I spent last night with the police


I just came back from a rather long night. The entire extended family was out celebrating the 80th birthday of my grand aunt. A bunch of us cousins decided to make a new tradition of going out clubbing during Day 3 of Chinese New Year and sent my grandma back.

I ended up hanging with the police instead.

We were about to head out after dropping them off when suddenly my aunts and grandma noticed that the entire house was completely ransacked. It’s a good thing we were still there.

The fucking thieves gained entry by strategically putting a couple of pieces of wood over a large storm drain, unscrewing the back gate with surgical precision and taking out the door with a couple of well put strikes that broke the lock.

…before rampaging through the rooms, breaking beds and overturning closets to find cold hard cash. They didn’t take anything else – the police said it’s probably coz gold and other valuables would be hard to sell without detection in a small town like this.

You know how much they netted? Over RM 30,000!

It’s Chinese New Year and the lion’s share of the damage was to my grandma. πŸ™

She lost RM 20,000 out of the total (rest were my aunts and one cousin from Singapore).

I called 999 and told them not to touch anything. I was a bit taken aback when the operator said β€œMr Poh can you repeat the address?”.

It’s the integrated system with telcos to prevent crank calls.

I realized that half a second after the initial surprise. I was out waiting for the police and then called the Sibu Police Headquarters instead to speed things up. They said they’ve already got the call and they’re sending out a patrol car.

The initial cops who came took a look around and said we needed to take stock of the losses and lodge a report at the main station.

Thus, me and my cousin went with all my aunts and grandma to the police station, made a report, went up to speak to someone and then went back home to wait for the JSJ (Jabatan Siasatan Jenayah – Crime Investigation Department) to come for forensics.

dusting fingerprints

They tried to get fingerprints but didn’t get any.

There has been a spate of break-ins at that area for a long time – the neighbor behind had the same MO. My grandma’s house is never empty – there’s always someone there coz 3 of my aunts and my grandma lives there. The only time it was empty, it got broken into.

Same thing happened to the neighbor to the back. The one at the side was slightly more unlucky, two females were in the house when it happened, but didn’t see the thieves coz they were forced down on the ground. Only money was taken, no valuables.

I think Sibu is getting a bit worse each year – one of my friends chanced upon a robbery in broad daylight yesterday.

I feel so sorry for my grandma and I guess it’s a good thing that some people are gifted with the ability to make others laugh (like my cousin) which puts things in perspective.

The silver lining is that no one was hurt coz the last time someone stumbled upon and recognized the thief in Sibu, the entire family was murdered. It was done to prevent them from pointing him out but one of them managed to get away by jumping from the second floor.

break in

I still feel fucking horrible though – I went to sit with my grandma who was there folding clothes after the robbers rummaged through everything and destroyed the beds to see if there was anything hidden underneath.

She told me that was the money she was planning to use for a vacation. T_T

She’s a very nice person, a kind and selfless woman armed with a cheery smile and always putting other people first. That was her entire life savings she has been putting away slowly over all these years you took, fuckers.

I’m doing this on my phone

bangsar ticket

Got this ticket while I was picking up my replacement credit card – Swipe keeps wanting to change replacement with transcendent which is ironic. Heh.

Anyway, that spot is technically not a parking space but people park along a row anyway.

Unfortunately, being this close to Raya, the police are extra vigilant. Just hope they don’t have increased rates like during CNY.

I don’t even know if this will post due to my setup but let’s try and see. πŸ™‚

RM 500 bribe for failing a breathalyser test

fuck the police

I had four drinks. FOUR. I was sober as hell when I drove home. I was praying to the heavens above that there won’t be a road block coz I’m a cop magnet.

Guess what?

No don’t guess, you know from the title of the post.

I kena road block. Jalan Kuching while going back from Zouk.

The first car was stopped, the second car was let go, and I was hoping mine would be too since I was ferrying 2 girls and didn’t look too dodgy.


That was not meant to be.

The police asked me if I had drank tonight. I wanted to be truthful so I said yes, a little.

Enter breathalyser.

I blew (cheated coz I held air in my mouth and exhaled halfway).

