic was. I felt really, really bad at this
point coz I was just faking a story to get a script and she bought it.
:( She even walked with me the other way to show me where the
pharmacist was so I can cash my script after I get it. :( That was
beyond the line of duty. I’m sorry! I was lying just to get a script
but your empathy is not wasted. I shower your firstborn with blessings
from the bottom of my heart. Thank you very much, you’re a very good
counselor and I’m sure your real patients think the same and appreciate

Sympathy and a sincere respect for counselors

Cost of consultation: A$0 – they don’t charge

Cost of medication: N/A

Success rating: 0/5

Part V Benzo Nazi Visit #2

Location: University XXX University Health Service

I had made an appointment for one week after the first visit so here
I am again. It’s free anyway. I told the doctor I still hasn’t been
able to sleep and the Zoloft made me so nauseous I could not bare to
take it after 5 days. I got that side effect from rxlist.com
[rxlist.com] – the scripter’s friend. :) It was the highest incidence
among test subjects so I had already decided to use that excuse.

Doctor: What about the tablets for sleep? Did you finish that?
Me: (thinking) Of course I did, ate them on the same day with alcohol and cannabis even.
Me: (saying) No, I only took two because it didn’t help me sleep at all.

Why did I say that?

1.Saying I didn’t take all meant I’m not a benzo abuser

2.It also says that temazepam is not strong enough for me so hopefully a more powerful benzo will be prescribed

Front of brand name Valium blister pack

Well, the doctor said he’s going to put me on something new and went
out to get a sample pack. He came back with a box of Aropax
(paroxetine). -.- For crying out loud…why doesn’t he just script me
benzos. I was obviously steering him towards it. Now I’ve gotta give a
reason as to why I can’t take Aropax. Anyway, if you didn’t know, stuff
like Zoloft and Aropax is not recreational. You just don’t get high off
them but it has valid therapeutic uses.

Good thing he also gave me 3 x 5 mg Valium (diazepam) for sleep so
the trip was not a total waste. Everything was free anyway, so I can’t
complain. He told me to take the Aropax the same way and said its not a
first line defense against anxiety disorder so I’ll have to see him
next week again and see how it goes.


Back of brand name Valium blister pack

3 x 5 mg Valium (diazepam)

Aropax (paroxetine)

10 x 20 mg Aropax (paroxetine) – no recreational value

Cost of consultation: A$0 – Medibank Private insurance

Cost of medication: FREE

Success rating: 2.5/5
Again, the extra 0.5 coz it’s free.

Part VI Benzo Messiah

Location: XXX Medical Clinic

This one has a large sign behind the counter which says:

We DO NOT prescribe:
Or any other benzodiazepine and narcotics

This doesn’t sound good at all. I filled up the new patient form
anyway and put my faith in my acting abilities. I was so dumb as to
write my real family name at first. Force of habit, ya know. I crossed
it out several times before putting Tan Boon Hock as my alias. The
receptionist took one look at my crossed out form and regarded me with
extreme suspicion. Oops!

I had to wait a long time too coz this clinic was very busy. I
noticed that each patient was with the doctor for only 3 minutes! Isn’t
that amazing? Anyway, it was soon my turn and this time I remembered my
alias. :p It was Tan Boon Hock if you want to know. Heh! Well, I went
to the doctor’s office and told him about my problem.

It was the same “customs confiscated my Klonopin” story except I now
said I had been diagnosed with panic disorder for a year and I have
been on clonazepam for 8 months (instead of the previous 2 weeks
story). Personally, I think that this a better cover story because you
can get seizures and other withdrawal symptoms if you suddenly stop
from a long term course of benzos.

Why am I so keen on clonazepam? Well, I have easy access of Xanax
(alprazolam) when I’m in Malaysia and I take that often then so I
wanted something different. Clonazepam is the same strength to
alprazolam when compared milligram to milligram but clonazepam doesn’t
take effect until 1-2 hours while alprazolam is pretty mush instant.
However, clonazepam lasts heaps longer, and I haven’t had it before so
I’m keen to try it.

