1. On people
2. The nature of friendship
3. Judge not, lest ye be judged yourself
4. Life
5. Friendship defined
life
Love each other as I have loved you
It has been a while since I last attended a church service. By “a while” I actually mean 18 years (!!!). I stopped going when I was 13 – it used to be a family affair before that. We’ll all go for the 7:30 am English worship service followed by brunch.
I’ve been meaning to find a church that I’m comfortable with in KL and made a promise to myself that I’ll start looking last Sunday but since I was in Indonesia, today was the first day I stepped foot inside one.
Wesley Methodist Church is a relatively small assembly in Sibu that my family goes to. It can best be described as a conservative Methodist church with strong fundamentalist teachings. The service is very orderly, quiet and steeped in tradition.
I told my dad of my intention to join them for the morning service – my dad is very involved in the church, he’s one of the ushers today so we had to go earlier. I wolfed down a huge chunk of chocolate generously spread with peanut butter (buried would be a better word, I scooped up a good quarter of the contents of the jar) and we all arrived well before the service started.
I was surprised that a lot of the older members of the congregation still recognize me. I didn’t see a lot of new faces, it doesn’t attract a lot of young people due to the reserved and orthodox nature of the church.
Don’t expect loud music and fervent singing, it’s all about solemn hymns with subdued piano music here. I don’t think the church believes in any music written after 1900. 
I did enjoy the service though. I sat beside my mom while my dad was performing his duties as an usher. I remember as a kid, we always looked forward to eating at our favorite places right after Sunday service but I quit going to church when I went to high school.
I went for brunch with my parents at my dad’s favorite kampua place after that. The kampua is quite different from Sibu’s normal kampua. It’s somewhere in between kampua and kolo mee. This is the part I miss the most, spending quality time with my parents!
I got my mom and dad batik from Jakarta and we’re going to have a nice sit-down dinner later to celebrate Father’s Day.
It’s good to be back! 🙂
My mom’s battle with lung cancer
It has been three months since I last saw my mom. She picked me up from the airport this morning and I noticed some physical changes – particularly a really aggressive acne-like rash all over her face and upper body. It’s more visible in real life, but my mom’s a fighter.
She was diagnosed about two years ago and opted for lung surgery in New Zealand. However, that didn’t really work out and she went on chemotherapy and then radiotherapy (which explains the hair loss, it’s more noticeable around the eyebrows) which forced it into remission for a bit before it the cancer returned again.
My mom switched her medication recently and she told me she’s not particularly curious about how it works. I know it’s a TKI and it costs an insane amount of money. The side effects are really intense – the skin condition being the most dangerous since it can be fatal if not monitored properly. Yes, this drug can kill you in rare cases, but the same is true for all medication.
However, the FDA has approved it for certain types of advanced lung cancer where chemotherapy alone has failed. It improves the overall survival rate by 19% when used together with chemotherapy and the manufacturer claims it extends life by 3.3 months when the end game comes. It is rather expensive though – the single dose per day tablet costs RM 300.
It’s a patented drug that will only expire in 2020 although there is another pharmaceutical company embroiled in a lawsuit for producing generics for the Indian market (who won’t be able to afford the patented drug anyway).
This means the medication alone will cost RM 9,000 per month. The other ancillary costs like PET scans, tumor marker tests, hospital bills etc hasn’t been factored in yet and I’ve been meaning to contribute more to help defray the costs. Her health and life insurance company are covering only 21-23% of the health caring costs due Lung Cancer being one of the most deadliest diseases in womens, what I find really unfair because my mom never smoke a single cigarette on his entire life or even were exposed to chemical harmful vapors… fortunately we had found a viatical settlement provider that may accept her life insurance policy of Best Medicare supplement plans 2020 in exchange for instant paper money to cover her full treatment.
My mom has bandages on most of her fingertips due to the rash (it looks like acne – raised pimples and patches) so I’ve been helping around the house. I just realized that our kitchen sink is built really low – got a backache just from washing all the dishes inside.
