Integrity in an enticing world

integrity

That was the topic of the sermon at Calvary Church, Damansara Heights at the 5 pm English service just now. I thought it was quite interesting, something to think about at least. I’ve been trying to find a church that I’ll be comfortable in.

I haven’t been to church in a long time. It’s 18 years by my count, excepting the time I went to Wesley Methodist Church in Sibu last time I was back to visit my mom (and I thought it was election time too).

calvary church bukit damansara

I’m not used to loud and expressive praise and worship sessions – I was raised as a Christian, went to Trinity Methodist Church in Kuching and Wesley Methodist Church when I was in Sibu. They’re both UMC sister churches and we use the hymnal – usually droll but somehow peaceful hymns.

This is totally different. However, I think that the ability to unlearn and relearn new things is a prerequisite in this fast moving social media age and I found myself enjoying it by the second song (which I would really like to know the title of).

I’ve been procrastinating in going back to the church – I left the congregation when I was 12 coz I didn’t believe in it anymore. It’s more than just knowledge, it’s the hypocrisy and politiking that I see which made me lose faith in Christians.

I’m sure I’ve said this before but one thing my dad said that caused me to reevaluate is – Don’t look at the Christian, look to Christ.

…also I have my own personal reasons for going. You can call it the opiate of the masses but there are no atheists in foxholes too. ;)

eucharist
Nifty way to hold the Eucharist cup.

However, I’m still trying to believe. I think I’m moving towards that direction but I don’t think this church would be a good fit for me. I prefer to contemplate in a quiet setting and speak to my personal savior and this isn’t very conducive to doing so. It’s also an Assembly of God denomination which has doctrinal differences from Methodists, the biggest one being:

The Assemblies of God believes in the Pentecostal distinctive of baptism in the Holy Spirit with the evidence of speaking in tongues.

That goes against everything I believe in. I find that churches like these tend to coerce people to do so (speak in tongues) which leads to a lot of people faking it to make it. I was at a seminar a while back in Sabah where a Canadian group came to speak – they’re also Pentecostals and during a blessing session, everyone (about 300 people) fell down, “consumed by the holy spirit”.

I didn’t. There were people behind me waiting to hold me and one of the pastors whispered to me – “Just lie down”.

I don’t want to coz I didn’t feel the touch of the Lord. I was the only one standing in a group of 300 threshing and moaning people. The sheer pressure to join them is quite incredible and I believe that’s what most people were going – just succumbing to the pressure. I stood my ground though. It was hard, and I’ll be lying if I said I didn’t feel self-conscious but I don’t want to pretend to do feel something I don’t.

I won’t judge, Matthew 7:5 says the famous words about that but in matters of faith, I ALWAYS defer to my dad. He’s hands down the most pious person I ever met – a True Believer. I trust him in these matters.

calvary church damansara heights

Thus, I’ll probably be still searching for a church that fits the doctrine I believe in. I can’t say I’m a Christian right now, and I’m still trying to reconcile God with science, life and sociology – things I believe in like evolution, LGBT rights, massive allegations of fund mismanagement (hey, they’re human and humans sin).

I also want to make sure that I’m doing it for the right reasons and not using religion as a crutch to get me through some hard times.

I’m really opening my mind here after 18 years (it’s actually longer, I stopped believing but continued going) of being an agnostic atheist – I want to believe and I know it’s not your prerogative to show yourself to me God, but you know, it would help a lot, especially right now.

I’ll end this post with a prayer. ;)

God, grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
and Wisdom to know the difference.

Heh! It’s actually non-religious, it started from AA but I learned it in NA, it’s called the Serenity Prayer and AA/NA isn’t a Christian foundation – it accepts people from all faiths and religious discussion is prohibited.

It feels like Boxing Day!

bend it like beckham

I just made that up and I thought it was quite cool. I’m sure people have made oblique references like this before but I haven’t seen it – although I’m sure the idea isn’t new, I’ll love to have coined it.

I’m don’t think a lot of people would get it, but that’s kind of the point.

