satire

I accidentally joined the Bersih 4 protest rally

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Bersih 4

With hindsight, I should have suspected something was amiss. None of my fellow compatriots spoke a word of Thai. I was more than a little puzzled at their t-shirts saying Bersih 4, since I didn’t know what that meant.

Bersih 4 KL

All I know is that I woke up on the 29th of August and drove to join the PAD (no, that’s not a transcription error for DAP – it actually means People’s Alliance for Democracy or พันธมิตรประชาชนเพื่อประชาธิปไตย) – the yellow shirts.

Bersih 4 Media

I didn’t know how long I was driving but I got stuck at Kelana Jaya so I stopped my car and went with the sea of yellow to board the LRT.

Bersih 4 Malays

I saw them getting off at Pasar Seni LRT and went with them, expecting to rally against Thaksin.

Bersih 4 Kuala Lumpur

I thought it was great that there were so many foreigners with us, it seemed like the royalist movement is really gaining some serious momentum!

Bersih 4 Police

The crowd got stopped by a veritable wall of police at the barricades around Dataran Merdeka so we walked up the highway flyover.

Bersih 4 Barricades

There was a huge police presence with ballistic vests all loaded up in trucks. These personnel carriers are all full of our dutiful men in blue at the back, and even had drivers at their seats, ready to deploy.

Bersih 4 Protest

Of course, I thought it was slightly perplexing that the emblems spelled “POLIS” instead of “POLICE” but I didn’t give it much thought at the time.

Bersih 4 Speakers

It was, after all, a beautiful day and I managed to go all the way to the front of the stage where the speakers were.

The speeches were a little confusing to me since there were bits I didn’t quite understand – keywords like “1MDB”, “Najib”, and “USD 700 million” were being bandied around. Baffling! I honestly don’t know what that had to do with Shinawatra.

Bersih 4 Me

I sat down in front and absorbed the bewildering and unfamiliar atmosphere, mulling and brooding over what was going on.

Bersih 4 Crowd

Suddenly, it dawned on me – this *wasn’t* about Yingluck…

Bersih 4 Dataran Merdeka

It seems that in my haste, I had driven all the way to Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia! I was at the banned Bersih 4 protest in KL!

Bersih 4 Rally

Words cannot describe how shocked and dismayed I was to have mistakenly participated in an illegal rally, since I’ve always been a law-abiding citizen.

Bersih 4 Protestors

Thoroughly disgusted with myself, I immediately left the prohibited gathering with my Thai Patriots Network shirt. It took me 34 hours to drive back to Bangkok, indignant at my inadvertent blunder. smirk

Boracay and the flip flop disaster

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boracay white beach sandcastle

After a long day diving and ATV riding at Boracay, we walked to White Beach to catch the sunset and I somehow managed to get my trusty flip flops stuck in the sand and the right pair finally gave out.

white beach sand

I could still use it by stuffing the bit that got loose back in – this pair has actually been relegated to my balcony back home, but it’s at best a temporary fix. It would come apart again at the slightest provocation, such as walking on the beach, or even sneezing for that matter.

I figured it was time to get new flip flops.

biggest pair of shoes in the world

The first shop I went to had one I really liked but unfortunately they were not for sale. It’s a display only item and anyhow, it was soooo large that I could practically *sleep* on it.

giant joke flip flops

I managed to get a pair for 400 pesos (about RM 30) at the next outlet but after I got back to the resort, I realized a little too late that it was slightly too big for me. 🙁

smirk

Posted: 9:50 am Boracay time (GMT +8)

The story of the little gangster that could

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Betrayal 1

Betrayal
The story of the little gangster that could

Betrayal 2

Homo Ahbengus
Native to: Malaysia, Singapore
Mating habits: Often and indiscriminate
Social behavior: Hunts in packs
Sanctuaries: Sibu, Kuching, Miri, Klang, Cheras

Ultimate goal in life:

Betrayal 3

To own a semi-automatic handgun (preferably wrapped in newspapers, the classic but rather cliched method of concealment).

Job description:

Betrayal 4

Loan shark. Getting usurious money lending interests or gambling debts by property destruction, kidnapping, intimidation of the borrower, family and extended family (and pets if they have any).

Betrayal 5

One day, after getting a RM 3,600 interest from a borrower, his IQ 64 brain creaked and slowly came to the seeds of what he thought was an ingenious idea.

