This ballad by MLTR illustrates the unfortunate series of events of a chronic procrastinator and indecisive specimen of the male species which rendered him unable to pull a Kanye West during the crucial point where the priest goes “Speak now or forever hold your peace.”
Hence the title – 25 minutes too late. I don’t know if anyone out there has experienced something as profoundly life changing and dramatic as the protagonist of the song, but we all know the difference a few minutes makes, albeit in less spectacular situations.
I was in that very same situation last week. No, I didn’t find out that the love of my life was getting hitched to another guy, it was something else. A friend of mine emailed me and attached this photo with the text:
Hey, you’re still having those migraines right? These are slated to be destroyed, wondered if you wanted it.
Alas, I was out at that time and I only checked Gmail three hours later, saw the photo, and immediately replied with such a resounding YES that the Y key of my keyboard promptly cracked.
The reply: Oops…sorry, I destroyed it already. I thought you didn’t want it.
The primal scream of loss I uttered was heard halfway across the earth. People in the deepest, most remote depths of the Sahara looked up at the skies in terror, mumbling superstitiously and gesturing wildly to ward off evil (or whatever it is the tribes do, I’m just giving an analogy here).
You know the punch line right?
This would never have happened if I had preregistered for an Xpax Prepaid BB. 😉
The push email functionality would have allowed me to respond to that message in a timely manner. Sigh…
This is a true story btw, as can be seen by the Ludicrous Watermark (TM) in the second photo. =D
I’ve always wanted to appear in the papers (for a good reason instead of the usual reasons) and I was delighted to see a full page feature in the Malay Mail yesterday:
Thank you so much! I’ve always dreamed about what it would be like to maybe appear in the papers someday, but I never actually thought it would have happened. I write crappy satire/parody so thank you so much for giving me a chance to appear on the Malay Mail!
I’ll like to thank Nuffna..
Yo HB, I’m really happy for you. Imma let you finish but Xpax has one of the best BB plans of all time! One of the best Blackberry prepaid plans of all time!
Fret not, comrades! I’ve come up with an FAQ for this extremely common accident!
Q: OMG! I just stepped on a stray electrical socket adapter while going to the loo in the middle of the night! Help! What should I do? A: Don’t panic. Turn on the light and inspect the damage. Did you step on the white part (good) or the yellow part (bad)?
Good
Bad
Q: How do I know if I’ve stepped on it on the face side up or prong side up? A: It’s easy. If you stepped on the electrical socket adapter on the face side up, it would most likely twist or warp the contraption with no ill effects to you.
However, if you stepped on it prong side up, you will most likely feel a sharp pain followed by a string of profanity consistent with Tourette Syndrome. You will also notice some bleeding on the soles of your feet.
Q: Phew! I’ve stepped on the white part. What do I need to do? A: Nothing. Just get another electrical socket adapter if you need it.
Q: How can I prevent occurrences of stepping-on-electrical-socket-adapters in the future? A: This is a no brainer. Most people won’t them lying around in likely paths of foot traffic in your house…so don’t!
Q: What if I’m not most people? A: You’ll need to consult this guide frequently and often. It might also help to keep some disinfectant in your house e.g. Dettol.
Q: What if I don’t believe in disinfectant? A: Sure, I understand you just want to go back to sleep after taking a pee. It’s all good. However, be prepared to walk gingerly for the next 2-3 weeks, depending on how hard you stepped on it, which is in turn dependant on your body weight.
Q: 2-3 weeks? Are you kidding me? Does it take that long to heal? A: As a rule of thumb, yes. Wounds in movable parts of your body (palms, wrist, soles) takes longer to deal due to the constant friction and contact you make with various external objects during the course of the day.
Q: Do I have to see a doctor? A: Most people won’t have to. However, if you’re a pussy or suffering from haemophilia (which causes your blood to not coagulate properly), it might be a good idea to consider heading over to your GP. At least for the latter.
Q: What’s going to happen to the poor sole of my feet after 2-3 weeks? A: Well, you’ll form a hard callus where the point of injury occurred. You’ll notice that the skin is significantly thicker and rougher. It’s no big deal.