Okay, it’s like the day after Christmas when you’re hung over and eating cold turkey sandwiches while watching football. :)

Damn, I’m quite good with analogies that makes perfect sense. Heh!

P/S – The movie is really good too, watched it about 10 years ago when it came out.

Seize the day!

pamela hb

Morning peeps! I’ve been up for quite a while so I expect to crash pretty soon. I had breakfast at TDH with Pam, which I usually miss coz:

1. I don’t really eat breakfast.
2. I don’t wake up that early on weekends

I’m glad I went today though, coz I ended up sitting in there for 5 hours (!) talking to Pam. She has this really cool tattoo that goes “Carpe Diem”.

carpe diem

Seize the day indeed, something that everyone needs reminding of once in a while.

pamela ooi

Anyway, Leanne was in town for the weekend from Australia. I had dinner with her at Jalan Alor and got some interesting insights from her. It’s truly inspirational how she travels while juggling all her responsibilities.

leanne mangan

Pam, Jess and Konstandinos joined us for drinks later at Changkat Bukit Bintang. We had originally wanted to go to a gay bar for something different (thanks for the recommendation Lynn) but the place didn’t serve food so we went to another watering hole.

leanne us

I ended up drinking diet Coke and singing in a jarringly off-tune key to classics from the 90’s – it seems that a couple of us has the same tastes in music. The DJ was constantly inundated with requests by us and the bar was dominated by our playlist of punk, rock and metal classics. Heh.

hb pam

Anyway, today is a date of some importance to me. I think. I won’t be sure yet for another 28 days but if all the stars align I’ll get a tattoo that says 22/7/2012.

Seriously.

Happy Easter and the search for God

salvation costs 200

Do I consider myself a religious person? No.

I’ve not stepped foot in a church for years. However I am quite well versed with the Bible, having read the scripture twice during an unfortunate time when reading material was not readily available. *cough*

However, something in Bali made me realize that I *do* believe in the Christian God. Yes, a kafir like me. I am not an “agnostic atheist” – not deep down in my heart where the id reigns supreme and the ego has no place.

I don’t know if this is going to be one of those temporary religious moments. I’m not an evangelistic Christian. I see no point in publicly announcing my return to the flock – another lost soul saved, Lord be praised.

Do you see the irony in that last statement? smirk

However, I do believe that religion has a place in our lives. Call it the opiate of the masses if you want.

I was raised as a Methodist so going to church till I was 12 during my childhood formative years might have something to do with it.

It’s a personal thing, this religion business. I think I helped my family to be strong in their faith, despite having next to none myself (this is slowly changing).

God works in mysterious ways. He helps us, guides us and tests us when we stray from the path he has designed for us. I was blind to the little things that probably made my life a helluva lot easier (and longer) – attributing it to luck, skills, or experience.

I believe the hand of the Lord guides us when we need Him. This can happen subconsciously (see formative years of Christianity) – a nanosecond of neurons firing, sending the message, Lord if you’re there I need you now. You probably aren’t even aware of doing that.

…but He answers. I have seen his work and I am humbled.

This Easter, let us give thanks to the Lord for all the small and big things he has done for us.

Praise the Lord. Amen.

Meluahkan perasaan dalam Facebook

I don’t know…is love supposed to make you feel this bad? It’s a Friday night and my bros are out but I begged off saying that I have a touch of food poisoning.

…which is partially true but not entirely the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.

I’m greatly troubled with my It’s Complicated (TM) relationship. I can’t seem to get her off my mind and there are…complications which makes me feel a rather strange and unusual emotion (!!!) – sadness, loss, pining, and all that romantic crap.

I guess I’m trying too hard, which is a mistake I should have learned by now. But I’m really into her and I want this to work out.

I don’t know, there’s a lot of issues that I’m not at liberty to say and I wish I could be like Barney and go “When I feel bad, I stop feeling bad and feel AWESOME instead“.

…but that doesn’t work in real life.

I’m probably 40% sick and 60% lovesick (probably the wrong term, it’s fear, uncertainty and doubt, very karma feelings which I never feel when it comes to girls) and it is a damn strange emotion for me I’m supposed to be this badass player and feelings like these are only experienced by sorry, self-pitying, pussy-whipped boys.