However, I’m glad I came home. I’ll be here for a week, all the better to spend some time with my mom and dad. 🙂
Running on empty
I have a tendency to chuck stuff into my car’s dashboard. I was driving my friend back last night and took a folder out. I had a stack of paper completely blocking the dash – didn’t even know I was low on fuel before I decided to check the fuel indicator.
I was horrified to see it was blinking and way past Empty.
It was a little after midnight and I managed to get to the nearest gas station before it actually stalled. I restarted and *just* managed to get to the pump.
Phew.
Hand made otak otak
The proprietor actually makes it himself every night! Anyway, I’m heading off tomorrow for a little trip and coming back on Friday.
What are your plans everyone? 😀
Happy Easter and the search for God
Do I consider myself a religious person? No.
I’ve not stepped foot in a church for years. However I am quite well versed with the Bible, having read the scripture twice during an unfortunate time when reading material was not readily available. *cough*
However, something in Bali made me realize that I *do* believe in the Christian God. Yes, a kafir like me. I am not an “agnostic atheist” – not deep down in my heart where the id reigns supreme and the ego has no place.
I don’t know if this is going to be one of those temporary religious moments. I’m not an evangelistic Christian. I see no point in publicly announcing my return to the flock – another lost soul saved, Lord be praised.
Do you see the irony in that last statement?
However, I do believe that religion has a place in our lives. Call it the opiate of the masses if you want.
I was raised as a Methodist so going to church till I was 12 during my childhood formative years might have something to do with it.
It’s a personal thing, this religion business. I think I helped my family to be strong in their faith, despite having next to none myself (this is slowly changing).
God works in mysterious ways. He helps us, guides us and tests us when we stray from the path he has designed for us. I was blind to the little things that probably made my life a helluva lot easier (and longer) – attributing it to luck, skills, or experience.
I believe the hand of the Lord guides us when we need Him. This can happen subconsciously (see formative years of Christianity) – a nanosecond of neurons firing, sending the message, Lord if you’re there I need you now. You probably aren’t even aware of doing that.
…but He answers. I have seen his work and I am humbled.
This Easter, let us give thanks to the Lord for all the small and big things he has done for us.
Praise the Lord. Amen.
Looking for love in all the wrong places
I’ve been actively looking for a serious relationship since the last one didn’t work out. I’m sure I’m ready, I gave my all in the previous one and I guess the age thing is gnawing on me. I’m turning 31 in one day.
However, people have been telling me not to rush into a relationship…just chill and let it come when it comes.
I think they’re right. I hit on this girl just now at Hoofed and totally messed it up. Heh. I understand why though – I can’t even understand myself, so how can they (one of the girls in the group of two caught my eye) decipher my speech?
Tell me brother, what is the greatest jihad?
The most excellent jihad is that for the conquest of self. (Bukhari)
There are certain things that I would need to change and that would be the greatest jihad (struggle) of my life but I’ll be a better person when I’m done.
…and in the meantime, I’ll listen to you all and just chill.
The right person will come when she comes. 🙂
16 hours
I’ve been out since yesterday morning and I just got home after 16 hours. It was the best fun I had in ages.
…in other news, expect a drastic improvement in my spoken BM if things go well on Sunday. 😉
My girlfriend just broke up with me…
Rainie has broken up with me. I really have given it my all. Maybe I could have done more. I don’t know if it even matters. She has now moved back with her ex-boyfriend. I will neither assign blame nor vilify her.
It hurts like hell. I feel an emptiness and I have to keep myself from calling her and begging her to come back.
I usually fail.
I really, really loved her and I did a lot of things and accepted a lot of things about her which I usually won’t.
It’s no one’s fault.
I don’t even know how to begin to write this but for myself, I need to.
She’s a really great person and I really loved her. I still do.
I have trust issues which I felt was very justified. I will not vilify her, she’s a great person that maybe I could have saved but I wasn’t strong enough.
I’m glad things moved this fast though. I never regretted a moment we had together. However, it really hurts to be treated like this.
She left me while I was in Phuket. We had an argument over my trust issues and she packed her bags and went back to her ex-boyfriend (which would make that her current boyfriend again) instead of waiting until I got back as we agreed. I now know things that I didn’t.