“I’ve got it!”, he exclaimed after 3 solid hours of hard thinking as the sun began to set in the horizon, still holding on to the wad of money.

Several startled birds flew off at his personal eureka and a couple who was doing the horizontal boogie in the abandoned car park furtively looked up and started quickly dressing.

He has worked long and hard to become the right hand man of the boss. General consensus was that he’s an asshole (which makes him Employee of the Month material in this line of work), just not very bright.

The latter was in fact the primary reason his boss trusted him with a handgun, though he did not know it.

Betrayal 6

Thus, when he concocted a cock and bull story about how one of his borrowers ran away to the freezing wastelands of Siberia and left only a RM 10 note, it was not altogether surprising that his boss looked at him in increasing incredulity and growing annoyance.

Betrayal 7

The boss expressed that annoyance in very reasonable discourse…using his fists.

Now, our protagonist did not think that was right. He has worked hard and risked his life (or so he would like to think, his victims were mostly degenerate gamblers who cringed when he raised his voice) and made his second intuitive leap of the day.

Betrayal 8

He thought it would be nice to be the boss for a change.

Betrayal 9

He slowly walked towards his boss as he slipped a very sharp knife out. He has a gun but unfortunately no bullets to go with it. His boss, being a little bit smarter, had only given him 3 bullets and he had used them all in a previous assignment. There was a gang war then and come to think of it, he didn’t think it was an accident that he walked into a room with four armed men and a gun with only three bullets.

Betrayal 10

He mulled on that piece of information as he stabbed, slashed and generally butchered his (now deceased) boss.

Betrayal 11

Then, he shook a cigarette out and smoked it ponderously as he thought about how wonderful it is to be the boss with a large gang beneath him. As I have previously mentioned, he is a bit slow.

Thus, when a random police patrol passed by two hours later, they saw a man sitting on top of a dead man, both of whom was very well known around these parts largely due to their criminal enterprises.

Betrayal 12

The man was covered with blood and appeared deep in thought.

________________________________________________________________________________

Notes: This was a photo shoot I did over two days during Chinese New Year. Willie of I-Concept Event Agency introduced me to Jason, who runs Jasongs Photography. I’ve known Willie for years (he’s Jeanie’s brother) and when he asked if I could do him a favor by being a model in a photo shoot, I was happy to help out.

Jason and Willie just got into a partnership and they do a lot of wedding photos and family shots. They wanted to do a high pass shoot – there was a lot of fake blood (which is permanent if it gets on your clothes), location scouting, multiple flash units to light everything up and early mornings. That is not a real gun – it’s a Beretta 92F replica. It was a lot of fun to do and we found this really cool abandoned house which would be great for photos.

I wrote this tongue-in-cheek post when I saw the photos just now. I agreed to help with the captions so I have an alternate post on Facebook with completely different text. It’s more serious and gritty, you can view and read the photo story here. Let me know which one you think is better. 🙂

A typical day in Macau

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macau ferry

Board ferry from Hong Kong to Macau

new world first ferry

Puke on the ferry

macau immigration

Spend 2 hours clearing immigration

macau complimentary shuttle

Get accosted by representatives of various casinos and board one of their free shuttles

macau casino

Lose an insane amount of money

pork chop bun

Eat a pork chop bun to try and cheer yourself up

senado square

Walk aimlessly around Senado Square

grand lisboa

Contemplate suicide, settles for shaking fist at Grand Lisboa

hong kong

Return to Hong Kong

Guide to marrying the right person

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You’ll all heard of my disastrous relationships. This makes me somewhat of an expert in these things if you follow the logic of what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. smirk

guide pea

I have devised a rather ingenious method based on countless personal encounters to qualitatively research and determine if the girl you’re with is:

  • Just a tiny annotation in the tome called Your Great Journey Through Life

or

  • The princess you’ve been looking for all your life. You want to marry her and live happily ever after till-death-do-you-part-amen.

It involves a pea.

baby peas

Step 1

Buy some frozen peas from your local supermarket

Step 2

Insert pea under the bed

Step 3

Wait and see if the girl comments on it

Specifically, the fairy tale calls for your princess to be able to feel the pea under a mound of mattresses but since that would be logistically difficult to pull off (who sleeps on a stack of mattresses anyway?) – just chuck the pea under your bed.

princess and pea

The height required would be well fulfilled by the empty space below your bed.