It’s karma, I tell you.

I’m supposed to go out partying with my bros and feel awesome.

…but instead I’m at home, thinking of her and feeling like crap.

P/S – My sister actually reads my Facebook feed quite religiously and starts every morning with a clumsy attempt at bonding by saying “Hey, I saw on your Facebook that (insert stuff that I posted)“.

Please do not do that Yih Jia. I do not wish to discuss this matter, least of all with you. It’s just going to make me very uncomfortable and it also ruins my “Huai Bin is invincible, an veritable emotional fucking cornerstone when it comes to girls” image. so I’ll appreciate it very much if you could pretend you didn’t read this. kthxbai

P/P/S – Seriously, don’t talk to me about it sis. It’ll be very awkward and I probably would deny I even wrote this.

bowmore enigma

That was a re-post of something I wrote on Friday night. I still feel less-than-awesome so I’m putting this up and heading to bed. It’s verbatim from the Facebook page so I’ll insert a photo in lieu of writing 1,000 words. That is a bottle of Bowmore Enigma, a 12-year-old single malt Scotch whiskey from Islay. I got it for about SGD 58 from duty free – the Enigma expression is a travel exclusive.

Back to the post:

Has anyone ever told you that you look like a star?
It seems like everybody’s got something I have not – a reason not to die.

– NOFX

Making big decisions in life – from someone who learned the hard way

me

I have written a rather lengthy post about my life. Most of you have heard that I’ve been through rehab. Some of you know that I’ve been to jail before. Not many of you know the whole story.

It’s one about how a young and innocent kid started experimenting with drugs out of curiosity and how it quickly snowballed from recreational use into a vast methamphetamine and opiate addiction that nearly killed me and brought me to depths of depravation I never have thought I was capable of.

They say curiosity killed the cat…

…but satisfaction brought it back!

I’m not really sure that statement is true. It certainly rolls off the tongue nicely, but with the sacrifices I’ve made and the state of my health as it stands today – it bears to navel gaze and ask myself – “Was it all really worth it?

I guess that’s a question only I can answer.

It’s an unfortunate situation which I always say is essentially a “victimless crime” and drugs should be legalized but when you think about it and the havoc it wrecks on your family and loved ones…

…can you really say that it’s a victimless crime?

I don’t mean from a legalistic standpoint, but rather a moral one.

Pull up a chair coz here’s the entire story about how I thought I was too intelligent to be addicted. This is a story of an arrogant youth who played with fire, thinking that he’s the exception…not knowing that the road to hell is paved with people who thought the exact same thing.

It’s also a tale of redemption and most of all holding true to your core values, like loving my family, who has bailed me out so many times I couldn’t keep count. Here’s to my mom and dad for believing in their son, even after so many overdose hospitalizations, arrests, and rehabilitation centers.

I love you guys.

r u ready

My article was published in Prudential’s R U Ready Facebook page in its entirety. R U Ready is a forum for adults to share your experiences, advice and tips about life. Go Like the page and surf on over to read the whole story, straight from the horse’s mouth.

Were you ever so angry you tackled a train?

Time.

That is my particular pet peeve. I hate it when people are late.

It shows that you think your time is more valuable than mine.

It’s fucking disrespectful.

I don’t care if there’s a traffic jam – leave earlier if you know it’s going to be congested. There’s no excuses for being late.

I always try to be early and in the few occasions I can count on my hand that I’m late, I’ll call ahead and tell the people I’m meeting up with that I will be late, citing the reason(s) for my tardiness.

However, just now, I got lost (NO EXCUSES!) due to my GPS and was one of the last ones to arrive. I did call ahead to say I’ll be late (my GPS told me to go down an extremely narrow pedestrian walk and I scraped the front of my car trying to reverse out) but I still feel really bad about it.

I think it’s my obsession with time. I suspect it also has something to do with my past.