Anyway, the doctor says he’s not familiar with Klonopin and flipped
through some drug database book. I didn’t want to say clonazepam coz
that makes it sounds like I’m too familiar with the drug. I wanted to
play the ignorant patient, not the knowledgeable scripter. I said it’s
a blue pill with a K shape inside. I could say K shaped perforation,
but that doesn’t fit the ignorant patient image does it?

Doctor: Ah, I’ve found it! It must be this one. Clonodine.
Me: (thinking) Oh my God, no, that’s an anti-hypertensive for high blood pressure.
Me: (speaking) No, that’s not the one. It’s K-l-o-n-o-p-i-n.
Doctor: It could be this one, things may be under different brand names over here. I’ll write a script for you.


Time for something drastic!

Me: Hmm…er, I think…I THINK its also called clonazepam. I’m not sure though.
Doctor: Ah! Clonazepam. Let me read the book and see if I’m allowed to prescribe that.
(riffling for a while)
Doctor: Yes, I’ll write a script for that. How much did you say you’re taking again?
Me: (thinking) Yes! Yes! Yes! Wipe that smile off your face before you give yourself away.
Me: (speaking) I was taking it twice a day.

Doctor writes Paxam (generic clonazepam) and 100 tablets on the script.

/me shouts for joy. Again script numbers, doctor’s signatures and such have been applied a mosiac.

Not out loud of course.

Doctor: How many mgs were the tablets? 2 mg?
Me: I don’t know, it was a blue pill. (FUCKING OVERACTING! WHY COULDN’T I JUST SAY YES?)
Doctor: Hmm…there’s no blue pill in the book.
Me: Well, I just take a blue pill twice a day.
(I wanted to say 2 mg then but I didn’t want to blow it by sounding like I had “drug seeking tendencies”)
Doctor: Twice a day? It could be 0.5 mg then.

Doctor writes 0.5 mg next to Paxam.

I curse the most obscene obscenities in my head.

Me: Thank you very much doctor.
Doctor: No worries, just get the pharmacy to call me if they have problems with the script. Okay? Good.

And then he rushed out to see the next patient.
Total time spent: 3 minutes

I love this doctor, he’s so busy that he just wants to work through the patients quickly.

From now on, I dub thee DR. FEELGOOD. I know who to visit next time
I want some benzos. Thanks doctor, you made me feel so much better
already. Hell, I’m practically cured from my ‘anxiety disorder’. ;)


Clonazepam love

100 x 0.5 mg Paxam (generic Klonopin) (clonazepam)

Cost of consultation: A$45 (!) but it’s worth it coz the street prices would be much higher

Cost of medication: A$18.85

Success rating: 4.5/5
The extra 0.5 coz it’s very possible to get a permanent script off Dr. Feelgood.

I’m still kicking myself over not saying yes when he asked whether
it was 2 mg. :( I could have 200 mg of clonazepam goodness instead of a
comparatively paltry 50 mg. Did you know that I said “Fuck, I’m so
stupid” loudly and countless times while walking to the pharmacy? Oh,
the lost chance to get 100 x 2 mg clonazepam. :( Seriously, I did that.
People must have thought I was fuckin bonkers…

Oh well, at least I got 100 x 0.5 mg. 100 x 0.5 mg comes up to 50 mg
of clonazepam so that’s nothing to sniff about. That’s 20 doses
assuming you take 5 mg + alcohol + cannabis.

Project Deep Sedation
Episode I
The Quest for the Holy Benzodiazepine



100 x 0.5 mg clonazepam (Klonopin)
50 x 5 mg diazepam (Valium)
3 x 10 mg temazepam (Restoril)
3 x 5 mg diazepam (Valium)

You have to be economical with the truth especially when they ask you
about any drug usage. This is a red flag that you could be a scripter.

Use your health insurance card sparingly. They collate information
and if they happen to notice you’re seeing different doctors and
getting scripts for restricted drugs off them all you’re going to be
flagged as doctor shopping.

Don’t cash scripts at the same pharmacy. You would look very
suspicious if you went up with a fistful of scripts for benzos from
different doctors.

Ba Kua


This is the first time I’ve ever seen ba kua (rou kang) in
Melbourne! It’s at a small store at the south entrance of Springvale
Shopping Center. Guess how much a slice costs? A$2.50! Personally, I
haven’t seen ba kua going for RM5 in Malaysia so that sounds steep to
me. It’s pretty good though.

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