The cops asked me to do it again and I failed. There isn’t even any indication of how much I have exceeded the limit. It can’t be much since 1 drink per hour is the usual rule of thumb.

I was told to get out of the car and you know the drill. Go to police station, blood test if you want to contest the breathalyser and overnight in jail.

I said I’ll settle it for RM 300.

The police refused. They had the BALLS to ask me to go back to my car and ask my friends for money. They took another look at me and said I had to go for a urine test too. WTF????

I went back and rummaged further and discovered I had RM 400. Mich passed me RM 100 and I told her not to give me anymore, not going to pay the pigs so much.

The fucking porker came over and I said RM 500 is all I have and passed it to him.

He was pretty happy and let me go, even telling me that there is an (unopened) can of beer in my car. It’s been there forever!

I am giving the middle finger here as a big fuck you to the men in blue not coz of the DUI (wasn’t even drunk but I shall not comment further). I’m not saying they are assholes for probably messing with the breathalyser to fail everyone who has taken a single sip. I am not angry at them for doing their job, staying up late at night, manning road blocks so your tax money is hard at work GETTING THEM SIDE INCOME.

I am pissed off coz they had the audacity to get me to ask my friends for more money.

Hello PDRM? It is my fault, what’s it gotta do with them? BTW, you have corrupted cops (not that it’s breaking news – it’s stale as a 4 year old slice of bread) every weekend pocketing money from people driving home from clubs.

…and to all the sanctimonious fucks out there, get off your fucking high horse – it happens to everyone. Yes, I was over the limit but 4 drinks within 3 hours isn’t that much. Yes, it is technically wrong to bribe cops. I’ll like to see you stick to your untested rationale when you’re damn tired and just want to go home and is threatened with a night in jail and a urine test. We’ll see what you’ll do then. Judge not lest ye be judged yourself.

Oh, and of course I know certain opportunist parties out there will say “See, that’s why you shouldn’t sit in Huai Bin’s car” and trying to pass it of as a joke. YOU are the joke my friend. Everyone knows you slam others in front of everyone else, I don’t know about other people but I certainly don’t take you seriously. I think you’re a malicious little fuck.

Anyway, if you don’t like reading rants, please go watch Barney the cute purple dinosaur on TV. Yeah, switch on that idiot box.

Ending on a more positive note, thanks Mich, you’re an angel. Cheers for agreeing to take over the wheel after that just in case there are more road blocks and for everything else. <3

Breakfast @ Mandarin Oriental and a police escort

mo fruit platter

Seasonal fruits with berries with a papaya smoothie.

mo bread

Basket of croissants, Danish pastries, lemon poppy seed muffins, breakfast rolls served with preserves, honey and butter.

pamela anderson bagels

Creamy scrambled eggs on toasted bagel with chicken ham, scallion cream cheese and grilled asparagus. This is also known (unofficially) as Pamela Anderson bagels. πŸ˜‰

bmw breakfast

I had breakfast at MO last weekend before driving down to Damansara. We had vouchers to spend for drinks and snacks and I got Xpax reloads instead coz I wanted the XXL bonus. Heh!

However, the best part is driving with a police escort (something you REALLY have to experience). The police stopped all traffic and even created a third lane out of a two lane road so we can speed through the middle.

I think this is the first and last time I’ll ever feel like a VIP. Now that I know what royalty feels like, I can die in peace.

The “OMG there’s a police car tailing me” FAQ

dangerous police

Q: OMG! There’s a fucking police patrol car tailing me! What should I do?
A: Calm down. Are you really sure it’s following you or is it just on a routine patrol?

Q: I’m fucking sure man, it’s on my ass and following my every turn! How ah how ah?
A: Turn down your stereo, wind up your windows and act like you’re just on your way back home.

Q: I can’t close the windows I’m smoking a cigarette!
A: Okay, hold on to it, you don’t want to fog your car up.

Q: It’s burning my fingers!!!!
A: You’re gonna have a lot of other burning sensations if you chuck it out now so just take it like a man.

Q: Okay, I’m holding on to it. The patrol car is shadowing my every move. Fuck la!
A: Resistance is not futile. Chill. Just go with the flow and don’t draw attention to yourself.