Back then, everyone had to wait, even celebrities (read Life by Keith Richards). It’s a mixture of two things – people in this particular line of work are generally tardy, especially if they are consumers too. However, it’s most of all, a power play.

It practically shouts – I HAVE SOMETHING YOU WANT AND YOU HAVE TO WAIT THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED NIGHT FOR ME AND THERE’S NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT. HAH!

It’s an expression of dominance. I know. I’ve done it before, sad to say. In closed markets like that – you have no choice. You wait.

I’ve waited eight (8) fucking hours IN MY CAR about 9 years ago when I haven’t established myself in a new place. He was the only person I knew.

I had delusions of shooting the guy in the face and that was what sustained me. I didn’t do it though. It would have gotten me shot as well, if not at that time, then sometime in the near future.

…when he finally came, I had to fork over the money with a shit eating grin on my face.

It’s degrading and shameful. You hate yourself, but still, you wait, coz the hold it has over you is stronger than your pride. Fuck, it hurts to admit that, but it’s true.

…but that’s all in the past now. I have started a new life (and brought over the emotional baggage where I abhor waiting smirk) and I don’t do it anymore.

I still have a thing about time though. I don’t like to be kept waiting and I don’t keep others waiting.

Being on time is a virtue a lot of people don’t get. If you say you’re going to be there at a certain time, then be there!

That is what I meant to say in this post – either be on time or inform the other person and postpone it to another date if you can’t make it.

Don’t make people waste their time waiting. Time is something you’ll never get back.

Tempus is fugiting!

I get angry enough to tackle a train when kept waiting. That’s my pet peeve.

angry enough to tackle a train

What’s yours? Were you ever so angry you tackled a train?

sixthseal.com featured in Property Buyer

property buyer

I’m in the May 2011 edition of Property Buyer thanks to Lainey bff! <3 property buyer huai bin

It’s a full spread interview about me, my blog and the place I stay (obviously, since it’s a property magazine). I’ve been meaning to write an updated About Me here but never really got around to doing it. Hmm…I guess this is a good place to condense certain bits for it.

property buyer sixthseal

Anyway, if you want to read the entire unedited verbal diarrhea I wrote for the article, it’s here in it’s 2,000 word plus glory. ;)

ON HUAI BIN

I was born on Cheng Beng on 5th April 1981- I’m an Aries, through and through – it was quite unexpected as my parents were living in Kuching at the time and they had come to Sibu to do the traditional grave cleaning. I heard the only delivery clinic in town was closed so they had to wait until after the doctor finished with his Cheng Beng business before I could be delivered.

I spent the first 7 years of my childhood in Kuching, Sarawak before my dad was posted to Sibu. I started primary school here and continued until my parents applied for a New Zealand PR when I was 13. We did our first landing and it was the one of the best and last family vacations I remember as a kid – driving a campervan with another family to tour the North and South Islands of NZ for nearly a month.

It was decided that I was to be sent to Christchurch, New Zealand for my high school straight after I finished my PMR. I was only 15 when I went there and joined a Form Six class. My parents had hoped that I would effectively “jump” two years and enter university 2 years earlier than my peers. However, I picked subjects that were traditionally valued by Asians – chemistry, physics, calculus in the hopes of fulfilling my parents dream of having one engineer and one doctor as children (I have a sister).

Unfortunately, I didn’t do very well in my studies and was more interested in the freedom that being away from family afforded me instead. I hung out a lot, gained a love of travelling and a sense of adventure and got kicked out of high school – in that order.

I came back and went to Australia for college and university. I spent 4 years in Melbourne, first in college and then in Monash University, finally graduating with a Bachelor’s Degree in Computer Science. I wanted to stay on in Melbourne but I had a girlfriend back in KL so I came back and started working in KL.

I’ve always loved travelling since our family has a tradition of going on at least one annual family vacation since I started to walk. It was a lot of fun and sometimes my grandma came along and those were the best memories of my life. I also have a great sense of adventure and is completely okay with taking risks.

I’ve gone bungee jumping at the tender age of 13, took up skydiving and snowboarding in Melbourne when I was in university, went cliff diving in Ton Sai, Thailand. I love the adrenaline rush and I also like meeting new people and understanding their cultures.