I have forgiven her for things which goes against my very principles. She was one the only 3 people I’ve ever loved like this.
I won’t go into details because it’s her life. I will not assign blame, if there’s anyone to blame, let it be me.
I just wished she could have told me instead running off when I was in Phuket. I wish she hadn’t taken the easy way out. I would have understood.
Worst of all, I know that if she comes back I know I’ll still love her and forgive her.
Perhaps people with the dark triad of personalities is destined to only get the girls during that crucial period before their ovulation.
Never to be together with someone, only to be a temporary fling as you seem more attractive during that time, forever, and ever, and ever.
…and that is a very dark thought.
It’s so disheartening that once I stopped being a player and started to be a nice guy, the ladder theory proves true. It’s so easy to get girls when you’re being a player but when you’re being serious in the relationship, the tables are turned and you get played.
However, I won’t go back to being what I was. I want to be a nice guy and I want my partner to love me because I love her, not because I’m a manipulative player.
No one can take that from me. I know I’m ready for a serious relationship and I have really tried and I’ve given it my all.
I saw a cute little girl while out tapao-ing food I won’t eat just now. She’s adorable and I looked at her parents and it made me think that maybe nice guys won’t always finish last.
In a fit of Zen, I have looked at it another way. It could be that the dark triad of personalities tend to attract some type of girls but I don’t think that your personality is set. I wasn’t a player before and I stopped being a player now, ergo, I have discarded the attributes that used to fit the dark triad of personalities.
There is someone out there waiting for me. Someone I will love and cherish and who will reciprocate. Someone who will not lie to me and whom I will not lie to.
A relationship built on trust.
That is what keeps me going during this difficult period.
You shouldn’t do that
My dad is the person that I admire the most. This is not the first time I have written about him – as I grow older, I get closer and understand him even more. As a kid, especially during my pubescent years where I made it my personal crusade to be the most rebellious little shit in the world, he stood by me.
I never understood why.
He believed in me when I went into a period of an intense hedonistic lifestyle of drugs, alcohol and indiscriminate sex. My dad never supported my choices though – I remember the first time I was arrested – I expected him to bail me out of jail, but he didn’t. I was in there for the standard 14 day remand until a friend bailed me out.
…now some of you might think that means he doesn’t love me. No, that isn’t true. It means he loves me so much he wants me to learn. I didn’t at that time but he kept on believing in me and encouraging me to sort out my life.
He would just tell me his personal take on things and advice me on life. I have always hated his advice – advice being the worse kind of vice and all that – but as I grew older, I started to appreciate it.
Now that I’m turning 31 I find myself looking to him for counsel for all the difficult decisions in life.
I wish I had more time to tap into his wisdom and life experience. Sure, there’s a huge generation gap between us but some things in life will always be true. I have learned love from him – and I believe I will be able to provide the same kind of unconditional love – agape – to my future children.
I really hope he’ll be there to see that and experience raising my kids with me.
I’m trying to live a healthier life and doing what I can to prolong the time we have together. There is a Wellness Profiling Tool which I’m using to find out about the little bad habits that I’ve never really thought about. It’s on the Great Eastern website and they have a motto that really tugs at my heartstrings – We believe that only you can be there for the ones you love.
There’s also an iOS and Android app called Great Eastern 21 days which you can use to break the bad habits that you have. Research suggests that it takes exactly that amount of time to truly stop a bad habit or start a new (good) one.
Surfing through the site made me realize that I’ve never taken a lot of photos with my dad – there is just a couple of snapshots over the Chinese New Year period and I really want to change that. There’s a Facebook contest where you can win a priceless photo shoot by celebrity photographer Russel Wong by uploading a photo and writing about how much that person means to you.
Your photo will join a gallery of Malaysia’s most irreplaceable people. The contest is called There Will Never Be Another You.
That’s exactly how I feel about you, dad. I’m sorry I was such a hard kid to raise up and I hope I’m doing enough to make up for it now, although as you always say, you don’t want any of that…all you hope to see is for me to be a good person. I’m trying every single day. I love you dad.