Q: Okay, what if I still want to leave random items lying around the house and walk around in the middle of the night with no lights on? A: I strongly suggest snapping off the Earth prong. It’s the one that sticks up the most (the longest one) and from previous experience, it’s the one that causes the most damage. You can also opt to snap off all three for good measure.
Q: Okay, I’ve done just that. Will I still get injured when I step on it in the middle of the night? A: Nope, it has now transformed into a nice, benign surface with no pointy bits. It’s perfectly safe to step on, kick around, hide under dirty articles of clothing or anything else you leave around without causing any more harm to unsuspecting nocturnal creatures.
Q: Will I still be able to use the electrical socket after that? A: Hmm…you can try. But how are you going to plug it in without the prongs?
It is with great sorrow that I draft this letter to you. I am afraid I can no longer turn the other cheek to your constant and prolonged disappearance. You have been trying to avoid me for the better part of two weeks and I am deeply saddened to inform you that if this continues, I will have no recourse but to buy a new one.
I’ve never been a huge fan of MSN emoticons. I think they’re rather juvenile and nearly cringed when I saw my beloved ASCII 🙂 being automatically replaced by the in MSN. I have become somewhat desensitized to the cartoonish nature of the emoticon in recent times though. It’s a little like how I used to cringe at the truncated 🙂 in IRC and stuck to my fundamentalist smiley – 🙂 for ages before relenting to the truncated smiley.
I’ve always found the default MSN smiley a bit corny but have grown to embrace it and even love it. I have recently grown fond of the emoticon too – a smirk of sorts capable of expressing a wide range of emotions from distaste to worry.
The one that takes the cake is a custom emoticon (Custom emoticons! OMG! I can’t believe how far I’ve traveled down this road!) I just got from a co-worker. I call it the sideways smiley and I’m growing to like it a lot. (!)
I’ve always thought of MSN custom emoticons as the realm of pre-pubescent teenage girls and now I’m experimenting with the cursed things!
I’ve even resorted to soliciting random custom emoticons!
(and putting up MSN conversation chat boxes – ZOMG!)
I’ve always wanted to be a hitman ever since I was a little kid. People go through phases of wanting to be a policeman (or fireman) and progress to something more prestigious like a doctor (or lawyer) before settling on a realistic degree like computer science. Not me.
All I’ve ever wanted to be was an assassin. Not just your run of the mill assassin, mind, but a professional assassin. Utilizing various tools of the trade to deadly effect, and disappearing without a trace after the hit. Money flows into bank accounts in the Cayman Islands (or Aruba, or whichever country is in vogue for money laundering now) and you proceed to the next assignment.
However, I have a problem with hyperhidrosis. That’s a fancy medical term for excessive sweating. Thus, I gave up on my dreams coz you can’t really pull a ninja and sneak into someone’s house and patiently hide for 12 hours until he returns if you have underarm odor. You can’t be covert if your target can smell you from a mile away.
Thus, I was ecstatic when Rexona passed me a Rexona Men Absolute Survival Kit. Finally, my dreams can be realized. At last – a solution to the stumbling block of my dream career! I can finally give up my day job and become…a professional assassin.
I think they somehow knew what I wanted coz inside the kit was a Swiss Army knife and a (very) bright LED light. They also threw in a compass, perhaps from reading about the logistical problems I’ve been having driving around KL. Thus armed with the survival kit, I can finally go on my path of wanton destruction, carving a swath of dead bodies across the Klang Valley.
The Rexona Men Quantum provides me with 24-hour anti-perspirant protection. This is very useful, not just in the scenario outlined above, but also for those all-important client meetings. It helps me keep my cool and maintain a professional façade (while smelling fresh) during face-to-face meetings.
I have met up with several potential clients. The above is not a benign bloggers meet but a covert collective discussion about “getting rid” of certain other bloggers to increase traffic and income flow. Just look at the devious expressions on our faces. I must admit, I look a little bit out of place wearing a shirt and a tie at a mamak but I am learning…
One very positive client I met at Starbucks BB Plaza (wearing a casual Quiksilver shirt with a cigarette dangling in hand to blend in with the lala crowd at Sungai Wang – I learn fast) was with a poor girl who wants to “off” her good for nothing alcoholic boyfriend. I hear the last straw for her is the boyfriend committing the horrific crime of keeping her up late from the incessant updating of his stupid blog.