Q: How do I sit ya? Can they see me inside my car ah?
A: Can you see the car in front of you when you have your headlights on? Ya, don’t ask stupid questions. Just be nonchalant.

Q: Shit la, I turned into an alley and this asshole Nissan is like driving 20 km/h and the police is still on my tail and they’re pointing at me. Fuck la, I seriously freaking out dy.
A: WHY ARE YOU LOOKING AT YOUR REAR VIEW MIRROR FOOL? That’s like a sure fire sign you have something to hide. Act like you don’t know it’s a police car behind you can or not?

Q: What if I get stopped ah? Die la!
A: Check your wallet. Got cash or not? Check your car. Got contraband or not? Check your system. Can pass test or not? Actually this all just crap, the first question is the only important one.

Q: Should I take a photo of the police patrol car for my blog?
A: Eh, your mom dropped you on the head as a baby izzit? Idiot! Use stock photos la.

The puzzle

I nearly ran into an incoming police patrol car while making an illegal turn. The police had their sirens and flashers on but I didn’t notice coz my music was at full blast and I was thinking. I only managed to brake in the nick of time coz some part of my brain registered the blue flashes of light. I missed the police patrol car by inches.

It’s a good thing I didn’t get into trouble – the police car was speeding and it took the very same illegal turn and I nearly ran into it again when they suddenly braked. There was a fight in front of the mamak near my condo and they were there to break up the physical altercation by arresting people.

I was amazed by their efficiency – it took me no longer than 5 minutes to tapau my food and there wasn’t any sign of an impending dispute when I drove out. The police were already speeding there when I got into my car, resulting in the near miss. I imagine rear ending a police car wouldn’t have bode well for my general welfare, so it’s a good thing I didn’t.

However, I was thinking while taking the video with my cell phone (before I got bored and drove pass them)…if I had run into them, who would be at fault? Let’s pull out the POH-toshop illustrations: 


Please note that I haven’t actually taken the turn yet so I have plausible deniability. The police patrol car which was there on Official Business (TM) already took the illegal turn.

Who would be the guilty party if I had run into them? Knowing my country well, I know it’s definitely going to be me. Disregarding that, I could claim that I was merely avoiding the incoming patrol car by swerving (which would explain the odd angle of my car if I hit them).

What do you think?

Mysterious mysteries: The Narcotics police bought me a burger instead of me paying them off

police burger

Hot damn! I went to the friendly local neighborhood Ramly Burger stall and ordered a Double Chicken Special Cheese (RM 5.20) for my supper. I was prepared to fork out that amount coz I’m a little sick of eating bread with marmalade every meal.

Anyway, while the dude was flipping my burgers, this van pulled up with a PDRM insignia in all its glory emblazoned on the side of the vehicle. The car plate was WXX 28XX and it offloaded four (4) people – one in police uniform. The others were drunk, judging from their gravy stained shirts and the offhanded way they were consuming their lok-lok.

Well, one of them struck up a conversation with me – small talk, mainly about burgers and stuff. I found out that they are from the Narcotics Division of Bukit Aman (I shit you not) and they acted like they owned the place. I was a bit miffed when the burger guy served them first, and was about to voice out my displeasure at the preferential treatment when the alpha male slapped a RM 50 note down and said everything is on him.

There were about 7 people there – the four police (high ranking ones judging from their attire and attitude), myself, and two kids. The top dog paid for all of us, making a circular gesture with his forefinger to indicate that everything is on him. I wanted to pay my share but the burger guy refused payment – “Boss belanja“, so I reckon they must be regulars as well.

Thus, I nodded at the man who paid for my burger and said thank you. He smiled (in a rather inebriated manner) and waved it off with a shrug.

In Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia, you don’t pay the police in the Narcotics Division. The police in the Narcotics Division pays YOU!

(or at least buy you a burger)

I love KL!!! =D

Saya (N)anti Rasuah

saya nanti rasuah

was blindsided by a traffic police roadblock at the U-turn from Kelana
Jaya LRT station leading to Jalan Bahagia and Giant LDP while heading
towards the Kelana Parkview TMpoint to get my Streamyx sorted out. The
thing about KL U-turns is that it’s completely blocked by a mass of
concrete so you don’t know what’s on the other side, especially if
you’re going too fast.

