HB

I’ve always wanted to be a hitman ever since I was a little kid. People go through phases of wanting to be a policeman (or fireman) and progress to something more prestigious like a doctor (or lawyer) before settling on a realistic degree like computer science. Not me.

All I’ve ever wanted to be was an assassin. Not just your run of the mill assassin, mind, but a professional assassin. Utilizing various tools of the trade to deadly effect, and disappearing without a trace after the hit. Money flows into bank accounts in the Cayman Islands (or Aruba, or whichever country is in vogue for money laundering now) and you proceed to the next assignment.

However, I have a problem with hyperhidrosis. That’s a fancy medical term for excessive sweating. Thus, I gave up on my dreams coz you can’t really pull a ninja and sneak into someone’s house and patiently hide for 12 hours until he returns if you have underarm odor. You can’t be covert if your target can smell you from a mile away.

Thus, I was ecstatic when Rexona passed me a Rexona Men Absolute Survival Kit. Finally, my dreams can be realized. At last – a solution to the stumbling block of my dream career! I can finally give up my day job and become…a professional assassin.

I think they somehow knew what I wanted coz inside the kit was a Swiss Army knife and a (very) bright LED light. They also threw in a compass, perhaps from reading about the logistical problems I’ve been having driving around KL. Thus armed with the survival kit, I can finally go on my path of wanton destruction, carving a swath of dead bodies across the Klang Valley.

The Rexona Men Quantum provides me with 24-hour anti-perspirant protection. This is very useful, not just in the scenario outlined above, but also for those all-important client meetings. It helps me keep my cool and maintain a professional façade (while smelling fresh) during face-to-face meetings.

I have met up with several potential clients. The above is not a benign bloggers meet but a covert collective discussion about “getting rid” of certain other bloggers to increase traffic and income flow. Just look at the devious expressions on our faces. I must admit, I look a little bit out of place wearing a shirt and a tie at a mamak but I am learning…

One very positive client I met at Starbucks BB Plaza (wearing a casual Quiksilver shirt with a cigarette dangling in hand to blend in with the lala crowd at Sungai Wang – I learn fast) was with a poor girl who wants to “off” her good for nothing alcoholic boyfriend. I hear the last straw for her is the boyfriend committing the horrific crime of keeping her up late from the incessant updating of his stupid blog.

Her identity will not be revealed of course, but I have already assembled the tools of my trade:

You might not think a pair of scissors can do much, but remember what your mother told you about running with a pair.

Wooden chopsticks may look harmless to you, but it could poke out an eye or two.

A can opener does not look dangerous at all, but wait till I open up a can of whoopass…er, I mean Campbell’s soup and use the sharp edges against you. We’ll see what you think about can openers then, eh? :p

Even a hairdryer can do a lot of damage (as demonstrated in You Don’t Mess With The Zohan).

I bet you wouldn’t want me to drop it inside your bathtub while you’re in it. 😉

I have started to become a master of disguise, dressed like a professional for a hit inside a corporate environment (really, sometime office politics are taken to the extreme)…

…or dressed like a street kid, ready to ruin someone’s perfectly good day.

I have gotten quite good at it too, taking a shower and applying Rexona Men Power before going through my wardrobe for the suitable attire for the current hit.

The last thing you will see is me shining a light in your eye and a stab to your jugular vein before you kick the bucket. With Rexona Men’s line of 24-hour anti-perspirant deodorants, I can easily hide inside your home for the entire day, just waiting for you to come back at night.

No sweat.

Rexona Absolute Extreme Contest is based on the premise of writing about your dreams. If there was no limit to what you could do, what would your life be like?

Step 1: Write a blog entry on the theme “If I had an ABSOLUTE EXTREME life”. The style, content and length of this post is entirely up to you – be crazy, be cute, be funny, be extreme.

Step 2: Following the theme, take a photo of yourself in your most extreme moment with a bottle of Rexona Men Absolute Protection deodorant and include it with your entry. Push your imagination to the limit!

Step 3: Then, drop an email to rexonaabsolute@nuffnang.com with your full name and permalink of your written blog post before 29 January 2008 and you can stand a chance to win these prizes:

EXTREME PRIZES

Grand Prize x 1: Full Day Car Drifting Course (car provided)
2nd Prize x 1: White Water Rafting Experience for 2
3rd Prize x 1: Adventure Hike at Gombak Forest Reserve for 4
Consolation prizes x 7: Rexona Men Absolute Survival Kit

The contest prizes are really interesting. I would love to snag the full day car drifting course, using the provided car of course. I don’t want to crash my own car – I need it for my next assignment.

I know I’ll have a huge problem doing this in KL since the roads are so messed up I feel like killing myself. I can’t complete a scheduled hit if I can’t be there on time (or understand the instructions to get there).

I need to put the Rexona Men Ice Cool deodorant in my car just to cope with the stress of driving here…

Excuse me, I have to be somewhere. A business dispute has spiraled out of control and I’m needed to…uncomplicated matters. 😉