Her identity will not be revealed of course, but I have already assembled the tools of my trade:
You might not think a pair of scissors can do much, but remember what your mother told you about running with a pair.
Wooden chopsticks may look harmless to you, but it could poke out an eye or two.
A can opener does not look dangerous at all, but wait till I open up a can of whoopass…er, I mean Campbell’s soup and use the sharp edges against you. We’ll see what you think about can openers then, eh? :p
Even a hairdryer can do a lot of damage (as demonstrated in You Don’t Mess With The Zohan).
I bet you wouldn’t want me to drop it inside your bathtub while you’re in it. 😉
I have started to become a master of disguise, dressed like a professional for a hit inside a corporate environment (really, sometime office politics are taken to the extreme)…
…or dressed like a street kid, ready to ruin someone’s perfectly good day.
I have gotten quite good at it too, taking a shower and applying Rexona Men Power before going through my wardrobe for the suitable attire for the current hit.
The last thing you will see is me shining a light in your eye and a stab to your jugular vein before you kick the bucket. With Rexona Men’s line of 24-hour anti-perspirant deodorants, I can easily hide inside your home for the entire day, just waiting for you to come back at night.
No sweat. Rexona Absolute Extreme Contest is based on the premise of writing about your dreams. If there was no limit to what you could do, what would your life be like?
Step 1: Write a blog entry on the theme “If I had an ABSOLUTE EXTREME life”. The style, content and length of this post is entirely up to you – be crazy, be cute, be funny, be extreme.
Step 2: Following the theme, take a photo of yourself in your most extreme moment with a bottle of Rexona Men Absolute Protection deodorant and include it with your entry. Push your imagination to the limit!
Step 3: Then, drop an email to rexonaabsolute@nuffnang.com with your full name and permalink of your written blog post before 29 January 2008 and you can stand a chance to win these prizes:
EXTREME PRIZES
Grand Prize x 1: Full Day Car Drifting Course (car provided) 2nd Prize x 1: White Water Rafting Experience for 2 3rd Prize x 1: Adventure Hike at Gombak Forest Reserve for 4 Consolation prizes x 7: Rexona Men Absolute Survival Kit
The contest prizes are really interesting. I would love to snag the full day car drifting course, using the provided car of course. I don’t want to crash my own car – I need it for my next assignment.
I know I’ll have a huge problem doing this in KL since the roads are so messed up I feel like killing myself. I can’t complete a scheduled hit if I can’t be there on time (or understand the instructions to get there).
I need to put the Rexona Men Ice Cool deodorant in my car just to cope with the stress of driving here…
Excuse me, I have to be somewhere. A business dispute has spiraled out of control and I’m needed to…uncomplicated matters. 😉
The rogue nation of PamSong has attacked our nation’s homeland as of 0800 today. As the President of the Sovereign State of sixthseal.com, we cannot allow the dictator of this rogue state to terrorize our citizens. The buck stops here! It ends here, right now!
The terrorist nation of PamSong, with her Weapons of Mass Persuasion…er, I mean Destruction must end. PamSong has oppressed her citizens, deprived them of their human rights. My Secretary of Defense has informed me that she is harboring WMPs in some vague, remote site on her blog.
Although I personally doubt the veracity of the claims, I must act in the interests of the citizens of sixthseal.com.
I hereby declare a State of War between the nations of sixthseal.com and PamSong.
This is my Presidential Address:
You are either WITH us or AGAINST us.
There is no middle ground.
These verbal terrorists operating under a fake regime must be stopped at all costs.
I hereby announce Operation Enduring FREEPARTYdom against the State of PamSong.
We shall launch our attacks against this regime at 0800 tomorrow. Our (net) carrier fleet is on its way as I speak.
P/S – Did you know that the brother of PamSong is renowned for abducting virile chicks off the streets of Baghdad, er…I mean PamSong Nation? Join the allied forces in preventing these atrocities towards bloggers!