I’ve been to a lot of different countries and lived in them for prolonged periods of time and I enjoy learning about local customs. I once went on a camping trip with a couple of Aussie friends where we hunted kangaroo and had its tail on a campfire.

I enjoy travelling solo as it allows me to actually get to meet new people and go places where I usually can’t if I’m travelling with a partner. I’ve spent long periods talking and walking along the narrow alleys of the Old Quarter in Hanoi, Vietnam and I went to Europe twice within a 6 month period.

The last time was early this year, when I spent almost a month there. I had already visited England, Wales, Amsterdam and the usual suspects previously so I decided to go on a lesser travelled path – Latvia and Georgia.

I decided on the two Baltic and post-Soviet states because not many people have gone there. I spent time in Georgia getting to know the people and the history behind Tbilisi and other states (like South Ossetia – which isn’t a very safe place to visit due to it’s propensity for insurgencies). It’s my passion to meet new people and travel around, despite not knowing the language, going where no man (or at least few) have trodden before.

ON HIS BLOG

I started blogging back in April 2002 – I was still in university in Melbourne then and decided it was a good way to let my friends see what I’m up to instead of emailing each of them individually. I was studying computer science so the first incarnation of sixthseal.com does not have a CMS per se but is updated via HTML (no CSS back then) code written manually.

I changed to Movable Type a few months after and only switched to WordPress recently. I started blogging about basically everything and anything I find fun. I think it was the first blog at the time which had daily updates with photos. I even had a webcam turned on 24/7 so that anyone who logs in can see a snapshot of my room or me every 5 minutes – yes, even when I sleep.

I wanted to experience all that Australia has to offer so I went travelling a lot and I attended a lot of events. I covered everything from the Melbourne Open tennis match to concerts. However, it was during one exhibition – SEXPO 2002 – a sex lifestyle exhibition that I realized the potential of my blog. I got an email from the organizers after I posted the coverage asking for my permission to link my post from their official sexpo.com.au website. They also wanted to give me a media pass for next year so I could gain access to the backstage and get many other privileges.

sixthseal.com is one of the longest running blogs in Malaysia – it has just reached it’s 9th anniversary on the 19th of April 2011. That’s 9 years of blogging almost every day! It has become a way of life to me and more than that – it has become an extension of myself, my most prized “possession”. I have come to think of it as a “son”, a legacy that would carry on, hopefully forever.

I see a lot of new bloggers who are blogging for money but I strongly feel that’s the wrong way to go about it. I have thousands of unique visitors per day but even if I only had 2 visitors, I would still blog because I write for MYSELF and for the satisfaction it gives me.

It’s like a diary – a life journal where I can look back and see what I was doing at what year. I want to be able to show my children that too. In fact, I’ve already found myself doing that – if I can’t remember what date I did something or when something happened – the first thing I’ll do is to search my blog. :)

ON HIS HOME

My home in Sibu is a nice two storey corner terrace that used to have a huge mango tree in the considerable yard. We had rambutan trees at the back too and as kids, I remember eagerly waiting for the season when it’ll fruit and we’ll eat it straight from the tree.

However, all the trees were cut down to make way for an extension – my family decided to renovate and paved over the side, turning some of it into a larger living room and some of it into a covered garage that could fit the 4 cars that we had if everyone was back home (Tip Top Garage Doors service provided).

The house belongs to my dad and we’ve lived in it for ever since I can remember. He owned it even when we were in Kuching but let one of our uncles live in it.

It’s a four bedroom house with a store room and a spare room at the first floor. We only live at the second floor – there’s a piano up there and me and my sister used to share a room until I was about 10 years old and our parents deemed it was time for us to sleep in different bedrooms.

I currently live in a 550sq ft studio apartment in Damansara Heights. It appealed to me because it came fully furnished and I was impressed by how much they could fit into that small space. There’s a full kitchen with fridge, a small hallway, a toilet, a glass shower unit and a small tub flanking a sink with vanity mirror and two glass cupboards.