Trust me. I have tried this numerous times before. The conversation in bed the first time usually goes like this:

Her: Hmm…that’s a very small pe…
Me: OMG! YOU FELT IT?
Her: Baby, I don’t want to offend you but I can barely feel it.
Me: IT DOESN’T MATTER! DON’T YOU SEE WHAT THIS MEANS? WE’RE MEANT TO BE TOGETHER! 😀
Her: Is it in yet?
Me: My princess! <3 Works like a charm. Of course, I'm still single but... Oh, wait. Damn.

The real reason Judas betrayed Jesus (and how evangelism started)

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Disclaimer: This is another satire/parody piece I wrote for entertainment, inspired by the trending topic on Twitter based on megachurch Pastor Lewis’ comments. It’s meant to be funny, don’t take it too seriously. I’m not making malicious fun of any religion, it’s just another crappy post that has a few good-natured jokes. Chill and don’t read it if you’re easily offended. Fair warning. 🙂

…on a particularly hot day after a humble lunch of figs and dates

Judas: Dude, I heard there’s this place in New Gomorrah where the womenfolk have melons the size of mountains, wanton enough to do anything for a piece of silver.
Simon: NO WAY!
Judas: I speak truly, there’s even plenty of drink, and none of that watered down wine crap we get here either. Also, stuff to smoke that makes you feel like you’re in frolicking in the Garden of Eden!
Simon: Fuckin’ A! Let’s go book our camel tickets right away!
Judas: You got moolah? I’m a bit short this month…you’ll have to extend me a loan, brother. Pay you back later. I swear to God.
Simon: Aww man, I forgot, the big guy took all my money when he told me to put down my fishing net and become fishers of men. I thought the boss meant women as well. You know what they say about assumptions. Ass. You. Me. Oh well.
Judas: No worries, I got a plan bro. Why don’t we sell it to senior management as…a trip to convert these heathens? We’ll call it…missionary work. Evangelism. Nice ring to it eh? Helping the Gentiles get into the Kingdom of Heaven and all that.
Simon: Wow man, I don’t know. Will it work?
Judas: Only one way to find out.

Two weeks later…

Parchment from Jesus:
Brothers Simon and Judas,

I have considered thy proposal and prayed for divine guidance on this matter. It warms my heart to see my disciples showing initiative and foresight. I can visualize how this would work to spread the Word of God around the world.

Brother Simon, thy request has been approved. I hereby dub thee Simon the Rock and thou shall go forth with my blessings and make believers out of the Gentiles. Please find attached 30 pieces of silver to cover thy expenses on this trip.

Brother Judas, I regret to inform thee that I cannot justify sending two of my disciples on a missionary trip. Thy have always had a way with words. I like the term “evangelism”, it’s very catchy and I have need of people of thy skills by my side. I would appreciate it if thy can start writing about mine deeds. It shall be called The Gospel according to Judas and it would please me if thy can spearhead this important task.

Love (agape, phileo, but not eros),
JC

meme mashup

Judas: Fuck that shit man, it was my idea. I’m going.

Royal Flush for Sixth Seal

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Okay, check this out! I was pretty impressed by this music video made by The Promise. They based it on this post of mine. It’s basically a satire/parody thing that they’re doing for bloggers. I like how they customize each of their videos to the personalities of the blogger.

The Promise is a band that’s trying to raise awareness of the safety of online shopping. Surf over to the We Promise You site for more details.

I have to say, it’s a great initiative by both The Promise and Text100 Malaysia. I’ve always thought Text100 was one of the best PR companies I’ve ever seen and here’s an example of it – they actually make the video before contacting you and asking you for permission to post on the site. Now that’s initiative – actually doing stuff instead of calculating ROIs and all that. It’s the only way to go for the digital front. 🙂

The video is hilarious, check it out! Heh!

Space cakes in Amsterdam

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amsterdam space cake

I have come here to highlight another gross violation of my good standing and name during my vacation in Amsterdam as well as to reassure everyone of my outstanding reputation which may have been tarnished with these revelations.

space cake cannabis

Coffeeshops in Amsterdam sells space cakes and space muffins for about Euro 5 (RM 20 or so). It differs from coffeeshop to coffeeshop – I assume they make it themselves since all the ones I’ve been to contain different packaging and sizes.