I
was blindsided by a traffic police roadblock at the U-turn from Kelana
Jaya LRT station leading to Jalan Bahagia and Giant LDP while heading
towards the Kelana Parkview TMpoint to get my Streamyx sorted out. The
thing about KL U-turns is that it’s completely blocked by a mass of
concrete so you don’t know what’s on the other side, especially if
you’re going too fast.
Anyway, I did such a U-turn the other day
and immediately ran into a roadblock. It was so near the exit of the
U-turn that it’s a good thing I didn’t run literally into the
roadblock. I had hoped for a break since the traffic police was
stopping the car in front of me, so I quickly pulled the seatbelt on –
but no such luck. The eagle-eyed police saw me and gestured at me to
pull over.
I had wanted to take a photo – my first traffic
ticket in KL, just after 5 days of driving over here, but that would
ruin my chances of getting off without a ticket since a photo would
mean they would have to do it the Proper Way (TM). Anyway, the
traffic police did the usual license and registration thing (except
over here it’s MyKad/IC and driving license), while I did my best pitch:
HB: Eh, sorry tuan,
I’m new to KL, just got here from Sarawak and I don’t know the way so I
was just reaching towards the back to get my map. I had the seatbelt on
all along. Police: Map? What map? There’s no map in your car. *peers into the back seat of my car* HB: Er…I
meant I was looking at the road signs. I have problems with my eyesight
so I had to squint a little. I just loosened the seatbelt, I had it on
all the time. Police: No, you didn’t. You put it on when you saw me. HB: Yes, I did, I had it on all the time. Honest. Anyway, since I’m new here, I was hoping you could help me out. *I pull out my wallet and discreetly thumbed a RM 50 note out, just a little, to see his reaction* Police: Hmm…well… HB: Okay with you officer? Help me out here. Police: Okay, like this also good. You senang, I senang. (Less hassle for the both of us)
I passed him the RM 50 note and he passed me back my MyKad and driver’s license. The good Gabenor talks, and bullshit walks.
The long arm of the law, eh? 😉
Police: What’s your name? HB: Poh. Police: Okay, thank you Poh. It’s better this way. You senang, I senang. Drive safely.
Now,
this police gives me a big ass grin and smiled at me in an
uncharacteristically friendly manner as I was pulling off. He even
waved at me, I shit you not.
This got me wondering…have I given too much? I don’t want to spoil the market, what are the rates over here in KL?
I
don’t use a seatbelt coz I see it as a victim less crime. I don’t like
being restrained and I don’t see how it affects other people. It does
no harm to anyone except myself.
Nevertheless, how much do you pay for getting off without a ticket in KL? Can someone enlighten me on the rates for: Driving without a seatbelt Driving over the speed limit Tinted windows DUI/DWI
Rates for JPJ and our fine traffic police would be much appreciated.
I don’t want to spoil the market for my fellow KL-lites.
I have been taking pains to furnish our new condo recently and the DIY bug has bitten my girlfriend big time, no thanks to her colleague. Her colleague is doing direct sales part-time and I’m told she does every -way there is out there. Amway, Cosway, Tupperware etc.
She brought home this rickety and capricious clothes hanger last night and practically forced me to fix it at 11 pm at night after dinner. It took me about 30 minutes to get it done – I’m more Tim than Al in the home improvement department, but in the end I managed to assemble the contraption and anchor it to one of the ceiling beams in our master bedroom.
It took a long time before we realized that the RM 30 device wouldn’t reach the actual ceiling of the condo, so I settled for the beam while my girlfriend muttered something about it looking out of place. Hmph…
I would have preferred to save the hassle and get ready fixed furniture delivered straight in.
Nevertheless, the truism of beggars can’t be choosers applies and it had already cost us a significant chunk of our savings to get the condo up to reasonable living standards – air conditioning, fridge, washing machine, wardrobes, broadband, breakfast bar, and a king sized bed with Aussino fittings and pillows (as well as other creature comforts).
I felt a semblance of satisfaction in assembling the rickety clothes hanger – it was meant for my work shirts and my coats and ties and I’m grateful to my girlfriend for purchasing it.
It’s not a Kodak Moment, but definitely an arrghh arrggghh arrrggghh moment. 😉