The bedroom comes after the bathtub which is closed by sliding doors – there’s a double bed in there and a swivel TV cum bookshelf which connects to the living room with the sofa, coffee table and small writing desk. There’s even a tiny balcony where I can look out to nature!

I love how they use glass and how open everything is to make the place look bigger than it actually is. Everything is functional and every unit looks the same since it’s furnished by the developer!

However, it has never seemed like a home to me but rather a nice place to live for one. I’m now living with my girlfriend and space has become a bit of a premium but we can still manage…after I’ve made space for her considerable wardrobe. ;)

There’s a lot of different between the place I’m renting in KL and my home in Sibu. I’ve never considered this studio home. Home is the warm feeling you get when you step into the house and that place is my bedroom in Sibu, Sarawak.
Sibu is also comparatively safe – the neighborhood I live in has a very low crime rate – and the neighbours all know and watch out for each other. There’s just a nice homely feel to living in Sibu.

I don’t know any of my neighbors in my studio in 10 Semantan (except for my ex-gf who used to live in one of the units a couple of doors down – she has since moved out) and although the security is good – you need a tag to enter the car park, to open the doors to each floor and to use the lift. The key card access system is great – you can only access your own floor, the top floor with the gym and the swimming pool, and the car park floors but not any other residential floors.

It would never be home to me as long as I’m renting though. I’m currently planning to purchase an apartment in the Mutiara Damansara area – it would need to have great security and facilities. I love to swim so a swimming pool is essential to the place I live. That’s part of the reason I prefer to live in a condo vs a landed property – the other one being of course, security. Unless you’re living in a gated community, a condominium would be more secure in KL, in my opinion.

I travel a lot and I would loath to come back and find my place burglarized. I’ve actually had this happen in Sibu – but we weren’t at home at the time. It wasn’t a pleasant experience to find your most treasured possession (notebook and external HDD) missing when you come home, I’ll tell you that.

Not to mention the fact that a stranger has rummaged around in your stuff. I ended up washing all of my clothes and found out that the burglar took some of my attire as well. He seems to be quite discerning one as he only took the labeled clothes.

That’s one option – I’m actually looking for a place that’s below RM 350,000 as a first place, if I don’t find it it Mutiara Damansara, I’ll look in other areas but I would prefer to live in Petaling Jaya with access to the SPRINT highway to get to KL easily. I would love to find a place with minimal traffic congestion, but that’s stretching it a bit too far in the Klang Valley, I reckon. ;)

My dream home would be a landed property in Sibu – I don’t plan to live in KL forever – it would be a place for me to retire and raise my kids. I would like a place like the house of my youth – with a garden and lots of trees…and a swimming pool of course.

FAMOUS LAST WORDS

I believe being happy is the most important thing in life. It’s not about accumulating wealth, getting caught up in the rat race and having to juggle office politics with work. I like my freedom and I quit a nice paying full time job to pursue my dreams of becoming a travel writer. Maybe one day I’ll take up a traditional job again but if I do so, it has to be something I love – a travel host for example. You spend most of your life at work – it ought to be something you love doing, not something you do just for money, else you’ll end up with an empty life. I also have some side income and it helps keep food on the table – the image of a starving artist is romantic, but ultimately unrealistic. I believe that life is short and you should make full use of it – be happy, travel and get to know the world, and most importantly, believe in what you’re doing. I love my blog and you’ll continue to see what I’m doing on sixthseal.com :)

My 30th birthday

colmar tropicale

Yes, I have hit the big 3-0! It happened on the 5th of April and I went up to Colmar Tropicale to celebrate the start of having to write my age with the numeral 3 in relative peace and quiet (as is appropriate for people in their 30s ;)).

bukit tinggi

Colmar Tropicale is a French medieval themed resort in Bukit Tinggi (also called Berjaya Hills) and I secured a 1 bedroom suite there for about RM 300. I woke up late but we managed to reach there at around 12 pm and checked in. It’s about 3,500 feet above sea level and can be cool when the air is blowing but it’s not as cold as the other highlands.

japanese garden

Anyway, after a bit of exploring – I’ll write about the resort in another post – it was time for dinner. My girlfriend bought me dinner at La Cigogne – the best fine dining French restaurant at Colmar Tropicale. The food was good but I don’t think it’s authentic – more fusion cuisine than French. I had some wine and we also got a slice of cake to await the stroke of midnight.