I bought and ate one as a snack one day. It tastes just like chocolate cake – what my mom would bake (no pun intended) in her very wholesome kitchen. It’s quite delicious really. My mistake was that I did not look at the ingredients before I naively consumed it.

space cake

The paper slip inside the space cake starts out with “Inexperienced marijuana users are advised not to eat space cake” and ends with the shocking revelation that the very item I was consuming contains 0.40 (measurements not indicated) of cannabis and gorilla glue weed.

eating space cake

I rushed to the toilet and forced myself to throw up by sticking two fingers down my throat. Hereby, with my stomach totally regurgitated of the vile cannabis infused muffin did I take stock of what just had happened. I’m glad I managed to completely empty my stomach by voluntary vomiting after unwittingly consuming spacecake. I just didn’t know what it was.

This is the second time I’ve been fooled in Amsterdam. Well, I never! Hmph. action

A warning about Amsterdam Coffeeshops

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coffeeshop amsterdam

I didn’t sleep much on the flight to Amsterdam from London so one of the first things I did was to pop into a coffeeshop and grab an old fashioned cup of coffee. I reckon a mug of Joe would warm me up and give me the caffeine hit to see all the sights Amsterdam has to offer.

smoking room

The first sense that something wasn’t quite right was the wonderful smell wafting tantalizingly out of the coffeeshops. It smelled herbal but it’s not cigarettes. I didn’t think much of it – if people wanted to smoke cigars or whatever it was they smoked over in the Netherlands, they’re free to do so.

coffeeshop menu

I entered the coffeeshop and looked at the menu in confusion. Super Lemon Haze? White Widow? Amnesia Haze? Afgani Polm?

cannabis strains

The coffee beans in Amsterdam sure has some weird ass names. I figured it was a direct Dutch to English translation so I just pointed to one that won some kind of award in 2009 and the nice person behind the counter showed me the product.

amnesia haze

It looked more like tea than coffee but perhaps that’s what coffee looks like over here. It’s my first time here so what the hell. There is another type of coffee which looks more like coffee though so I ordered that instead.

weighing hash

It came as a huge shock to me when it came to my table. It’s called Nepal First Cream and it came in a sticky goo that you’re supposed to crumble it into a smoking device (which I later learned is called a bong) and light it up.

nepal first cream hash

I was horrified! The proverbial light bulb came on and I realized what I was being offered. Cannabis! Hash! The travesty of it all! I couldn’t believe it and stormed out of the coffeeshop with righteous anger and my head held high with the THC laden hashish left untouched on the table.

Imagine that! Hmph! What has the world come to? action

For whom the bell tolls

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I am going to start a new religion tentatively named “For Whom The Bell Tolls”.

for whom the bell tolls

Doctrine
We believe in the mortality of the human body and in accordance to that, our “communion” is to ring a huge ass bell 66 times to symbolize the average life span of a person.

The Bell (TM)
This bell shall not exceed 5,000 meters in diameter (although larger bells will be considered on a case to case basis and will likely be approved with a wink).
Said bell must have the acoustic capacity to wake everyone up within a minimum radius of 2 kms.

Our Creed
We believe in one true God. Monotheistic religions generally are tax exempt so I’m going to explain this exceedingly difficult to understand (but not as complex as 3-in-1 Father, Son, Holy Spirit, inseparable) concept.

Our one true God is called Substances.
There are many manifestations of substances e.g. ethanol (alcohol), MDMA, benzodiazepines, (insert your favorite).

This Man (or God) of Substance, as it is, is to be worshipped at exactly 3 am in the morning since it’s after party hours and you’ll have to go to bed after.

Every practitioner of For Whom The Bell Tolls is expected to reflect on what they did that day and how they could have helped themselves or their fellow man better.

Example:
I could have drank more so I won’t be dead sober now
I could have helped my friends be in a more cheery mood if we had more hydroponics

Upon said reflection, you’re expected to ring the bell 66 times, waking everyone up before showering (optional) and passing out.

We do not believe in donations. We do not believe in calls to prayers. We do not believe in evangelism.

However, we strongly believe that all true adepts in our religion should purchase their own bell to the specifications above. smirk

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