Anyway, I did such a U-turn the other day
and immediately ran into a roadblock. It was so near the exit of the
U-turn that it’s a good thing I didn’t run literally into the
roadblock. I had hoped for a break since the traffic police was
stopping the car in front of me, so I quickly pulled the seatbelt on –
but no such luck. The eagle-eyed police saw me and gestured at me to
pull over.

I had wanted to take a photo – my first traffic
ticket in KL, just after 5 days of driving over here, but that would
ruin my chances of getting off without a ticket since a photo would
mean they would have to do it the Proper Way (TM). Anyway, the
traffic police did the usual license and registration thing (except
over here it’s MyKad/IC and driving license), while I did my best pitch:

HB: Eh, sorry tuan,
I’m new to KL, just got here from Sarawak and I don’t know the way so I
was just reaching towards the back to get my map. I had the seatbelt on
all along.
Police: Map? What map? There’s no map in your car. *peers into the back seat of my car*
HB: Er…I
meant I was looking at the road signs. I have problems with my eyesight
so I had to squint a little. I just loosened the seatbelt, I had it on
all the time.
Police: No, you didn’t. You put it on when you saw me.
HB: Yes, I did, I had it on all the time. Honest. Anyway, since I’m new here, I was hoping you could help me out.
*I pull out my wallet and discreetly thumbed a RM 50 note out, just a little, to see his reaction*
Police: Hmm…well…
HB: Okay with you officer? Help me out here.
Police: Okay, like this also good. You senang, I senang. (Less hassle for the both of us)

rasuah 50

I passed him the RM 50 note and he passed me back my MyKad and driver’s license. The good Gabenor talks, and bullshit walks.

The long arm of the law, eh? πŸ˜‰

Police: What’s your name?
HB: Poh.
Police: Okay, thank you Poh. It’s better this way. You senang, I senang. Drive safely.

this police gives me a big ass grin and smiled at me in an
uncharacteristically friendly manner as I was pulling off. He even
waved at me, I shit you not.

This got me wondering…have I given too much? I don’t want to spoil the market, what are the rates over here in KL?

don’t use a seatbelt coz I see it as a victim less crime. I don’t like
being restrained and I don’t see how it affects other people. It does
no harm to anyone except myself.

Nevertheless, how much do you pay for getting off without a ticket in KL? Can someone enlighten me on the rates for:
Driving without a seatbelt
Driving over the speed limit
Tinted windows

Rates for JPJ and our fine traffic police would be much appreciated.

I don’t want to spoil the market for my fellow KL-lites.

You know la, you senang, I senang. πŸ˜‰

Your friendly neighborhood traffic police

traffic ticket vios

I just paid a RM 40 parking ticket for parking at a no-parking zone. It has increased, along with the petrol price hike, from the previous RM 30. That’s a 33% increase, which is just about in line with the 40% petrol price increase. The traffic police goes around on motorcycles, which uses petrol too. I guess that justifies the traffic ticket increase then. Oh, I forgot to put the sarcasm tags in.

traffic ticket wiper

However, the efficiency of our local men in blue (white actually, for the traffic police) has also increased, by perhaps 74%. I just parked my car and got out to pass something to Sandra – it couldn’t have been more than a minute or two, and her assistant told me that there’s a traffic police writing a traffic ticket at my car.

traffic ticket

I had hoped to catch the traffic police before he wrote it and…er, perhaps buy him a cup of coffee or something. *cough* However, not only was the ticket already on my windscreen wiper, the traffic cop had actually LEFT. Fu-yoh! Efficient!

The world’s most unexciting police chases

worlds unexciting police chases

2:07 AM
A police vehicle was spotted in front of a karaoke establishment behind
Upwell. The law enforcement officers started driving off in a slow pace
as we passed by. This could be a coincidence, but we’re making pursuit

2:08 AM
The suspect’s vehicle is still moving slowly. We are maintaining our distance and tailing the target.

2:09 AM
The police vehicle is moving too slowly for our patience. We’re gonna
cut them off and abort this chase. We’ll be going our own way now. Over.

Hey, it’s the world’s most unexciting police chases. The title says it all. πŸ˜‰

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