I celebrated my 30th birthday at the balcony of a French themed resort in the highlands. Heh! We were full from dinner and I had to eat the entire slice of baked cheesecake sourced from a (you, guessed it) French bakery in the resort. It was adorned with three large candles. -_-

My girlfriend sang a birthday song and asked me to search the drawers of the suite for my present.

30th presents

I didn’t know she brought me a present! I realized later that when I switched rooms (preferred one with a balcony) she had to scramble to pack the presents back when I wasn’t looking. She had bought me a Braun Buffel wallet and handmade a birthday card with twists of tiny paper – it took her three whole weeks to do the latter.

Thanks dear! I love you Jeanie. <3 pork mee sua

We got home later the next day and she cooked mee sua for me – longevity noodles is a traditional dish in Chinese birthdays. What isn’t so traditional was that it wasn’t served with chicken soup but stewed pork leg – my favorite. Heh!

30th birthday

I had a great 30th birthday. It was relaxing and to be honest, I still don’t feel a month over 25. smirk

Cold feet

packing

I’m writing this before I board the plane back to KL. I’m hauling back several boxes of my girlfriend’s belongings with me. She’s coming over in a couple of days to work in KL and she’ll be living with me.

I’ll be honest here. I’m feeling more than a little trepidation at the idea. I don’t know how it’s going to turn out. There is a grand total of three (3) serious relationships I’ve been in where the other half moves in with me. The first one happened when I was just in my teenage years – it also happened to be my first real relationship.

Her name was Wendy and it lasted all of six months.

It was all fine and dandy until we moved in together. The relationship lasted longer than that, of course – prior to that, we were practically inseparable. I don’t know why seeing each other day in and day out became so taxing on the relationship.

Familiarity breeds contempt?

It always starts with the little things – small issues that becomes the flash point of every argument. The same old problems brought up again and again. It’s something akin to cabin fever…I’ll even go so far to say it’s like prison, being cooped up in a small place with the same bunch of people 24/7.

It never ends well.

The second relationship (Louisa – the very same person that still resides as a tattoo on my left forearm) also went that way. We were together for YEARS. I graduated from Australia, came back to KL and moved in with her.

BAM! The relationship went downhill almost immediately.

However, we tried to work things out as adults – giving each other space, making concessions and compromises but in the end it still didn’t work out. We made a last ditch attempt to save the relationship by me moving to Kuching (it was just as well that I got a really good job offer there) and it was all good for a while…and then we broke up.

The third and last serious relationship where my girlfriend moved in was when I came to KL again. I came with Doris in tow and maybe it’s the nostalgic rose tinted glasses but I felt that I could have done things better and maybe it could have worked out if I had not turned into a complete asshole.

I’ll admit that much. I was a total asshole to her. I was an ungrateful son of a bitch who didn’t care about someone that loved me that much. I loved her too but I got too caught up with myself to realize that I’ve been taking her for granted. She’s a very nice girl and perhaps things would have been different if I had been the person I am now.

…or perhaps not.

The thing is, I’ve learned a lot from all these experiences. It made me take a good, hard look at myself and I didn’t like what I was seeing. I have been making amends since then.

I’m no saint, I’m not saying that I became the poster boy for abstinence after that. Hell, no.

…but I never did get into another serious relationship after Doris until now.

It’s funny isn’t it? When you’re single, all you want to do is get in a relationship. When you’re actually in one, the idea of being alone and free to do anything you want sounds pretty appealing.

The grass is always greener on the other side and all that.

However, I really want to make this work. I don’t think I’ll make the same mistakes again and I’ll try very hard to keep the relationship alive. I know my own weaknesses and I hope I am more patient and understanding now. I’ll give it my all.

I hope that the fourth time’s the charm.

I hope.

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